Archive for February, 2010

I hope that if you enjoyed the first smoke monster video I put together, you will enjoy this one as well. Please comment if you enjoy it……you have no clue how much joy it brings me when I get a comment…..

I would like to thank a forum member on a site I go to,who I only know as Superman07, for his input which helped me make this video better with a few tweaks…….

This is called:

The smoke monster’s first time getting fired for disturbance on the job, upon leaving the island forever….

PUSH PLAY

I have to let LOST marinate another day until I blog about it…….it was the shit.

I would like to thank Kerri for showing me this game, I would like to also thank Josh for showing it to her….

So my girlfriend and I were playing this game on the computer that you can play on adultswim.com  I have to admit it is pretty addicting and I admit that it is also very gay.

My girlfriend said that maybe I should not use the word “gay” when describing it.  I responded to her,  “But, in the game you are a unicorn……..and when you make the unicorn jump, there are streaks of rainbows…….. and when you make the unicorn dash, there are streaks of rainbows……… and there are rainbows all over the fucking place in the sky……….How is it not gay?”

She said that maybe I should say something like  “Don’t let this game fool you, it is pretty awesome”…..

I responded to her by saying, that when she says such a thing like that, she is essentially saying that games that are flamboyant with rainbows everywhere and your character being a unicorn, would normally not be considered awesome and by you saying “Don’t be fooled”…….that is much more offending than calling it what it is……. An awesome, addicting, gay game.

She sat there without a response.  I think I claimed defeat in that argument, but maybe she was just ignoring me since I like to be right.  Also, when I retell a conversation on my blog, I probably write to make myself sound more right……..She can start a blog of her own if she has a problem with this.

My girlfriend and I have very effectively morphed into our over the top competitive 9 years old mindsets, like when we would be  playing 8-bit Nintendo.

I do not think that we would have enjoyed each other back then, in times of 8-bit Nintendo video game playing…..Our competitive video game playing natures, may have made us each other’s nemesis.  First impressions last a long time, but video game grudges as a first impression last a lifetime.

Within this mind frame that we are both experiencing while we play ROBOT UNICORN ATTACK, we have remembered that:

  • Neither one of us liked to take turns playing video games.  We both always think that it should be our turn….no one else’s.  Most fights with my brothers growing up, was in result of me not wanting to give up the controller.  Today in the present, we both have extreme difficulty passing the laptop to each other after we die, exactly the same way our 9 year old selves, hated giving up the Nintendo controller upon dying.
  • Neither one of us like it when some one is talking to us, while we are trying our best to pay attention at the task at hand……which is, keeping that fucking unicorn from blowing up.  I regularly blamed, and instantly yelled at my friends and brothers when I would die playing a Nintendo game, and I would yell “I DIED because YOU were talking….” I said this in a VERY mean way (And I truly believed this was the cause of my death in the video game, and you know what, fuck it, I still believe it….I regularly tell Kerri that I am blaming her for the reason why I just died in Robot Unicorn Attack.)

My 8-bit Nintendo controllers had bite marks all over them, I feel I can safely say this knowing that I am not alone.  If I am alone I would like to explain myself.

I was never a controller thrower when I died in a Nintendo game……I understood that doing such a thing was the WORST way to take out your stress on the Nintendo, seeing as you might not have the ability to play anymore if you broke it.

I would think and most of the time yell out loud “I should not have died there……the Nintendo is being cheap”.

Even though I knew that it was bad to throw and possibly break my controller, I felt just as much stress as those who idiotically choose to throw and possibly break their controllers.  I found that biting my controller was a better stress relieving behavior.  I want to punish the Nintendo for being cheap, but I do not want to hurt it to the point of not being able to function.  Biting my Nintendo controller was a good way for me, to let it know that it is acting like such a fucking asshole in its cheesy way it made me die.

Anyways………………

SCOREBOARD:   (Who else is up for the challenge??)

FIRST PLACE:          ANDREW MICHAELS (OF COURSE)

SECOND PLACE                            KERRI

THIRD PLACE                             LYNNE D.

