Archive for March, 2010

I think that I have a lot to confess about from things throughout the years.

Seeing as I don’t really attend church (since I think that its extremely boring), and seeing as I have not confessed my sins in years (since I feel that anyone should be able to confess their sins directly to God if he or she exists), I have decided that I am going to have a monthly confession on my blog, where by you reading it, I am automatically forgiven for anything that I confess, since I say so.

Here one thing that has recently popped up in my head:

  • I have been mumbling my way through my “Hail Mary” prayers my entire fucking life.  It is easy for me to get away with this since I am not too often in situations where I have to say my Hail Mary’s, (its probably less than once a year when I  put on this “must see performance”).  Its also easy to get away with this, since most of the time when people are praying, they are not focusing on the other people in the church.  The only people who might notice that I have been doing this (my whole life), are people who are just like me, and choose to look around the church while almost everyone else is in prayer.  This makes me think that my secret is only evident to those who share my same secret. It must be unbelievable if it was ever caught on tape, with full audio of what I say, and subtitles at the bottom of the video during a Hail Mary prayer………

This is how my Hail Mary has ALWAYS gone:

Hail Mary full of grace, the lord is with thee

Blessed our souls of mumble mumble mumble

Blessed our mumble mumble mumble

Holy Mary, mother of god keeper of mumble mumble

(The rest is pure mumbling…….)

Amen

I have been saying it this way for over 20 years, and I am not even sure if the words that I DO SAY are correct.  Usually when in prayer if you look down and pretend to be saying it, it is extremely easy to get through it.  Maybe I am being punished for this behavoir, and this is why I have always complained to myself since the 7th grade  (wording it in one way or another), for not having the “fastest metabolism”.

For some reason I have never memorized more than one prayer in my life, and for some other reason, I still to this day pray almost every night before I fall asleep, reciting the one prayer that I have ever memorized .  I still do this even though I would hardly consider myself religious.

I used to pray for a variety of reasons when I was growing up.  One of the main reasons was for protection.  I used to be scarred shitless of getting abducted by aliens.  I would pray every night, and envision that the house would have a force-field like protection from any form of ANYTHING that I was afraid of.

I used to imagine about those pale white aliens, with those big black fucking eyes (which of course were capable of reading my thoughts), sitting right outside of my bedroom window, yet they were not able to enter my room, because I would say my “Our Father” prayer before falling asleep.

For some reason I would look to my God for protection, from something like an alien, that if today, had I seen  or witnessed it, I would have considered it proof, that the God (that at least I was praying to), probably does not exist. That’s a fucking sentence right there.

If my God that I was praying to, created the sun, the earth, and man, and I truly wanted protection from aliens abducting me, maybe I should have been praying to God’s God all those years.

You know, the one who created everything……… including God.  God’s God might have been better suited to keep those aliens away, since God’s God probably created the aliens as well as God.  I definitely am thinking that God’s God might be better suited at keeping away the interstellar, rude, invasive, inconsiderate aliens.

I remember during one of my chunky phases in childhood (which was also during my scared shitless phase of getting abducted by aliens),  I said to myself “If I ever get abducted by aliens, I will offer them my fat for free, just in case they wanted it, for study…..”

I thought that this was a good deal for both parties (had I been in the unfortunate situation which I was scarred shitless of being in), and maybe, just maybe they would actually entertain my offer……  At the same time, I would no longer be scared of my newly found friends, after they had helped me morph from an early-staged pubescent porker,  into an early-staged pubescent NON porker.

That day of abduction and interstellar, technologically advanced liposuction  never came………….. and I ended up changing my diet, running my ass off, losing the weight, changing my diet back to what it used to be, not running my ass off, and gaining the weight back…….This has happened no less than 10 times in my life…..probably closer to 15 times.

But then again, I don’t think that I have ever been abducted by aliens, (unless of course I just need to go into hypnosis, in order to unblock the memories which prove otherwise)……so maybe the religious God to which I still to this day pray to, has indeed protected me all these years.

