Archive for the ‘Things that get me thinking’ Category

I must admit that I really do enjoy watching the television show “Ancient Aliens”.

Think about this question:

“Did God come from Earth?”

The obvious answer is universally accepted as “No, God is not from Earth”.  This would mean that God comes from somwhere other than Earth; and would be considered an alien, based on our definition of the word:

“A creature from outer space”

So lets say that the thing in which we call God, was actually a visitor from somewhere else in the universe (or outside of the universe?).  This individual would be a really extraordinary living being.   It would be capable of traveling incomprehensible distances through space.  It would look extremely superior to the people thousands of years ago who chose to write down a story in which they had an experience with what they can only assume is their “God” or a “Creator”.

These stories could be what make up the Old Testament, or any other ancient text involving any form of a God.  All those stories could actually be the best interpretation of visits from aliens. These visits led to knowledge being passed down, showing us how we should live.

I feel that God does indeed exist, except I have no way of being able to describe something in which I have never personally experienced or met myself.  I cannot let anyone’s interpretation of what God is fill my mind, I leave it open for personal interpretation if I ever get the chance to meet this superior being.

I believe that whatever God is and if it is still around, it is most likely not too happy with the overall state of mankind.  We are doing a lot of the things that were told we are not to do.  We are human, we are imperfect.  We are supposed to live in an imperfect world in order to see how we choose to live our lives in that imperfect world.

I guess I have become less religious in the way I once was.  I was not the church going type, but for a large portion of my life I based many decisions on the idea that one day I was to be judged by God upon my death.

I haven’t really worried about being judged anymore.  I try my best to be good to those around me.  I hope to have a more positive impact on this planet than a negative impact.  Every now and then I will be a negative impacting individual, but I always feel that my positive impacts will hopefully out weigh my negatives.  On top of this, I always feel bad if I am a negative impacting individual.  This is how I rationalize that I will get into the afterlife or heaven if it exists, without being religious in the way most religious people seem to think that it is required to enter such a place.

Even if I was actually visited by God and I was told that there is no afterlife, I feel I would still live the way I live now.  I feel that we are part of something much larger and incomprehensible in scale.  We cannot just be here by chance. Something had to allow for the conditions; which allowed us to be here, to even be conditional in the first place.  So something allowed us to live; because of the conditions which were allowed to naturally be present in the universe.

We are definitely here for a reason.  We just might not ever be able to comprehend why we are here, or the reason might make us feel a hell of a lot less significant in the grand picture.  Either way I would want to know, even if it meant me realizing that we are far from important in the realm of things.  I only hope that one day I will experience something that explains this to me.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing on a Friday night………..


So this television show I am watching right now is talking about how the over-fishing that we are doing, is allowing for jelly fish to flourish in the oceans.  On top of this, the jelly fish release a poison which kills fish eggs. Eventually jellyfish and humans have the ability to wipe out fish.

This makes me feel that our main source of food from the ocean could become jellyfish…..if shit really hits the fan.

How awful would it be to have to eat jelly fish in order to stay alive? Would you like to live in a society where all that was available to eat was jelly fish? All cows, pigs, chickens or any other meat edible animal just mysteriously died to really make you question whether or not you would want to live in a society where we were truly required to eat jelly fish to survive.

Seeing as we live in a society where we do not need to eat jelly fish to survive, the transition would only be difficult for us.  All children in future generations will be given jelly fish at such a young age, and have no idea to what a shit deal they are truly experiencing.

Fish and Chips are pretty spectacular, and these kids will blindly eat their jelly fish without realizing how good an overly battered and deep fried fish actually tastes.

Sometime in the distant future:

“Honey, the kids are fighting again……”

“Boys!!!! Sit in your seat, keep you hands to yourself, stop kicking each other, stop calling each other names, and finish your god damn jelly fish before you are both grounded……AND don’t even think you will get your jelly fish ice cream for desert!”

For one reason or another a lot of you in this day and age seem to enjoy eating underwater cockroaches, so how bad could jelly fish really be?  Most of you will make an easy transition to jelly fish.

I will not.  I would be pretty fucking FAR………from ok.

This will be one of the many possible ends for Andrew Michaels.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

I grew up loving Predator, mostly because I grew up loving Arnold movies.  Most of the R rated movies, which my mother reluctantly allowed me to watch, were Arnold movies.

When watching Conan the Barbarian, there was this scene I remember very well.

The scene is when Conan is resting in his cage, during his years of being forced to train.  He was given this naked woman, which he was allowed to have his way with……..

