Archive for August, 2010

My friend got married recently and it was basically a full mass ceremony.  It was beautiful.  She looked beautiful.  The church was beautiful.   And during all this beauty that surrounded me, I realized how I am the farthest from being religious that I have ever been in my life.  I recently referred to myself as a spiritual atheist, and I am sticking with that term for the time being.

While we were waiting for the wedding party, I was sitting down in the church, talking to a friend Eric, who I only get to see on a every other year or so basis. During the conversation in the church I had no regard to my vulgar language which I have come to accept in my life as acceptable.

“Fucking this, fuck that, this fucking guy, so on and so fourth”

After catching myself acting inappropriate in this church (by the church’s standards, not mine), I mentioned to Eric how I was optimistically thinking that the living conditions in hell, aren’t as bad as the reputation that the church had given it.

“Maybe Hell is just this place that you go to, that is just not as good as Heaven.  I mean if Heaven is as awesome as I hope it could be (if it exists), then I would really really like to go there.  But, if Hell is as good as I optimistically hope it to be (if it exists), and if I don’t make it into Heaven, it might not be all that bad to go to Hell, and I am sure there will be plenty of people we know there….”

I declined the free food the church offered because I was not in the mood for any “Body of Christ.”  I declined the free booze as well.  It is not often that I pass up free food and free booze, but I seem to do so on any occasion I get when I make my rare visit to a church.  I don’t know, maybe its all the bullshit that I think that the Catholic Church has put people through over the years, or maybe its because I am not confirmed, but when they offer me free food and free booze, it just never seems enticing to me.

My mother grew up with a strict Catholic mother (my grandmother, obviously).  Every time we would go to visit my grandmother she would ask:

“Did you go to church before you came to visit me?”

Depending on the time of the year, we would visit my grandmother on Sundays or we would have sporting events to get to.  When we were to visit my grandmother, it was expected by her, that we would go to church first, and then come to visit her.  The problem was that my mother had a “falling out” with the church.  On top of this she felt extremely guilty if she was to ever lie to my grandmother about attending church, when we had not.

The reason we stopped going to church had to do with an argument my mom had with one of the priests.  The argument was over the clothing that we were wearing to church.  We had baseball, soccer, and basketball in our lives when we were children.  The most convenient way to do church and sports on Sundays were to go to church dressed in our sports uniforms, so right from church we could leave, and go to one of the most likely three different sporting events that my brothers and I had to go to.

The priest basically told my mother that we needed to dress appropriately for church, or that we should not attend.  One would figure that God should not care how we are dressed when we are honoring him or her, but the priest thought otherwise.

So at this point in our lives something totally awesome happened, we stopped going to church, kind of…………

Since my mother hated to lie to my Grandmother, she came up with a little scam, which made my mother feel a little bit better about her mother asking her about church.  Everytime we would go to visit my grandmother, we would now drive into the parking lot of church.  We would sit in the parking lot for 30 seconds or so, and then my mother would say “So now if your Grandmother asks us if we went to church, we can say that we did….”  I never complained once about this, and I thought it was one of the best things my mother came up with in regards to us, and church.

I got to visit my friend Ali and her husband Adam this weekend in New Jersey.  I seem to throw up violently every time I hang out with Ali.  I can’t say that she makes me drink more than I should, but I found myself at 3:30 in the morning leaning on her fence as I vomited up all the good quality Omaha Steak burgers and hot dogs we decided to grill up at 2:30 in the morning.  As the vomiting came to a close, I feel like I stayed leaning on the fence for what felt like a good five minutes, when I suddenly found myself in a moment of clarity.  This was not the alcoholic’s moment of clarity that one sometimes exhibits when they realize that enough is enough, “I have to stop drinking and get my shit together, pronto.”  This moment of clarity was more or less a drunk guys sudden good feeling, which occurred after getting all of that bad shit out of my stomach by means of violently vomiting.  For one, the burger was top notch, but I know for a fact that I was playing russian roullette by choosing to cook and eat mine at a tasty medium-rare.  But for some reason after all the throwing up, moaning, groaning, drooling, and self pity I exhibited on that fence, all the bad feelings went away and I felt fucking great.  Not great enough to start drinking again, but good enough to join the group and and have a normal conversation about what I just went through on that fence.