But God……what the fuck is up with this fucking metabolism?  I would have gladly been interstellerly, rudely, invasively, inconsiderately abducted by aliens, had I known that the aliens would have taken me up on my fat trade offer…….

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….confessing way more, than just the original intended Hail Mary performance…………

If you are not watching the new series “Life”, you should do yourself a favor and start to.  This is for all intensive puposes a sequel to the wonderful epic series “Planet Earth”.

There was this male hippo that wanted to enter a lake that was filled with a bunch of other hippos.  This lake was a male hippo’s dream seeing as it was absolutely filled to the brim with female hippos, and no males in sight, and get this…….ALL THE FEMALE HIPPOS WERE 100 PERCENT NAKED.

Unfortunatley for the male hippo, the lake was owned by ONE dominant male hippo, and all the females were for his taking, seeing as he was fucking huge, and it only seems fair that the biggest strongest male hippo should be able to bang all the good looking naked female hippos.

The smaller male entered the lake with hopes to get laid, and was immediately entered into a male dominance battle which he quickly lost, and was forced to leave the lake until mating season next year.   Another year of not getting laid for the less dominant male hippo…………..sigh.  It then showed the hippo walking away from the lake filled with all the hot naked female hippos.

The walk of fucking shame

I felt a depression for this less dominant male hippo……. as I watched it walking away from all the ladies. It probably was feeling depressed, inadequate, and desolate as it went into another year of solitude, and lack of sex.

I thought to myself a series of four thoughts in this exact order:

  • “I wish I was there for him in his time of severe sadness,  I would tell him that everything is going to be alright”………..
  • “I wish that I also had a shit load of money”……………..
  • “I wish that I also had shit load of coke, on top of having a shit load of money”……………….

and finally that

  • “I would get this less dominant male hippo laid ALL THE FUCKING TIME……. no problem……… even if he lost every god damn male dominance battle for the rest of his life, because who the fuck really gives a shit about your attractiveness or size, if you have endless supplies of money and coke?”

The naked lady hippos would flock to him and his envious lifestyle of excess in his own lake of luxury…….I would show him the life he always dreamed of living……..

But one day, the money would run out and then the last bump of coke would be snorted.  When this happens the women will leave him for the more desirable lay………the one that makes sense, since there is an actual attraction, and not just a lowered set of standards from the females, which they put up with because of the less dominant male hippo’s possessions………

So to battle this and prevent such an awful thing from happening to my less dominant male hippo, we would need to make sure to get a good financial adviser, so that this hippo’s portfolio stays strong enough, and his coke supply stays high enough, for the female hippos to continue to disregard how undesirable he is…….

But I like the little guy regardless of not being the most desirable male hippo……………. The money, coke, and ladies never went to his head, and he never became a douchebag because of it.  He knew where he came from in his humble beginnings, and allowed other less dominant male hippo friends to enter the lake and live the good life with him as well, because there was an endless supply of money with our good financial adviser, which meant that there was also an endless supply of  coke, and the naked female hippos were not going anywhere if the supply in both was high.

Being a fairly smart hippo, he knew that he had to keep everyone happy in order to continue living this lifestyle, so he hired all of the DOMINANT male hippos to work as bouncers to sit at the edge of the lake.  Their primary objective was to keep douchebags who constantly display their male dominance, like themselves……. out of the party.  Seeing as all the dominant males were hired, they didn’t have to work too hard, since there was no one else to keep out.

The dominant male hippos became happy with their easy job, constant eye candy, and the good tips from the less dominant male hippos who have the money.   Now that they are making a decent living, they have the ability to occasionally get laid as well, since not all females are into money and coke, but are at least looking for a male with some degree of having his shit semi-together. A male hippo having  a place of his own, a job, a ride, and some sense of a future, can all be desirable to the occasional female hippo.  But the bouncers might have to settle for some of the less than hot female hippos.