FOURTH PLACE PETE D

There are a few things that I would like to point out.

  • My high score is no mistake……It is 97,000
  • If you are trying this game for the first time, it will take you some practice to even come close to my worst wish for your combined wishes score……never mind my second worst wish, and never mind my ridiculously high wish, and finally totally fucking forget about coming even remotely close to my combined score of all three wishes.
  • Drew….You will not beat this score, if you do, I will beat yours upon finding out how high you scored. I will need a picture emailed to me for proof.  (If you push the “control” and “prtscn” keys on the keyboard at the same time it takes a picture of whatever you are looking at on your computer screen…so make sure you are looking at your score on the screen…then go into the basic paint program in windows, and click on edit, and then paste…..your high score will show up in paint, then just save and email.)
  • Anyone who wants to email me a picture of their high score, I will post the picture with your name and current ranking.
    1. Go to http://www.adultswim.com
    2. Click on GAMES
    3. Click on Robot Unicorn Attack

    * It is awesome
    * The music is right up my alley
    * It is addicting
    * Embrace it, and enjoy the shit out of it…….

    This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow………………

A few weeks ago I was watching a Television show called Food Tech.  This episode was talking about Chinese Takeout.  I sat for a few minutes with my jaw totally ajar, in awe of how crazy this scene was concerning the Peking duck.  There is no nasty mistreatment towards the ducks, but I could only compare it to the Matrix and how the machines cultivated us in factories.  Enjoy:

Did you here that guy just say “Welcome to the world”, as he helped the duck out of the egg?

“Welcome to the world……you have just been manufactured and magically brought to life by us, in our beautiful human society, where your sole purpose for existence, will be to be part of combination plate number 48…… “

I want to get married someday, I know I want to have kids……. someday.  I understand that marriage and family is what you make and put into it.  I have many friends who are married, and quite a few who have kids.  I feel that all my friends who are married with children,  understand my dark nature when it comes to humor and won’t be remotely offended by this story, and besides, they have like 10 years before this scenario would even be possible anyways.  Notice all of these disclaimers, it might mean that I have a feeling that this piece of work may not be everyone’s cup of tea……..so if you are offended, I guess it just really sucks pretty hard to be you.

That being said I hope you enjoy my diabolical short story today.  I would like to thank Kristi, Kristin, and Andrew for listening to the very early stages of  this short story during casual conversation at Shannon’s party last Saturday.  I sometimes question my friends on whether I am trapping them with my conversations and they can’t seem to escape or sometimes even speak, because I have a lot to say…….thankfully I am still told that this is not the case.

The title of this story is:

“Boys, put down your silverware……”

(It takes place at the dinner table.)


“Boys, put down your silverware, and listen, there are a lot of things I have to say….. Your mother and I are getting a divorce.  We want you to know that we love you both very much, and that it is not your fault that we are getting a divorce, but in all actuality……………………it kind of is your fault.

You see, before we had you two wonderful children, it was just me and your mother…………….. and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD at our hands for the taking.

We liked to go out with friends.  We used to go out, get totally wasted, do idiotic things, AND seemingly not get injured……. Or at least we got injured much less often than the theoretical rate of injury one might assume that one should have gotten injured, based on our behaviors we exhibited on a daily basis.

We used to make each other laugh because our sense of humors were still intact before you drained them from us…….now our only form of humor is talking about something funny that you or your brother did.  ACTUAL funny shit……….that people really do find humorous, was thrown out the fucking door the day you two arrived.

We used to go on GOOD vacations.  We used to get GOOD uninterrupted sleep.  We used to have all this money to recklessly spend on things that were totally unnecessary but entertaining and enjoyable.  We used to not care if the pets caught us having sex, but when you two came along, you made the idea of getting laid in our own house nearly impossible.  You two sleeping over your friends house, was a god blessing for me, since I knew that if I brought up to your mother the possibility of having sex that evening, I had a one in ten chance of getting laid.