What was Conan’s way, do you dare ask?

  • Was he a passionate lover with a soft, gentle touch?
  • Or was he a raging barbarian madman, when he instinctively grabbed a hold her, and dry humped his way towards eventual intercourse?

We were never shown a clear answer, because once it is shown that he has this female companion, the scene changes, and it is left up to the viewer’s imagination.

Regardless…..I tend to believe, that its safe to assume that Conan the barbarian let everyone in the general vicinity of him, know of his barbaric ways……

Whenever this scene would happen when I was a child, I would say:

“This is great!!!!”

“Mom….Look!!!!!”

“He is going to get to wrestle that pretty girl!!!!!!”

“He is so lucky!!!”

I think my mom found humor in my naive, innocent outlook on situations in movies like this, which were intended to give you the idea:

That the people in the general vicinity of Conan’s cage, would soon indeed be hearing Conan’s over the top sex roar, which he most likely expressed upon orgasm.

Moving on.

I was suppossed to be talking about my main grip with the predators…….I need to move in the general direction of this objective.

I guess my main gripe with the predators, is that they don’t look like they are an extremely smart species.

Yes they look scary as shit

Yes they look much stronger and more agile than us

Yes we are definitely PREY, in association towards them

BUT NO GOD DAMMIT, they do not look like the type of species that is capable of understanding the concept of the Pythagorean theorem.

Take a look at this guy:

Does that fucking thing look like it understands the concept of E=MC2?   I don’t think that I could even realistically explain to you what Einstein was talking about with E=MC2, without some extreme bull-shitting coming from my blabbering mouth……  BUT, you are supposed to believe that this thing can…….. Because this species is excellent at interstellar travel.  Which means that they are much more advanced in science then we are.

That thing would be too busy at kicking ass in its own wild habitat, and enjoying awesome fresh food, that it would never want to slow down, to think about science related shit.  They are like great white sharks, that are on land, and have arms and legs instead of fins, and chase humans around effortlessly……….basically we would be fucked.

The great whites of the ocean are quite bad-ass in their water habitat, in terms of being a predator, but I do not see their brains ever reaching the level to be capable of understanding the concepts of gravity.

Besides, leaning about science is much more productive on land, as opposed to sea.  Lighting a Bunsen burner in 7th grade science class for a great white shark is a very difficult task.  This is why the dropout rate for great whites in school is so high.   Most great white students are quoted as saying:

“Fuck it, I can’t light this fucking Bunsen burner thing underwater…… I am just going to do a shark dive straight out of the water, and catch a seal in the process, before I land back in the ocean.  And I can do that for the rest of my life, WITHOUT passing science class……”

The great white dropouts do have a good point…….And when the dropouts come home, to tell their parents that they have indeed dropped out, the parents think back to when they dropped out as well when they were younger, so the great white parents do not have much to go on, in regards to trying to change their child’s decision.

The Predators would have this same mentality, they would give up on learning science, since it is such a waste of time, when they could be better spending their time, doing equally bad-ass things as diving out of the ocean, in order to catch and eat their prey.

I do think that is is safe to say though, that the closest noise that I can find, to what I think Conan’s Sex roar sounds like, is coincidentally the Predator’s roar.

PUSH PLAY

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

There is a lot of money out there, and there are a lot of people who have a lot more money than I will probably ever imagine having myself, and then there are a lot of people who have a lot of money, and lose more money gambling, than I will probably ever imagine of just having myself, never mind the possibility of having this much money and gambling it as well ……Enjoy.

The other day my girlfriend and our friend went out the back door to smoke a cigarette.  I almost always stay inside when they smoke, since I do not smoke.  We have a wood burning stove that works really well to heat the house.   When the back door opens up though, the draft that enters the house makes an extremely noticeable difference in the temperature in the main room we hang out in.   I was sitting on the couch with another friend and we both agreed that:

  • Since they opened the door and went outside the house to smoke cigarettes, they have effectively made it less comfortable inside the house for us in terms of temperature.

AND ALSO

  • The wood burning stove will now take at least 45 minutes in order to get the room back to the temperature it was before they opened the door, to go outside to smoke their cigarettes.

I then decided that I should go outside, in order to bring to their attention how they had negatively affected us by their habit of smoking.  My main points of my argument upon confronting them outside, were supposed to consist and focus on our newly established lack of comfort in the room regarding our general feeling of warmth.

Before I started to argue this with them, I realized that:

  • I as well, had just opened up the door  to confront them

AND ALSO

  • I was displaying the very same behavior, by opening this door in my attempts at starting a fight, that I was going to confront them with in my argument.