Primarily, the female hippos that ARE NOT into the coke and money………….. also do not like sitting beside the lake naked and bathing in the sun, like the female hippos that ARE into the coke and money.

This is because the female hippos that ARE NOT into the coke and money, ARE INTO eating food all the time, and are “Average sized” from this instinctive hunger that is seemingly insatiable to them…………….. so its obvious that these female hippos have some body issues that they are dealing with, when they look upon, and are constantly being compared to the skinny female hippos that are blowing a ridiculous amount of lines for lunch and dinner, all while keeping that slim figure with seemingly no effort at all……..

This is What Andrew Michaels is Doing Now…………..If you ever want to really fuck with nature, all you have to do is introduce money and coke into the equation.

So I put this video together about two weeks ago, but it has since become slightly obsolete.  First Richard came out of the fucking woods, when I assumed we would not see him again until his episode.  Then fucking Miles recently became useful for the first time ever in the show, when he told of Ben killing Jacob.  You may notice these flaws when watching the video.  Regardless I am posting the video since I did put some time into making it, and also in honor of two of my favorite characters of the show.  It is called……

Richard Alpert’s Files:  Confidential Island Intelligence:  Scouting Report # 1: Team Smoke Monster:    Sayid Jarrah

I think it has a catchy title……almost poetic.

Hope you enjoy:

So I was talking with a friend the other day and she was telling me about how she believes in astrological zodiac signs.  My girlfriend also throughout the years has claimed that her behavior and personality can be attributed to her being a Sagittarius.

I have never been a believer in the idea that depending on when two people have sex and an embryo is formed, it will have major influencing factors on the type of person and personality that the future person will one day exhibit.  I have always been a believer that the future person’s personality is derived from within the genetics that he or she receives from his or her parents, and the behaviors this future person witnesses on a regular basis from the people who take care of that growing human being, whether that be the biological parents or not. Basically, I have been a firm believer that douchebags usually are formed from at least one douchebag parent.

But I am willing to take a step back and try to scientifically explain my theory on how astrological signs could be true in the profiles of individuals.  But the only way to scientifically explain this is to take a slight leap into science fiction since what I am going to express is not possible to prove or disprove scientifically at this point.

Gravity has an effect on ALL things in our universe.  It is speculated in quantum physics that there are such particles called “Gravitons” which exist on some level in the universe, but not necessarily in our dimension.  These gravitons are the particles that make up all the gravitational forces, and it is speculated that as soon as they are created to have an effect on an object, they enter another dimension, where their effects can still be felt in our dimension, but their particles cannot be seen, since they are no longer “here”…..wherever the hell “here” and “there” actually is.

On a side note if your ego is ever getting the best of you, and you are way too much into yourself and very little else, you should try watching an episode or two of the exquisite show called, “The Universe” on the history channel.  This is the show that  teaches me about such things as gravitons.  “The Universe” will very effectively make you realize how unimportant and trivial you are, in terms of things happening around you.  Shows like this make me think on a regular basis of how ridiculous many people are, with their worries and concerns about the most trivial and pointless things in our society.  We are all  EXTREMELY LUCKY just to be here for a ride which we call life, and at least in our society and way of life, we have the opportunity to have a pretty good fucking ride.  I feel that many people in our country fail to realize this.

I for one am very happy that I live in a country where obesity, diabetes, and heart attacks are at record  high levels.  These are not things that we should be concerned and worried about, these are things that we should be proud of and embracing.  It shows us that we REALLY get to live and enjoy life.  I look at it as living in a country, where I have the opportunity over the course of my life if I so choose , to eat enough shit, drink enough shit, and smoke enough shit to one day have the great opportunity to:

  • Die fat
  • Die from Cirrhosis of the liver
  • Die young from a heart attack
  • Or develop diabetes and possibly lose a limb, go blind, or shave around 17 years off of my intended life

And I truly do consider to be able to die in such a way in our country, a GREAT OPPORTUNITY.  Go take a vacation in Zimbabwe, I guarantee that if there is a study on the prevalence of heart attack related death, obesity related death, liver failure related death, and diabetic related death in their country……..they would “on paper” look to be much healthier than our country.