Your mother never used to complain about her body before she had the both of you.  Now she complains about it all the fucking time ……..and for good reason son, her entire outfit now acts like a full body bra that is holding EVERYTHING up, while at the same time, its slowly strangling her entire body to death, much like an anaconda’s favorite killing method of its prey before it swallows it whole.

When you used to feel the house shake sometimes, and would ask me what that was, I would always say that it was the train going by the house.  When you got older and I continued using this excuse, you started to respond with,  “But daddy, there are no train tracks near our house”.   I would then act like I did not hear your response, each and every time, until you decided that you would rather be playing with your toys, then to try and figure out why your father would just sit there and not respond to your clear and obvious response, regarding the lack of train tracks in the general vicinity to that of which we call “home”.

I am telling you now that when your mother takes off her clothing, a rather large mass of her body is now immediately affected by gravity due to this sudden lack of full body support, and it all rushes towards the center of the earth spontaneously.  This shock wave of force is what has been shaking the house all these years.   So when you learn about gravity in high school, you can share with the class and your teacher, your mother’s story regarding gravity and how all those years you actually thought that it was a train.  Hilarity will ensue in the class, and some girl in the class will undoubtedly think that you are funny.  You will probably lose your virginity to her,  since you left this good laughing first impression on her in science class.  You see son, people who are genuinely funny, will never have a problem getting laid, never forget that……..(WHISPER) never forget that…..son (WHISPER)

I must say over the years , every time your mother speaks about her body in frustration, its the ONLY TIME that she uses declarative statements, and doesn’t sound ridiculously stupid.  This is primarily because in those moments of her vocal display of her low self worth and her low self body view, she usually stated things which were true and undeniable.  Progressively over the years, she would say:

  1. “My fat just bulges over the top of my favorite jeans, and they are getting too tight”
  2. “I can’t even sit comfortably in my favorite jeans anymore”
  3. “I can’t even come close to buttoning these anymore, never mind being uncomfortable in them anymore”
  4. I look like absolute shit….

Its funny though, son……Every once in a really great while, your mother shows me that she actually has some intellectual thinking capabilities wandering around in her head, because she takes the “I look like absolute shit” declarative statement, and mixes it up with some interrogative qualities.  A perfect example is when she says:

  1. “I look like absolute shit, how did I let myself get to this point?”

Please understand though, that these instances are even more rare, then the already rare instances of her not sounding retarded from her declarative statements.

Once she said:

  1. “I absolutely love these new jeans I bought, they just fit my body so much better”

Yes son, that’s right,  your mother just took the plunge of death, into a life which involved  “mom jeans”, and until my recent good fortune regarding this divorce, I thought I was going to have to deal with your mother wearing those awful jeans for many, many, years to come…….Maybe you will understand when you are a little bit older, how awful it is to look at your significant other, while she it wearing mom jeans, all while you are trying your best to not make a face of extreme distaste towards her ferociously awful appearance in those jeans.  I do not even like to read the newspaper, but many times I would pretend to read it, just so I could hide my facial expressions behind the newspaper as I held it up.

Whenever you saw me sitting in the back porch, with a beer in my hand held against the side of my head, staring at the ceiling, you would come over and say “Daddy, what are you doing?”  I would always say,”Oh nothing, champ, what are you doing?”……Right at that point I effectively got your mind off of me and made it about you.  Now, maybe you have an idea of what I was actually doing…….More than likely, moments before I was in the porch, with a beer held against my head, staring at the ceiling, I probably saw your mother in those awful, awful jeans.  Although there was not too much going on with that porch ceiling, other than counting how many ceiling tiles there were, 75 if you were wondering, it sure as hell beat looking at your mom, in those fucking mom jeans.

I am not saying that you are the reason for our arguments, for that I blame your mother 100 percent.  I would never blame the two of you for our arguments.  You two were just the “gasoline” that was thrown onto the already burning fire.  Or maybe you two were the “spark” that started the fire in our house, and had we really wanted to,  we could have probably easily put out the fire by throwing water on it, but instead we just chose to watch our house burn down, in the safety of us all viewing it from across the street.