I find myself from time to time blaming the food that I have eaten to cause me to be sick, rather than the unnecessarily large volumes of hard alcohol in which I have consumed that evening.  After my friend Andrew’s wedding is a prime example.  I vomited 3 times and I took 8 shits, the day after he got married, I must have lost 10-12 pounds that day.  I had a medium-rare steak the night of his wedding, along with a large quantity of hard alcohol.  The first vomit of the day comes with a story.

We were on a resort in St. Thomas.  The morning after the wedding I walked down the stairs of the resort to get some food to make me feel better.  There were at least 50-60 steps I would say that one would have to travel down, in order get to the area where the pool is located, as well as a place to get some food.  After around three bites of my morning food, I realized that it was only going to make me feel worse.  I started to get a “watery mouth”, which is a phenomenal gift and sign from your body telling you that “You are about to vomit……hard”.

So I was initially walking up these 50-60 steps in order to go back to my room in order to vomit, when I realized that there was no way I was going to make it back to my room.  I did not want to vomit in public either, so I decided to start to run up the 50-60 stairs in order to find some place to vomit in private.  By the time I made it to the top of the stairs, I was completely out of breathe.  I was still far from my room, and I was close to a maintenance door which I tried to open.  It was locked.  I was out of breathe.  I vomited all over the ground in front of the maintenance door, all the while I was gasping for air as hard as I could.  Try to really visualize this scene.  I am violently vomiting, all while I am violently gasping for air, but it is very hard to breathe in air because vomit is coming out of my mouth and my nostrils.  The noises I made during this fight for oxygen while vomiting, must have sounded like nothing that any species has every come close to sounding like.

Everyone from the wedding went to the island next to St. Thomas the day after the wedding.  Instead I went to my hotel room and proceeded to throw up two more times and take 8 shits.  Once again, I blame the food, not the alcohol.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

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Posted: August 29, 2010 in Videos that I think you should watch

So I was a real big piece of shit today, AND I was very productive…..go fucking figure.

First about my productivity, I did laundry ALL day.  Why did I do laundry all day? Because I honestly cannot remember the last time that I actually did my laundry…..so I guess I can say that it was overdue.

In Ghostbusters, Bill Murray spoke of the “multiple levels of cleanliness” in his clothing, which were laying all over his apartment.  This is a trait in which I have accepted into my own life.  I have no problem admitting to you, that if you ever see me in person, it’s probably not the first time that I have worn the shirt and/or the shorts that you see me wearing, without having had them washed.  I do at least keep my “whites” fresh and clean, and that is what I think matters most.

(For example)

My friend Ali came to visit a few months ago, and we went to another friends party on Friday night.  The next day we were going out for the day and she said to me:

“You are wearing the same outfit as last night…..”

I responded with:

“So what? It’s the weekend….. you will probably see me in the same outfit on Sunday as well”

Back to my laundry situation today…….

It just so happens that I was to the point with my laundry this week that all of my clothing that I enjoy to wear, were not clean (even by my “multiple levels of cleanliness system”  in which I enforce on a daily basis.)

So I did laundry all day today.  At least 7 loads of clothing, towels, and some sheets for good measure.  I even took my shirt off that I was wearing at 9 o’clock in the morning and threw that in the wash as well.

  • It is now 11:26 P.M. (14 and a half hours later), and I have yet to put a shirt back on (I would put money on me not putting one on until tomorrow).
  • I feel slightly greasy in the hair department because I did not shower today.
  • I feel slightly grubby due the fact that I have not shaved in the last 4 days or so.
  • I feel slightly disgusting because I just ate a bowl of Chedder cheese chex mix and I washed it down with a can of diet ginger ale.
  • I feel slightly scrubby because I just burped from all the ginger ale, and it was a warm burp which consisted of a digested cheddar cheese chex mix taste.