Unfortunatley the average life expectancy in their country is 43.5 years.  They deal with starvation, extreme HIV, and cholera on a daily basis.  I don’t even know what the fuck cholera is, but I DO know that I do not need to worry about it……..  But at least they are skinny, don’t have to worry about heart attacks, or to make sure that their blood sugar levels are not too high, and if someone has high blood sugar from some unforeseen way of ingesting too many sugars in a region that has major famine, only then would someone in Zimbabwe have to worry about taking a shot of insulin to balance the high levels of blood sugar, which would be nearly impossible to do, since drugs are impossible to obtain in the 1 remaining major hospital in their country, because hyperinflation has caused the purchase of drugs nearly impossible.  That was the longest sentence I have ever written on my blog, I am sure that it is punctually flawed…..

Back to my science fiction approach to explaining astrological signs, and their relationship to the personalities people exhibit, based on their birth date.  What if gravitons can have an effect on your growing mind while you are inside the womb of your mother?  Based on how the planets are lined up, the stars are lined up, and the galaxies are lined up at the time of your conception, it could have a very unique gravitational pull on your growing cells as you are developing your brain.  Can this gravitational pull have an effect on the state of your developing mind, inside of your developing brain, inside the womb?

I understand that I am taking a rather large leap in proposing that a physical force could have a effect on a permanent mental state which is developed over the course of a persons lifetime.  But what other scientific approach is there, in terms of you being who you are, based on the theory that it all relates to the alignment of the stars at the time of your conception and birth?  I don’t know if my case holds up at all, but I am trying to explain something that I don’t really believe in myself.   Maybe people are taking too many leaps in believing that when you are born during the year, has ANYTHING to do with who you are, based on the 30 day window you have to fall into a particular zodiac sign.

I still personally just think, that some people suck because they are douchebags.  And all douchebags seem to suck.  This correlation makes much more sense to me.  But there are a lot of things that are unexplainable, like astrological profiling that is correct on describing someone, or the occasional two douchebag parents who have a non-douchebag kid…….

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……

The first time I saw Boondock Saints, was because of one of my roommates I randomly was assigned to and met in college my sophomore year.  Bill became a very good friend through the years, and I remembered stopping by his house to help him move back to college our Junior year.  The first thing he mentioned to me was a movie in which I NEEDED to see.  It was “Boondock Saints”, the year was 2000, and it was watched many times.  Bill recently contacted me telling me he wanted to review Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day and put it on my blog.  I must say that I started to read this review, but I am holding off for a bit to read it until I witness the sequel for myself so I go into it with a fresh mind.  I hope you enjoy Bill’s review of  Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. (I have since watched this movie, and my response is at the end of Bill’s review. March 21, 2010)

BILL’S REVIEW

Background:  The Boondock Saints

It would be unfair to share this review without first explaining the eager anticipation for which I awaited the release of this movie.  Boondock Saints came out in my college years.  It would have been  even HUGER than it was if it had not been for the untimely Columbine shootings that took place upon its completion.  Nobody would touch the movie as it was thought to glorify gun violence, and it was kicked dirctly to DVD.  Simply put the movie was incredible.  My drunken college allies and I jumped aboard the wave of awesomeness that carried the film to its  renown cult classic status.

The film had it all: original soundtrack by writer/ director Troy Duffy’s Band The Brood (later renamed The Boondock Saints), great cinematography, a tangible script, and an emphasis on guns and vigilantism.   The characters were well developed and easy to love; I don’t know anybody who has seen the film that would not give a nut to have a Guinness with the MacManus brothers at Doc McGinty’s Bar….even if they don’t like Guiness or have a nut to spare.