You accelerated us. Our lack of sleep, money, time, privacy, and sex are not solely to blame from your existence, but you definitely played a pivotal role in it, and I honestly thank you for that, son, I am truly grateful for this.

Our arguments have become a little bit meaner in nature, with each fight that we have had since you two have been born.  Over the last ten years we have grown a sincere desire to not want to talk each other ever again.  I would be an asshole of a father, by lying to you, and saying that it wasn’t at least partially your fault………but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you, we really do.

But don’t cry,  we more than likely would have eventually grown to dislike each other anyways.  You helped us realize that we can’t stand each other anymore, and had it not been for you two, who knows?……..maybe we would have stayed together for another five years before we realized that we were wasting our time in life with someone that we have an extreme distaste for.

So guys…….honestly……….Who’s ready for dessert??????

We have popsicles, ice cream, and I think we have some leftover key lime pie in the fridge………..no one??? Seriously guys?  You guys love dessert…….. Whats the matter, did you eat your dinner too fast?  Maybe you just need to burp,  sometimes you will be amazed at how much more space you can make in your stomach with a good belch.  This one time when I was in high school, my friends and I went to a buffet, and the food was so good that I went into the bathroom and vomited on purpose, in order to get another plate. Seriously guys…… no dessert for ANYONE?”

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….

I put this video together today after sitting around watching and discussing Lost and the twilight zone, this afternoon with Tim and Drew.  Thank you guys.

This is the smoke monster’s first job interview upon leaving the island, after trying to start a normal boring everyday life, but he still reflects on who he once was while thrashing people on the island.  Hope you enjoy this short video…….

This is hopefully the first of many:

Point and Counterpoints…….

After watching and episode of Pawn Stars with my girlfriend and my friend Drew, I questioned how far Paul Revere would excel in a contemporary, present day setting. A man brought in a spoon made by Paul Revere to try to sell to the owners of the Pawn store, and I couldn’t help but be dazzled by his extremely talented craftsmanship with the spoon he forged.

My Point

I stated for the record, that a man as talented as he was, in a time where there were not the best tools to work with,  he was probably a genius or at very least a very genetically gifted individual.  He made the best possible items based on the tools and raw materials he was given in his time period. Had he been born into contemporary times, I believe he would have excelled to the same extent compared to his counterparts in the 1700’s.  He would not have just been a master blacksmith, he would have been able to use his superior brain capabilities and talents to create superior products in this day and age, since he would have the resources at his disposal to create more advanced products.  These resources would include, better education, better materials, and a higher level of technology to begin using, compared to what he had at his disposal in the 1700’s….. I was also told that Sam Adams beer does not have a picture of Sam Adams, because he was quite ugly, the picture on every single bottle of Sam Adams, is actually Paul Revere……..

Drew’s Counter Point

Your first mistake here is assuming that Paul Revere could have excelled at anything that any of the great thinkers at that time did. Aside from finding a way to manufature metals quickly and efficiently, he had no other technological achievements of his own.

In fact, he is held being largely responsible for the failure of the Penobscot Expedition which at the time was the States’ largest Naval defeat and for which he was subsequently accused of  disobedience and cowardice…not exactly what comes to mind when you think of a guy that could have succeeded at anything (even if just for his time period).

One can not conclude that he was a genius for his time period based on his skill as a silversmith alone. His skill, just like anyone elses in those days, was derived solely from his apprenticeship under his own father…nothing more. I would say that anyone else that had the same upbringing as him might have been just as successful had they been born into the same family.

Finally, the percentage of the population that had access to educational assets in those days, pales in comparison to the percentage that does in the present day. What was the literacy rate then? 10%? 20? I would postulate that had Revere existed in the present day, he would be either equal to or worse off than those his own age due to the leveling of the educational playing field.

My counterpoint……

This was nothing compared to your response in the conversation last night…..it is a sneak attack and I call bullshit……nonetheless I will have to actually research history, which I assume you may have done as well, for my response.

Drews Counterpoint

You can call bullshit all you want, but you should have known better than to engage in a battle of wits unarmed. I had some time on the ride home to think about it a little more, and figured that if Revere was such a genius, why didn’t he stop at being a silversmith and not move on to something else?