I then came to the conclusion that:

  • Even though what I was planning on arguing with them was completely correct and an easy win for me, they were the type of people with the intelligence level to have at least a 50/50 shot of coming back at me, with the fact that I did the same exact thing that they did, by coming outside to bring this to their attention.

I then decided to save my energy for a fight in which I had a better than 50/50 chance of winning.  I chose to let them enjoy their bad habit (which was totally accepted amongst their peers when they were teenagers) without any arguments from me at all…………this time.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….

One of the worst feelings is when you can’t find your wallet.  Anyone who cares about you would be there for you to try to help out in finding it.  They ask questions to try to help in the situation, but many times these questions have already been thought of by yourself in your head so you may answer them quickly, and kind of in an asshole fashion.  Usually I just answer yes and no, but the following responses may be some thoughts running through my head for Bad-AndrewMichaels to answer with.

“When was the last time you knew you had it?”

  • Right before I realized I lost it……

“Did you have it with you this morning?”

  • Yes, otherwise you would have been asking me this question in the morning……..

“Is it in you jacket pockets?” or “How about your pant pockets from the pants you wore yesterday?”

  • No, it is not in one of the two places that I would keep it on me, but thanks for thinking of one of the two most obvious places that it could possibly be……I would not have thought to look there otherwise…..

“Is it in your car?”

  • No, it is not in my car, I already checked, twice……  It’s not under the seat either, I looked, even though it would be extremely hard for my wallet to to fall down and do a backwards spin to land in such a spot……

I know that people are trying to help when they ask such questions, but anyone who has not already asked these questions to themselves, deserves to lose their wallet.

When you lose your wallet, you are more than likely to see how dirty it is under the cushions of your couch, even though you are checking a place that you have not sat on since the last time you had your wallet.  You may find a quarter or two, but you will also find a skittle, a wrapper, and most peculiarly, some fine dirt that has a sand like quality because it has been filtered slowly through your cushions.

One of the tough executive decisions that comes with losing your wallet, is deciding at what point you should truly consider canceling your credit cards.  There are many things to consider and I have made some graph diagrams explaining the thought process of all the different possibilities and outcomes.

  • The first graph is the most obvious one. This states that over time, the longer you do not have your wallet, the more inconvenient it becomes due to not being able to use your credit cards, having your license, or having the cash on you that was in it, never mind the lingering fear that it could have possibly been stolen:

  • The next graph shows the inconvenience level of calling up all of your credit card companies and waiting on hold to cancel all of them.  After you have canceled all your cards and are off the phone, you will get some degree of inconvenience taken away since you do not have to worry about your credit cards being used by someone else fraudulently.  But the inconvenience of not having your wallet still prevents you from feeling too much better.

  • This next graph shows the inconvenience level of calling up all your credit card companies and waiting on hold to cancel all of them.  You get a temporary feeling of relief,  BUT then you find your misplaced wallet. Now you can no longer use your credit cards, so you now have raised your inconvenience level back up until they arrive in the mail probably 5 to 7 business days later.  This is the main reason people like myself wait until the last possible minute to cancel their credit cards.

  • Now on to the next graph. It shows how your inconvenience level will not progressively go up if you choose not to cancel your credit cards, gambling on the fact that you know that you have only misplaced your wallet somewhere safe.    Having this feeling of safety allows temporary vacations from the fear that your wallet is truly stolen.  The more time that passes ultimately causes a level up on the inconvenience factor followed by another vacation plateau status until the next raise in inconvenience.

  • Finally you can now scientifically see when is the perfect time to realize that you should really consider calling up all your credit card companies and cancel your all your cards. I have taken all the guess work out for you and by just using this graph you will know exactly when to take action. The circled  area shows when it is the precise time that you should take action and get on the phone with the credit card companies.  I hope that this information helps everyone who reads it. It is the least I can do with such a gifted mind.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow……..I am going skiing this weekend, I have not gone skiing in over 4-5 years. Maybe in a future blog I can scientifically breakdown for you the reason I have chose to take such a long vacation from skiing.  Enjoy the weekend, recommend my blog to someone else! And I know that one of the graphs is a little off compared to the others based on the information that I previously stated……I figured that

1. no one would notice  ………and……

2. If you happen to notice you might mention it to me ………so…….

3. I am mentioning it first that I was too lazy to make it right, because more than likely you wouldn’t notice it anyways, and probably still don’t, also don’t bother trying to figure it out because it is not worth your time.