The Boondock Saints is one of those movies that is  not only is in  the DVD collection, but has been watched a hundred times.  I bet it inspired a lot of pea coat sales and fake Irish accents. …I know it influenced my first handgun purchase: a Beretta 92FS.  Here are some clips to set the mood:

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

My wife came home with a movie, fresh from the RedBox, and taunted me, “Guess what’s out?”  I squealed like a school girl, running over to the DVD player….I hadn’t known that it had been released!  When the title screen came on I had goose bumps.  I was on the couch with my feet on the coffee table, a newly poured whiskey and coke next to me with beads of condensation dripping down the glass…”Fuckin-A,”  I thought, “life is good.…this moment is 10 years in the making.”

Intro:

The intro grabbed my attention with a lead in by the ghost of Rocco…the boys have been living a quiet life in Ireland and have grown big ass dirty hippy beards.  After learning of the slaying of their beloved preacher they get all “crazy” and prep for their return to the states in a spliced scene of cleaning their guns and cutting their untamed hair/beards with sheep shears.  Looking as fresh as a bar of Irish Springs soap they are dressed to kill.  FUCKING GAY!!!!

This scene was so Ramboesque…it could not have been more stereotypical if they had finished the scene by tying red sweat bands around their heads.  They are wanted men in America…perhaps they should have kept the hippie thing going and thrown on a couple tie dyed shirts…they would have been unrecognizable.

On a side note, Sean Patrick Flannery looked as though he had Cushing’s Disease or is suffering from a bad sinus infection.  Allergy to bad scripts?

Meet Eunice Bloom:

The FBI detective on the case is a hotshot female.  She gets out of her escort vehicle with a close up camera shot panning up from her red stiletto heels and climbing her tight, black nylon-clad legs.  This really build some anticipation…at least I think that’s what that feeling was.  I almost shit myself when the head shot revealed Julie Benz, the dumb blond that plays Dexter’s romantic counterpart, Rita in Showtime’s DEXTER.  I’ve wanted to punch that chick in the face ever since season 1 of Dexter.  Now, sporting one of the worse forced accents that I have ever heard….let’s say aristocratic old west whore….I wanted to punch her in the face and kick her in the uterus.  Sufficed to say I lost my…er…anticipation.

As her character, I hesitate to say “develop” here because we never learn much about Bloom and her background, “develops” we find she is just as eccentric as FBI Agent Smecker (Willem Dafoe)was in Boondock Saints….headphones and all while piecing together crime scenes.  She begged me to despise her more by sporting a belt buckle holster for her firearm.  Who would ever do that?  Besides being impractical, it leant no credibility to her character as a believable FBI agent….she looked like a comic book character.

Rocco’s Replacement:

The brother’s MacManus hitch a ride to the states on a Cargo ship.  They meet “Romeo”….think a tatooed Tommy Chong from Cheech & Chong….and befriend him.  Romeo is nothing more than a replacement for Rocco.  He is quirky, dumb, impulsive, has long dark hair, and seeks belonging.  Problem is he is not Rocco!  Rocco was great in his role, but he got shot and killed in Boondock Saints.  Leave his character there so we can appreciate him for what and who he was!  I don’t give two shits about the spic pseudo-Rocco.  He has no bearing in the story and  his character has not been developed.  This is the point at which I said  “Really?….is Duffy going to repeat the same movie with shittier characters?”   The answer would be revealed as a disappointing, “yes.”

Concezio Yakavetta:

Here is the son of the badass Italian mob boss….you know….the “I’ll have a Coke!” guy.  Talk about piss poor character selection. …Judd Nelson?  You have a giant pool of out of work actors to choose from, and you pick the Breakfast Club guy?  Let’s get Molly Ringwald in here to play the MacManus’ long lost mother.  Also, I think Emelio Estevez would have played a ruthless assassin. …

Papa Yakavetta was smooth like fine wine.  This guy is Pabst Blue Ribbon on a good day.   He doesn’t look, sound, or act like his supposed father.     Nelson does however look, sound, and act like Rocco from the first movie.  Same fucked up nose too.  Why risk the confusion?