So I found my answer last night…he couldn’t. He tried, and he sucked at it, so he went back to melting and stamping silver instead of doing something that was more mentally taxing. As I said last night, I don’t doubt that he may he have been good with his hands in the present time…but aside from fixing cars and giving you hand jobs, it’s not going to get him very far. And even then, he would have had to learn how to do it over the course of several years from his father.

So in closing, Paul Revere would have learned to be a mechanic from his father (and it would have taken him at least 10 years of his life) and he would have had to have had the same education when it came to jerking you off. “The Andrew Michaels is coming, the Andrew Michaels is coming!”

My counterpoint……

Yeah, but you have to at least admit that the person who invented the cuckoo clock was pretty much a genius….

Argument end

Moving forward……

These are rules, from now on that myself and Drew have to follow when playing Point and Counterpoint.  (Just like Jacob and the Man in Black)


  1. All discussions need to take place in person, be spontaneous, and be argumentative in nature. (This should not be difficult for either one of us)
  2. All discussions will be recorded during their actual conversation, no hindsight additions will be tolerated.
  3. Each person is allowed to have three total responses.  (Meaning if you start the argument, you are only allowed to have two responses since you are in advantage for starting the argument)
  4. At the end of each blog post there will be a poll to vote on who you believe to be more correct: Myself or Drew

There will not be a poll at the end of this one because the rules had yet to be fully created upon the beginning of this battle.   I know in its current state I would easily lose, and I know it would take a lot of research on my behalf to prove him wrong, which I would be willing to do if I really had something to prove.  But the point of these “Point and Counterpoints” from now on is to be 100% spontaneous argumentative conversation, instead of  back and fourth emails.  I am giving him this one without any further rebuttals.  This one started off in conversation, but turned to emails the next day.

I already spend too much time with this blog to even consider researching U.S history ever again in my life.  The only time I will ever be excited to research any form of history, will be when we hopefully become a part of a galactic society.  Fuck U.S. history……I want to learn about Galactic History 101,  and epic solar system/planetary battles that have ensued over the eons of space and time.  That would be the first time, in a very long time, that I would find researching any form of history, exciting and interesting.  Hopefully it will already be translated into English for us.

In my four years of Spanish class in high school,  I learned how to speak as well as a two year old neighboring country Mexican child…..possibly a one and a half year old Mexican child.  Its amazing how little you can learn when you have no interest in learning…….yet still find a way to pass a class for four years straight……although I did get my only “D” in high school, my sophomore year in this class.

There was a kid from the Dominican Republic, in my class that year, who somehow “worked hard” enough to fail the Spanish class…….I never grasped at that time, how difficult it must have been for a Spanish speaking teenager, to fail a kindergarten or first grade level Spanish course in the U.S…….

I am very tall……I have blond hair……I would like to go to the library…………I am very good………..       What the fuck man?!?!, how do you fail a class like that, when you already fucking speak  Spanish?

My Junior and Senior years I received “A’s” in Spanish class, and didn’t have a god damn clue what I was doing.  Different teachers, have severely different expectations I guess…..Showing my mother that report card with a “D” on it, was no easy task either.  But in the end I persevered into a mature adult, who questioned why English speaking people in this country were learning Spanish.

But yet again, if our galactic history wasn’t translated into English, it would be the first time ever in my life, that I would be excited to learn a new language…… whatever the universally accepted language of our galaxy is. (on a side note, I am certain that our galaxy is most certainly NOT called “The Milky Way” in casual, time passing, galactic bar, inebriated banter…..)

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow……Showing you the beginnings of an epic battle which will be on going for as long as this blog, or space/time exists…..

So I must say that Lost once again was an ass kicking experience last night.

Firstly though I feel the need to express a theory from Drew who I give full credit towards.

Throat chops are making a big mark on season 6……….

“WHAT, DID YOU  THINK, that you were NOT going to get a throat chop when you approached him?”  (Imagine someone saying this as it happened on the TV screen, this is what Drew instinctively said….)