When I was in my late teens I was walking around in the mall.  I guy in an army outfit who looked like a nice guy made eye contact with me and came up to me.  He started recruiting me for the Army and asked me the following question:  “What is the best, most exciting thing that you have ever done in your life?”

I have to admit that I was taken back a bit, and I could not think of anything that was worthy of mentioning.  I was basically admitting with my lack of response, that I did not do anything yet in my life that was so awesome that it was worth retelling.  Since that day I have been asked this question again on a few different occasions and each time since the first time I was asked, I usually at least have had an answer when I was asked.

My first year in my profession at around the age of 22, I had a younger person by the name of Bill ask me “AndrewMichaels, what is the best thing that you have ever done in your life?”  I immediately responded, “When I was a junior in college, I took some scissors, and cut a hole in the center of my blanket…..” It probably was not the response he was expecting, and I left it at that, without explaining anymore what the hell it meant…..

I call this blanket “The MEX” because I have been wearing my blanket like a poncho ever since 2000, and seeing as Mexicans like ponchos (I think they do….although I have yet to ask a Mexican if ponchos are still hip…..).  So it was coined The Mex very early on in its creation.  Although this is not THE BEST thing I have ever done in my life, I still do rank it quite high on the list.  10 years after I created “The Mex”, and I am wearing it as I write this blog today.  I have gotten more use out of this blanket than most people do with all the blankets combined, that they ever have during their entire life.  My friend once came over last year while I was wearing it, and asked me if I was wearing a snuggie……

I took extreme offense to this and told him to “fuck off, I invented the god damn snuggie back in 1999, and it is called the Mex…..asshole!”

People on many different occasions have made millions of dollars off of the ideas I was too much of an idiot to promote. Here are two other ideas off the top of my head:

  • I invented Myspace in 1999……in my head.  I was starting to learn how to create websites my sophomore year in college, and I thought it would be awesome if everyone at the college I went to, had their own personal site linked to each other and we could all interact and meet over the internet.  I did not follow through with this idea because I thought that “only dorks would want to meet over the internet…..”
  • In 1993 I invented the text message…….. in my head.  My dad was a cop and he had a beeper.  In order to get a hold of him when he was working, we beeped him our home phone number.  I thought back when I was in 7th grade that it would be awesome if you could push the 2 button once for an A,  twice for a B, and so on.  This way I could send him a message in case it wasn’t an emergency.

The main reason I started talking about all this today and got off track, was regarding Jeopardy.  When contestants know that they are going to be on the show, they have to think about something funny, interesting, or entertaining about themselves, or come up with one of the best, most exciting things that they have ever done, for the “meet the contestants” portion of the show.

My guess is that I could talk up a fucking storm during this “Meet the contestants” portion of the show and that would be my shining moment.  During the actual game, it would a whole different story though.   I may know some of the correct responses, but gibberish would come out of my mouth,  each time I would ring in to say my response.  It would be a HUGE accomplishment if I was allowed to participate in final Jeopardy.  But it wouldn’t matter, because I would be wearing The Mex on national television.

My girlfriend and I have always taped Jeopardy.   When we watch it, in tradition we usually fast forward through the commercials, and also the “meet the contestants” portion of the show.  BUT since I have become a daily blogger, I asked her if she had any problems with us watching this portion, for comedic purposes.  It didn’t take long to realize that a lot of people don’t have much good stuff to talk about.

(On a side note I have a lot more Jeopardy stuff to talk about in the future.)

I wish I had a video of someone the other week, she was talking about how when she was a kid, she woke up and her gerbil was dead.  I thought, “This poor fucking girl”,  BUT it had nothing to do with her losing her gerbil, we all experience death at some point……. I just felt extremely bad for her not experiencing anything in her LIFE at some point.

For one reason or another a lot of weird people are smart enough to be on Jeopardy. OR more likely, a lot of smart people on Jeopardy come off as very weird when they are put into a normal conversation, when their intelligence level does not come into play as the subject of the conversation.

I know that I could be a lot smarter, but at the same time I also know that I could be a lot more socially retarded.  I would not be willing to risk any of my social skills whatsoever in order to improve my intelligence.  Anyone who IS willing to so,  probably already is socially retarded to begin with.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, expressing 1 of the top 5 things I have ever done in my life (which involves a blanket), showing some of my missed attempts to be obscenely rich, and wishing that if I ever get to be on national television that my Mex be right there with me.

On a side note, I still have problems everyday spelling these words correctly (here is how I instinctively spell them): ocassionally, atleast, and ussually…..spell check saves me every fucking time…….