Yakavetta Assasination Scene:

Rope saves the day….again.  If this isn’t beating a dead horse, they even fight over “bringing fuckin’ the rope” before it’s divine need is revealed.  Sound familiar?  Sounds boring.

When the boys visited the gun dealer, they were each gifted a pair of .50 Compensated Dessert Eagle Pistols.  This weapon has a magazine capacity of 7 in the magazine and 1 in the tube, for a total of 8 maximum shots without a reload.  Given that each brother had two guns, they were capable of each sending 16 bullets downrange without a reload.   In this scene they kill many with many well aimed shots (I counted over 50 and erred on the side of caution) without a reload.  Nit picky?  Maybe…but this kind of shit bothers me.  When I watch a movie I want it to be believable….the plausibility adds to the entertainment value.

Return of Agent Smecker:

His accent was COMPLETELY different.  He went from traditional weird ear piercing Willem Dafoe voice in the first movie to the same bastardized old west aristocratic whore accent as his counterpart Agent Bloom in the second movie…..WTF!?

Repetition, repetition, repetition:

*Brothers fuck with Romeo at gunpoint and then bust out in laughter, just like they did with Rocco in the first movie.

*Symbolism Conversation between FBI Agent Smecker and Detective Dolly in Boondock Saints/ sybolism conversation between FBI Agent Bloom and Detective Dolly in All Saints Day

*Agent Smecker and Agent Bloom might as well be the same character.  They both are eccentric, both know it all, and prefer fucking men.

*Botched plans that end up somehow going right dominate the action scenes of both movies

*Same exact gun purchase scene from the underground IRA arms dealer

*Rope saved the day in both movies

*The “Okay Coral” was again referenced during a crime scene investigation.

There are more of these similarities than I can’t count…but I don’t want to.

Saving Grace:

*The back story of Billy Connolley’s character was original and interesting.  I cared more about the flashbacks of his youth than the present day portion of the movie.

*It was cool when Greenly got killed…one of the only unpredictable things in the movie.

*Ending set up for another sequel….maybe Duffy could try to not fuck this one up.

If you are a fan of the Boondock Saints you have no choice but to see the sequel, All Saints Day.  I can only relate it to being starved to death and resorting to drinking your own urine.  Hopefully it sustains you long enough until somebody produces for you a nourishing meal.  Enjoy the anticlimactic self-plagiarized All Saints Day, and pray something better is around the corner.

(END OF BILL’S REVIEW……..)

MY RESPONSE

Bill……………. Kerri and I watched this last night.  I have to disagree with you, I thought that there were no saving graces at all in this film.  I sat in disbelief the entire movie while I watched:

  • the EXTREMELY shitty acting
  • awful new characters (detectives and mob were all extremely bad and VERY unbelievable)
  • with no curiosity from myself to see how the crime scenes became the way they did, unlike the first film
  • the fucking awful music
  • the retarded dream sequences with Rocco AND hockey
  • the terrible drinking scenes which did not look fun at all, unlike the first movie
  • the inexcusably awful “planning sequence” for the drug warehouse
  • the male nudity galore, (and I am the type of guy that some people might think wants this in a movie based on my blog postings with male lost characters being shirtless)
  • very lame brother-fighting

I read that Sean Patrick had plastic surgery right before the filming of this and that his face had still not “calmed down” from it.  Troy Duffy said that he wants to do a directors cut, which has and extra 30 to 40 minutes, and I can only think that it already felt way too long.

I was never entertained during this movie.  I usually do not sit through entire movies that are this bad, but for some reason, I felt compelled to continue watching this awful movie until the end, regardless of what my instincts told me to do.  I can easily say that this is THE WORST movie that I have watched from beginning to end in a LONG TIME.  Usually I just turn off a movie that is this bad.