John Locke now also posesses the same throat chop ability……

It does hurt me to see Richard acting so……… mortal.  I wonder if he will now age since Jacob is dead……..sob.  Maybe someone else from the crash, will take over the adviser spot and become temporarily immortal, once Jacob’s position is filled.

Could the smoke monster at least be partial Japanese in nature due to his uncanny ability to throat chop someone as well as Dogen?   Worth expressing…….

ON TO LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE

We got to see the smoke monsters perspective moving throughout the island.  I think the only time we have even been close to this, was in season 1 when the smoke monster approaches John Locke from above.  The camera pans down on John, with the smoke monster obviously being right behind the camera and John Locke just looks up at it in astonishment.

We found out that in the alternate time line, John and his father have some sort of relationship which does not consist of his father pushing him out of an 8 story building causing his paralysis, seeing as Peggy Bundy said that they should invite his father to the wedding if they just do it in Vegas.  How did John Locke get paralyzed in this time line?

We get to see a frightened Richard Alpert, who knows that the thing that has taken over John Locke, is MUCH more powerful than he is.  Richard CANNOT WAIT to get to the temple to be protected by ash.

We get to see a child of some sort who is dressed like Jacob in the old days.  This child seems to be bleeding at the arms the first time we see him.  He also tells the smoke monster that “he cannot kill him, he cannot break the rules.”  I believe the boy is talking to him about killing Sawyer.  Maybe the smoke monster takes on qualities of the body he copies?  Seeing the smoke monster yell the same thing John Locke yell “You can’t tell me what to do!” makes me think that he is still very much trapped, even though he is roaming freely for the time being.

I believe that the smoke monster is not allowed to kill anyone who is a candidate to replace Jacob.  The smoke monster had its chance to kill Kate, Jack, John, and Sawyer since season one.  But it didn’t, remember when Kate was inside the trees and she was counting down from five?  The smoke monster just left her, probably because it was against the rules to kill her.  Ben could have also been manipulated to kill John Locke, since the smoke monster was not allowed to kill John himself, as well as being manipulated into killing Jacob.  This way the smoke monster could take over the form of John Locke to gain access to Jacob.  The smoke monster wants to kill everyone on the island, so that no one can take over Jacob’s position.  Meaning no one will ever again be called upon to the almost impossible to find island anymore.  Then the smoke monster can finally go back, to wherever a smoke monster would call home, since he no longer will be bound to the island by Jacob or Jacob’s replacement…..

Richard was making it a big deal in season five to getting the dead bodies, from the Dharma folk, after Sawyer and Juliet killed two of them.  Maybe it is very important to bury the dead in order for the smoke monster to not be able to take the form of those people and infiltrate the others.  Miles walked over some freshly buried military people in season 5 and mentioned it to Faraday.  Naomi mentioned to Miles off the island that, there are dead bodies buried all over the island.  The smoke monster has taken the form of lots of characters since season one.

I believe that just about every time we see someone who was supposed to be dead, we have been seeing the smoke monster.  Christian is dead, yet we see him on the island numerous times.  Yemi is dead, yet he talks to Ecko, and even says to Ecko, “You speak to me as if I am actually your brother”.

There is only one exception to this theory and it is Walt.  Walt talks to John Locke after he was shot by Ben in the pit.  Walt talks backwards to Shannon.  We know that Walt is still alive.

We now know that the numbers represent the chosen people as possible candidates to replace Jacob.  It would be quite cool if in the end we see, a John Locke and a Jack Sheppard on the beach having a similar conversation that Jacob and the Man in Black had,  all while they are both witnessing some other event that is happening in front of them (like the arrival of the black rock, or oceanic 815) which is bringing more people to the island.

I now believe that Adam and Eve were predecessors to the positions the man in black and Jacob held.  It is a constant flow of people over the centuries that take on the duties that Jacob and the man in black held or hold.  The man in black already stated that at one time, he was just an ordinary man like sawyer.   I am just typing everything that comes to my mind……coherent or incoherent, just like Lost.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow…….everything is lost, everything is fucking lost………