Archive for December, 2010

Posted: December 27, 2010 in Something worth sharing with you
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I guess I have a few things to talk about.

First topic to talk about…….. last night I was in munchies heaven.

This consisted of three different types of food which was consumed in large quantities as I sat on my couch at 12:30 A.M. on Christmas eve.

First, I had a bunch of these golf ball shaped peanut buttery centered and chocolate coating desert thingies that a friend from work made for me.  These things are great, and it is the second year I have been blessed with these in my life.  Last year she was my secret Santa and one of the gifts she gave me was this very delicacy.  I decided last year to try an experiemnt which worked out wonderfully.  I cut them up and made a marshmallow fluff sandwich which was so good that I decided to take a picture of it.  Unfortunately, I cannot find this picture I took.  Also, I ate all of them this year during my munchies session last night before I had the chance to make another fluff sandwich.  It was my intentions to have another fluff sandwich this year, but sometimes you do not prioritize your food for future use while you are in the middle of a munchies binge.

My friend is a reader of this blog and occasionally comments here, so maybe she miraculously kept that picture and she can add it under the comment section for me………just don’t hold your breath in anticipation that she kept it.

Second, I had ice cream cake.  Anyone who does not like ice cream cake is obviously a total bitch or a ridiculous asshole.  Vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream, chocolate fucking crunchies, and of course frosting.  I usually only eat ice cream cake during someone’s birthday……..except for two different situations that I can think of.  I am eating it this time because it is leftover cake from my girlfriend’s birthday party.  It is easily safe to say that I have eaten a substantial amount more of this cake than my girlfriend has eaten.  It just sits in the freezer, and I am the type of guy who is seriously afraid of that cake getting freezer burn.

The other occasion I can recall eating ice cream cake not during someone’s birthday took place when I was a junior in high school.  I was 16 years old and my mother went away for a few days.  She gave me 30 dollars for food for the weekend.  My job was to go to the supermarket and buy some stuff to make sandwiches and such for the next few days.  I bought a 28 dollar ice cream cake instead.  Plus……….I had two dollars left over.

Third, I had some freshly baked cookies that my neighbor cooked for me.  I was out at a bar last evening from around 7 to 11.  When I got home I stopped by my neighbor’s house to give them some music for a music system I set up in their house.  It was my time and behaviors that took place while I hung out with them, which ultimately caused my munchies binge session last night on my couch when I got home.  I will tell you this much, ice cream cake and fresh baked cookies go phenomenally well with each other.

Second topic to talk about, fucking Christmas.

The other day my girlfriend said to me “You really don’t get into the whole Christmas spirit…..”  She is right, these last few years I admit to just that.  Here’s my fucking problem, the music is fucking killing me.  Christmas music starts way too early these days.  The first time I heard Christmas music on the radio this year was on November 2nd………..November fucking 2nd.

Christmas music should start TWO weeks before Christmas, NOT THREE weeks before Thanksgiving.  I hate it…………99 percent of it.  All the Christmas songs that I used to like to hear have all been distastefully re-categorized as music I don’t give a fuck about ever hearing ever again.  I just got an enema, and any enjoyment I had for any of that music has been permanently flushed out with my large quantities of shit in the tube that is required to be shoved up my ass.  Actually I have never had an enema, but I have done multiple cleanses, I recommend it even if solely for the entertainment value that goes along with seeing how much shit can actually come out of your body after having no solid food for a few weeks.

I understand why these radio stations do what they do.  Our country is in the fucking gutter and Christmas is a good feeling, it makes us think about good shit, not bad shit.  It only makes sense that hearing Christmas music should make you feel a little better if your life is not going as you hoped it would due to the fucked up economy our leaders have caused and allowed us to live in.  I say fuck the leaders, and fuck the Christmas music.  One of the best things about the day after Christmas ……..for me anyways, is that I won’t have to keep changing the fucking radio to find some non holiday music.

Third topic to talk about, a unique question for you to consider.

Let’s say you were given the opportunity to live for another 150 years, and you would be as youthful as you are today.  Obviously just about anyone would take this opportunnity but there is a catch.  Up until this point in your life today, there is a detailed book with pictures that tells the story of your life.  Who you are, why you are who you are, how you are who you are, where you are who you are……..so on and so fourth.  This obviously would be a large book since it details your whole life.  You would then have all of your memories wiped clean and you would go into a purgatory state for as long as it took for you to read the book that details everything about you.  Upon finishing that book, you come out of purgatory and start your 150 year adventure in the world.  You will be 100 percent dis-attached from the person who you once were.  All memories you now have of who you were are remembered in the third person.  You will have no attachments to all of those people in your life today who help define you for who you are.

New memories can be formed from this day forward.

How many of you could essentially pack up and leave forever?  You would essentially be killing yourself and who you are in order to live for another 150 years of youth.  Imagine if the first person you meet was a total douchebag, he would be the closest thing you have to a friend, seeing as you have never talked to anyone before since your memory was wiped clean.  You could very well become a douchebag for the next 150 years.  Think about it………..would you go on the 150 year adventure of youth?  That is a serious consequence…..but it only makes sense that it would take such a serious sacrifice in order to have such an extraordinary opportunity as having all the benefits of being a vampire without any of their weaknesses.  You would be even more bad-ass than “Blade”…….even that day-walker still needed blood or serum to survive, and you wouldn’t.  Plus Blade is in jail right now for tax evasion.  He would beat you in a sword fight though, if he was released from prison during your state of temporary immortality.  You can’t have the upper hand in everything……..