People usually do not ask me, “What is the worst movie that you have seen lately?”  but before watching this movie, I would have responded to that question with ……. “People usually do not ask me that question, but I am glad you did, It was called Dark Ride”, I saw that movie over three years ago.  It takes a long time to replace my least favorite recent movie viewing experience, since I usually turn them off if they are this bad.  I foresee that for many years to come, if anyone, for some fucked up reason asks me, “What is the worst movie you have seen lately?”, I feel that my response for a long time, will be Boondock Saints 2.  I have less interest in watching the first one now too……..

Sometimes a movie comes out at the wrong time for you to truly embrace it.  I was looking around on the internet the other day, and I saw a recently taken picture of Sharon Stone.  I must say that although it is apparent that she is aging, she still looks pretty damn good. (as seen below)

I thought about about what I would say to her if I had the opportunity to bump into her.  The easy route would be to talk about “Casino” with her.  She was pretty awesome in that movie and deserves recognition on a regular basis.  But I think it would be a better conversation if I were to talk to her about the untimely release of “Basic Instinct” which ruined the actual movie experience for myself.

I believe the first time I saw “Basic Instinct” was in the 8th grade, when I somehow got a hold of the VHS version of it.  I was kind of awesome in 8th grade (in terms of my bedroom setup).  I had saved up my money for a year or so, and I bought at 19 inch TV, AND my own VCR which I had in my bedroom.  Now I know this sounds pretty common today, but try seeing how common it was in 1993 for a 12 year old.  I was the only person I knew at that age, who had such a private movie viewing experience/opportunity in my own bedroom.  This meant I could watch shit that, we probably were not supposed to be watching at that age (by our parents standards anyways), and we also had a much better shot at not getting caught in the process of watching something which was deemed inappropriate by our parents.

I remember I had a sleep over one night with three of my best childhood friends:   J.K. Jeremy Kenney Cool Cat Kid, Dave, and Vin  (For some reason myself, Vin, or Dave never had any cool nickname worth mentioning like Jeremy had and still occasionally has today, with references to the past).  We walked down the street to go to the video store where the owners were definitely the type to not care if they rented non-pornographic, but nonetheless very fucked up movies, to 12 and 13 year olds.  There was only one movie that we wanted to rent from that whole store more than anything else.  It was called “Make Them Die Slowly…”, and our wish came true for this very sleepover.  We rented it Thursday afternoon, and went to school on Friday, knowing that Friday night, we would all get to watch it.  It was a pretty exciting day at school and full of anticipation.

Little did we know that it was going to be about a group of people getting hunted in the jungle by cannibals.  We saw the NC-17 rating, and we just assumed that it was going to be a horror movie filled with lots of T & A.

Needless to say, the movie was fucked up and pretty disturbing.  One guy got his dick cut off while he was tied up, and it was eaten immediately, right in front of him.  He was later thrown back down into a pre-dug pit for prisoner holding.  He and a few others ended up escaping in the end, but I can only look back and think:

  • “Why bother leaving and trying to escape, if your dick is no longer attached, and it is currently being digested by that leader cannibal dude?   Life takes on many different qualities and perspectives as soon as you no longer have your unit, especially if you do not have one, because it was cut off and eaten by someone else.”

Living a life without a unit, after a life of having one, must be an extremely difficult task to adapt to.  All women would be at amazed at the high level of communication which takes place between the male owner and his unit.  A dog is FAR from a man’s best friend…….  The common communication breakdown of this relationship, which happens with age and poor health, has led to the creation of Viagra, and now Pfizer is raking in billions due to this.

Our units tell us when we are:

  • Happy
  • Sad
  • Sick
  • Infected
  • Watching something that looks like it hurts
  • Watching something that looks like it feels good….
  • When we are falling abruptly in an amusement park ride

Back to Sharon Stone……..”Basic Instinct” came out at the wrong time for me to experience everything the movie had to offer.  Back then, plot did not matter much in movies, as I was still growing mentally, and I would consider my former self, kind of retarded, by my standards of people and mentalities of today to which I find acceptable.