I became self aware of my extreme level of shit at exactly 11:26 P.M., while I was looking at some online sites and forums, which I have been looking at ALL DAY LONG, as I burped, while I felt grubby since I did not shave in four days, while I felt greasey since I did not shower today, all while I did not have my shirt on, which I have not worn all day…..and all night.

You know what is the most pathetic part about this is?  I planned this……..

Last night my girlfriend asked me if I thought I could clean up the laundry room and do some of my laundry(which was long over due, even by my standards).  I instantly said to her “Yes, I will make it my goal to do laundry all day tomorrow and get that room cleaned up.”  I had ulterior motives as well, since doing laundry is a waiting game of productivity, and the closer in proximity to the laundry that you are, the more productive you can be.  Move too far from the laundry, and you forget occasionally that there are clothes in the dryer which need to be hung up or folded, so you can take the load out of the washer and throw that in the dryer, in order to put a new load in the washer.  This cycle needed to be done multiple times today in order for me to feel that I succeed in my goal that I set out to achieve today.

It just so happens that my computer is located right next to the laundry room in the basement.  I knew that it was 100 percent possible for me to be able to be very productive with the laundry today, AND be a rediculous piece of shit.  I could sit on the computer, in the basement, with my shirt off, ALL DAY LONG.  I got to play my StarCraft 2 game a few times, and then in between sessions of playing my game, I would continue the cycle of my laundry loads, and then I would go back to the computer to go onto sites that I like to read and post my opinions on.

Yup, I am one of those people who doesn’t just read shit on the internet (as you can tell with my blog).  I also enjoy posting my thoughts in forums that interest me.  I am an internet NERD.

I gladly took the goal of cleaning my clothes and cleaning the laundry room, because I realized that I could be 100 percent productive today with my goals, AND be a ridiculous 100 percent piece of shit AT THE SAME TIME.

As I am about to post this blog I look back upon my day of productivity and laziness, and I definitely agree that this is the most productive that I have been in the past two or three weeks, BUT it also is the laziest I have been in the past two or three weeks.  Days like this do not happen often, they are VERY rare.

In fact, if I try to do this every Saturday, I will have no more laundry to do since it will only be one load of dirty laundry, and whatever I do choose to do in order to be productive, will take more attention in order to achieve this new goal, as opposed to mindlessly doing the laundry all day.  This leaves little room for me to be a piece of shit, since I will be away from the computer, and I will also be in the middle of doing something that I probably do not enjoy doing, so this in return means that I will not do it all day, like I did with the laundry.

This means that I will be more likely to be productive when I am also allowed to be a piece of shit at the same time, as opposed to not being able to be a piece of shit because I need to be productive and it requires my full attention.  This is why I am not as productive as I should be, it’s the constant dueling forces of productivity, and my willingness (or lack there of), to give it my attention.

It’s a funny world that I have created around myself, and when I think about it more and more, I believe it is right where I am supposed to be.  I am just now after 30 years, starting to decipher: the whats, wheres, and whys of everything that makes me who I am today.  I don’t do my laundry on a regular basis because I am lazy, and I will not consider doing my laundry, until I can be lazy all day while I choose to do it all at once.

If someone can give me an example of them being either:

A.     More productive than I was today, all while being an equal piece of shit that I was

or

B.     Just as productive as I was today, all while being an even more of a piece of shit than I was

THEN I AM ALL EARS…..state your case, let it be heard with a comment.

I like it when people comment on this blog, it makes me feel good, even if you make something up, it will still make me feel warm and fuzzy, and as if people actually read this site.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……


So this television show I am watching right now is talking about how the over-fishing that we are doing, is allowing for jelly fish to flourish in the oceans.  On top of this, the jelly fish release a poison which kills fish eggs. Eventually jellyfish and humans have the ability to wipe out fish.

This makes me feel that our main source of food from the ocean could become jellyfish…..if shit really hits the fan.