Merry Christmas everyone, I have been waiting two months for this day to come and go.  Now I can finally just enjoy the day with friends and family and put it all the music behind me.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now………

Ever happen to you?

Posted: December 15, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

So…….I have been playing video games my whole fucking life.  I am 30 years old.  We people in our 30’s live in a very unique generation because of video games.  I cannot for the life of me see my father when he was 30 years old playing ANYTHING remotely close to a video game.  Even if my dad grew up in a time when there were the video games that we have today.

But then again, I guess if he grew up at a young age with video games as a form of entertainment, then he would be just fucking like me.

He played “kick the can”………….KICK THE FUCKING CAN.  At the respective age as when my father was playing kick the can, I was most likely playing the original Nintendo.  Anytime I died in any game, I would blame someone in the room for the cause of my accidental death.  If someone was talking; and I died in the game, then I would  yell at that person.  I would let them know that becuase they were talking, it lead to my untimely death in the video game.

I guess I got so pissed off when I died, because there would always be at least three people in the room.  This meant if I died, I had to give the controller to the next person who was waiting to play.  We always shared in my household.  I fucking hated sharing, but nonetheless followed the rules.  The only way I could release my frustrations with having to take turns playing video games, was yelling at someone when I died.

Have you ever played through an entire video game over the course of a few weeks while you were drunk around 90 percent of the time that you played it?  I have……….I remember being drunk most of the time when I played Halo 2.  I don’t remember too much about the plot of that game.  I do remember being entertained by most of the levels at the time; but upon completing each level, I did not store any of it in my long term memory storage facility.  I also remember being consciously aware of my drunkenness during my sessions of playing through it. Don’t judge, but I was 24 and drinking large quantities of hard liquor every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Summers were worse.  I guess I was just bored.

I bet I could play Halo 2 all over again and feel like its a game that I never played before.

Imagine reading an entire book only during times of inebriation…….. Seriously, you should consider doing this, and I am not even fucking around.

Find a book that seems decent.  Read one page any time you are intoxicated.  Bookmark it.  Read the next page the next time you are drunk.  Never reread a previous page.  Over the course of a few years or decades you will complete this book.   Then read through it like a regular book when you are not drunk.  This might be the ultimate experiment.  Any takers? No?  OK, I am going to do it then……might take me a while though.  I don’t drink as much these days.  But maybe if I win the lottery I would take up drinking again.  This would result in a faster completed experiment.

 

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

P.S.    Glee seems to be all the rage these days.  I bet that my site will get more traffic now that I mentioned it.  I will never watch Glee. But if it gets me traffic I will take it.  Are there any shirtless or naked pictures of Glee male cast members?  I know that makes me sound gay (I am not), but it will bring even more traffic to my site, and I will take that as well.

Dear Rite Aid:

Posted: December 2, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

Right from the start I knew I was in for trouble……….

I was in the process of taking the lid off, and I noticed that it was sticking harder than normal.  This could only mean one thing………………Freezer burn.

It’s been quite some time since the last time that I have enjoyed me some Phish Food.  I must say that after last night’s act of gluttony, I am left so unsatisfied.  Throughout my life, phish food has been there for me in my times of me feeling like shit, and the desire to temporarily feel better due to the wonderful combination of ingredients, to then once again feeling like shit, since I easily consume the entire pint and all 1800 calories that make up the ingredients that I so desire.

My ritual is always the same.  First I pull of the lid with ease, and I use my spoon to scrap off the first bite from the bottom of the lid, where creamy goodness awaits me as it has stuck to the lid.  Rite Aid, you fucked with my ritual right from the start.  The lid did not come off easily and there was no ice cream on the lid at all.  Instead, all the ice cream remained together in the cup since it was crystallized and freezer burnt.  I powered through the freezer burnt top layer in hopes to find the center more creamy and familiar to the reason why I bought it in the first place.  Although better, it definitely was not worth me going out in my pajamas to buy at 8 o’clock at night.  Yeah I put my pajamas on early when I don’t have shit going on, who the fuck doesn’t?  By the time I realized that my experience was not going to be what I hoped for, I choose to continue eating this sub-par version of an otherwise Ben and Jerry’s classic with rage.  I chewed hard and breathed hard through my nose in distress.  I told my girlfriend how much it sucked…….as I continued to eat it.

In the end I didn’t finish my pint, AND I ALWAYS FINISH MY FUCKING PINT.  Anyone who puts half of their pint away for seconds is an asshole.  Maybe I am just jealous of people who can save half for later, since I have no control of my appetite.  Or maybe I just think these people are assholes since it is disrespectful to not finish what you start eating.  Either way Rite Aid, I like these assholes who choose to save half of their Ben and Jerry’s pint, much more than I like you right now.

From now on in times of glutinous behavior, it will be the supermarket that gets my business, since they obviously know how to climate control their freezers.  I never thought that I could have a bad experience during my annihilation of a pint of Ben And Jerry’s Phish Food.  You ruined my fucking night Rite Aid.

Fuck you,

Andy

This is What Andrew Michaels is Doing Now…..