I think that if I ever bumped into Sharon Stone, I would mention to her how,  “I was sorry that my adolescent self and inadvertently my adult self, never got to experience the movie for all it had to offer, because I was too focused on seeing boobies the first 15 times I watched it.”

My friends and I watched “Basic Instinct” primarily for:

  • Sharon Stone’s sex scene in the beginning
  • Sharon Stone’s infamous interrogation scene
  • Sharon Stone’s walk through her house in the background fully nekkid
  • Sharon Stone’s lesbian behaviors with her crazy girlfriend
  • Sharon Stone’s sex scenes with Michael Douglas

Through multiple viewings of this movie, (primarily for these reasons above)  I inadvertently:

  • Realized that Michael Douglas got all kinds of ridiculous ass in the 90’s……(never mind probably in the 70’s, 80’s, 00’s and the 10’s)

AND

  • I found out all about the plot and its twists , thus ruining the first viewing movie experience (which is usually the best viewing, due to the unknown about to happen and be experienced).

I never felt the need in highschool, college, or since college to revisit this movie.  If “Basic Instinct” came out recently I might have said that:

  • It was a pretty good movie
  • There were some pretty good twists in the movie that I didn’t see coming
  • Sharon Stone is pretty fucking hot and gets naked MULTIPLE times
  • Michael Douglas gets all kinds of ridiculous ass. and I still am envious of his hair he has in  “Jewel of the Nile”…..

Unfortunately I will never get to experience Basic Instinct in this way.  It will forever be remembered by me as one of the  movies that my friends and I would watch together, while we all had hardons, and we just let those hardons be for as long as they chose to be, in the state that they were in while Sharon Stone was showing us Sharon’s stone.

Looking back, I cannot believe at how many pornographic, group-viewing, sessions my male friends and I had.  I wish I could go back in time and teach my younger self a few things about life.  One of these lessons would focus on GETTING THE FUCK OUT of those group-viewing pornographic sessions with my male buddies, and start utilizing pornos the way they are supposed to be utilized.  I probably would have been much better off, less stressed, and much more laid back in my teen years, had I not been as “backed up” as I was……..

Sharon Stone, you got me to thinking a lot this morning.  It has been a week or so since I have had any interest to write anything at all.  I thank you for that.  I  also thank you for 8th grade memories of childhood, and most importantly I thank you for showing us your boobies, so we had something to pay attention to in “Basic Instinct”, at an age when we were too young to care about anything resembling a plot in a movie.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now…..

The other day my girlfriend and our friend went out the back door to smoke a cigarette.  I almost always stay inside when they smoke, since I do not smoke.  We have a wood burning stove that works really well to heat the house.   When the back door opens up though, the draft that enters the house makes an extremely noticeable difference in the temperature in the main room we hang out in.   I was sitting on the couch with another friend and we both agreed that:

  • Since they opened the door and went outside the house to smoke cigarettes, they have effectively made it less comfortable inside the house for us in terms of temperature.

AND ALSO

  • The wood burning stove will now take at least 45 minutes in order to get the room back to the temperature it was before they opened the door, to go outside to smoke their cigarettes.

I then decided that I should go outside, in order to bring to their attention how they had negatively affected us by their habit of smoking.  My main points of my argument upon confronting them outside, were supposed to consist and focus on our newly established lack of comfort in the room regarding our general feeling of warmth.

Before I started to argue this with them, I realized that:

  • I as well, had just opened up the door  to confront them

AND ALSO

  • I was displaying the very same behavior, by opening this door in my attempts at starting a fight, that I was going to confront them with in my argument.

I then came to the conclusion that:

  • Even though what I was planning on arguing with them was completely correct and an easy win for me, they were the type of people with the intelligence level to have at least a 50/50 shot of coming back at me, with the fact that I did the same exact thing that they did, by coming outside to bring this to their attention.

I then decided to save my energy for a fight in which I had a better than 50/50 chance of winning.  I chose to let them enjoy their bad habit (which was totally accepted amongst their peers when they were teenagers) without any arguments from me at all…………this time.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….