How awful would it be to have to eat jelly fish in order to stay alive? Would you like to live in a society where all that was available to eat was jelly fish? All cows, pigs, chickens or any other meat edible animal just mysteriously died to really make you question whether or not you would want to live in a society where we were truly required to eat jelly fish to survive.

Seeing as we live in a society where we do not need to eat jelly fish to survive, the transition would only be difficult for us.  All children in future generations will be given jelly fish at such a young age, and have no idea to what a shit deal they are truly experiencing.

Fish and Chips are pretty spectacular, and these kids will blindly eat their jelly fish without realizing how good an overly battered and deep fried fish actually tastes.

Sometime in the distant future:

“Honey, the kids are fighting again……”

“Boys!!!! Sit in your seat, keep you hands to yourself, stop kicking each other, stop calling each other names, and finish your god damn jelly fish before you are both grounded……AND don’t even think you will get your jelly fish ice cream for desert!”

For one reason or another a lot of you in this day and age seem to enjoy eating underwater cockroaches, so how bad could jelly fish really be?  Most of you will make an easy transition to jelly fish.

I will not.  I would be pretty fucking FAR………from ok.

This will be one of the many possible ends for Andrew Michaels.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

You know, this show has to stop teasing me with constant male on male action, and constant shirtless men with ripped abs, and constant male ass cheeks ……….When am I finally going to get to see some full frontal male nudity? All I am asking for is a nice penis every once in a while on screen, and of course it would only be acceptable if it was in a scene with two men…….is that too much to ask? Maybe season four will push envelope and make this possible.

My dream scene from season four:

I would like it to go from Layfeyete doing it with some guy, then it flashes to some werewolf that is running and then we see it turn back into human so I can see his ass cheeks as he runs, then it flashes to Eric Northman having sex with another male vampire for some monetary or physical object of gain, flashing then to Jason Stackhouse washing the cars with his shirt off, flashing immediately to Sam Merlot running through the woods naked, and then finally flashing to a scene of Hoyt coming out of the closet to Jason as they are laying next to each other as they watch TV.

The penis could be in any of those scenes to make me happy….

In all seriousness though, Snoop Dog needs to have more scantily clad men in his next Sookie Stackhouse music video in order to better represent True Blood.

This show really isn’t that good…….. Was it ever really good?   I am just thinking out loud.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now………….

Why does my ass hurt?

Posted: August 5, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

Today is my 30th birthday and I awoke at 9:00 A.M. to my ass really hurting.  Does anyone else know what I am talking about?  It’s a weird asshole pain that can only be described as if I had just gotten fucked in the ass for the first time ever (not that I have any relevant data to know what that would actually feel like). I go into the bathroom even though I am still very tired.  I try to take a shit thinking it might help……….nothing, no dump and no relief either.

I go back into bed laying there hoping to fall back asleep.  I close my eyes, but my ass hurts too much to keep them closed.  I stare at the ceiling wondering what the fuck causes one’s ass to hurt when that person has done nothing but slept for the past 8 hours.

I go back into the bathroom, because for some strange reason I assume that taking a shit might relieve this awful anal feeling (even though I have NO feeling that makes me think that it is time to take a shit).

I push…….nothing.

I hold my breath and push………nothing.

I hold my breath, push, and grunt the words “COME ON!”

A little nugget shit has been released.

My asshole does not feel the relief that I was hoping for.

I lay back down in bed, I then realize that I can no longer fall asleep since I am uncomfortable in the ass region, and I am kind of awake now after all the pushing I did in order to take a shit smaller than the size of a Chicken Mcnugget.  I decide that I mind as well write about my early morning experiences on my 30th birthday.  As of right now, my ass feels great.  Time is a magical thing in that it seems to heal many ailments on its own, much like restarting Windows and then everything just works like it used to.

So for anyone wondering how it feels for me to be 30, I must say that so far it just feels like I got fucked in the ass for the first time.  Who knows where the rest of my day will take me though?

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now………………