Archive for July, 2010

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College Memories: Enough!

Posted: July 16, 2010 in college memories
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This one time I was extremely intoxicated with my good friend in college.   We were in our junior year, and it must have been around 3 in the morning.  We were hanging out in my screened in porch, in the duplex that I lived in at that time.

My friend’s name was Ali.  She was one of those girls who was good friends with us guys, because I just think that she had the overwhelming ability to get along very well with guys like ourselves.  Some girls acted certain ways to impress people, and then there was Ali, who really didn’t care about the impressions that she left.  She was who she was, and we liked who that person was.

She once got in a fist fight with one of our roommates……he deserved it.

So its 3 in the morning, her and I are taking turns impersonating Chris Farley.  We regularly quoted “Tommy Boy”, and this night in particular, we kept repeating the scene:

And this is what happens when you use “The Other guy’s” brake pads…..

There’s the talk of driving along, the eventual fire in the car, the paramedics arrive,  say “oh my god” in that deep voice:

PUSH PLAY

And then there is the line:

PUSH PLAY

So we just can’t enough of this line, back and fourth we are repeating it, and then making the vomit noise each time.  Needless to say our conversations did not improve the world we live in, in any way that night.  After a little while, I was in the process of saying it again, and I heard an extremely loud “ENOUGH!!!!!!!!!”

I looked over immediately to see the girl who was living in the other part of the duplex out side the porch staring at us, breathing heavy with extreme fury.

Have you ever been very intoxicated, and something crazy happens, to snap you out of your drunken stupor long enough for you to consciously realize how fucked up that you actually are?

This girl had this very effect on me at that moment.  This was hardly the only time we pissed her off, and this was at a time in my life when I tend to think that I was a really, really nice guy.

I think it was her own fault that we probably annoyed her on a regular basis.  She was just the type of girl who drained your life-force, when she set her stuck up eyes upon you. She would not add to the party.  Her being at the party would bring it down a level or two.  She had her looks, and she most likely had her money from her parents, but there was very little redeeming qualities in regards to her personality.

I now today wonder 9 years later:

How long she was laying in her bed listening to us repeat the same Chris Farley quote over and over again?   We were repeating it for about 10 minutes straight.  So I can only imagine that she was laying there, listening to it for a while before she actually approached us with her anger.

Each time that we finished yelling the quote, and then making the puke noise, she was probably there laying in bed, thinking that “it HAD to be the last time that these assholes were going to say it, they have been going back and fourth with it forever…………”

It gets quiet,

she closes her eyes,

takes a deep breath and says:

“Finally I can go to sleep…..”

“…………”

“……………………”

“……………………………..”

“……………………………………………”

“………………………………………………………………….”

“……………………………………………………………………………………..”

PUSH PLAY

Her eyes open immediately, she is staring at the ceiling, she probably jumps up out of bed violently, screams something that contains the word fuck, fucking, or fuckers.  She then runs out of the front door in her pajamas, she comes around the corner, comes up to the porch as I am in the process of saying it yet again:

PUSH PLAY

“Enough!”

I sit in astonishment, as I am self aware of how intoxicated I actually am.  She walks away and I look at Ali, and we both laugh uncontrollably in a situation that we are trying not to laugh in.

In hind sight we should have not tried to hide the fact that we were laughing.  We should have then proceeded to ask her if she wanted some of the grain alcohol that I was drinking at 3 in the morning, and ultimately see if she would try the impersonation as well.

This girl would absolutely hate my website, that is the only thing for sure, that I know about her today…….

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

I grew up loving Predator, mostly because I grew up loving Arnold movies.  Most of the R rated movies, which my mother reluctantly allowed me to watch, were Arnold movies.

When watching Conan the Barbarian, there was this scene I remember very well.

The scene is when Conan is resting in his cage, during his years of being forced to train.  He was given this naked woman, which he was allowed to have his way with……..

What was Conan’s way, do you dare ask?

  • Was he a passionate lover with a soft, gentle touch?
  • Or was he a raging barbarian madman, when he instinctively grabbed a hold her, and dry humped his way towards eventual intercourse?

We were never shown a clear answer, because once it is shown that he has this female companion, the scene changes, and it is left up to the viewer’s imagination.

Regardless…..I tend to believe, that its safe to assume that Conan the barbarian let everyone in the general vicinity of him, know of his barbaric ways……

Whenever this scene would happen when I was a child, I would say:

“This is great!!!!”

“Mom….Look!!!!!”

“He is going to get to wrestle that pretty girl!!!!!!”

“He is so lucky!!!”

I think my mom found humor in my naive, innocent outlook on situations in movies like this, which were intended to give you the idea:

That the people in the general vicinity of Conan’s cage, would soon indeed be hearing Conan’s over the top sex roar, which he most likely expressed upon orgasm.

Moving on.

I was suppossed to be talking about my main grip with the predators…….I need to move in the general direction of this objective.

I guess my main gripe with the predators, is that they don’t look like they are an extremely smart species.

Yes they look scary as shit

Yes they look much stronger and more agile than us

Yes we are definitely PREY, in association towards them

BUT NO GOD DAMMIT, they do not look like the type of species that is capable of understanding the concept of the Pythagorean theorem.

Take a look at this guy:

Does that fucking thing look like it understands the concept of E=MC2?   I don’t think that I could even realistically explain to you what Einstein was talking about with E=MC2, without some extreme bull-shitting coming from my blabbering mouth……  BUT, you are supposed to believe that this thing can…….. Because this species is excellent at interstellar travel.  Which means that they are much more advanced in science then we are.

That thing would be too busy at kicking ass in its own wild habitat, and enjoying awesome fresh food, that it would never want to slow down, to think about science related shit.  They are like great white sharks, that are on land, and have arms and legs instead of fins, and chase humans around effortlessly……….basically we would be fucked.

The great whites of the ocean are quite bad-ass in their water habitat, in terms of being a predator, but I do not see their brains ever reaching the level to be capable of understanding the concepts of gravity.

Besides, leaning about science is much more productive on land, as opposed to sea.  Lighting a Bunsen burner in 7th grade science class for a great white shark is a very difficult task.  This is why the dropout rate for great whites in school is so high.   Most great white students are quoted as saying:

“Fuck it, I can’t light this fucking Bunsen burner thing underwater…… I am just going to do a shark dive straight out of the water, and catch a seal in the process, before I land back in the ocean.  And I can do that for the rest of my life, WITHOUT passing science class……”

The great white dropouts do have a good point…….And when the dropouts come home, to tell their parents that they have indeed dropped out, the parents think back to when they dropped out as well when they were younger, so the great white parents do not have much to go on, in regards to trying to change their child’s decision.

The Predators would have this same mentality, they would give up on learning science, since it is such a waste of time, when they could be better spending their time, doing equally bad-ass things as diving out of the ocean, in order to catch and eat their prey.

I do think that is is safe to say though, that the closest noise that I can find, to what I think Conan’s Sex roar sounds like, is coincidentally the Predator’s roar.

PUSH PLAY

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

“Mean Mr. Michaels”

Posted: July 7, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

I have come to take an interest in other people’s business.  For example, I was outside in my backyard, and I heard a car park across the street from my house.  I could hear the doors of the car opening and being slammed shut, and I could also hear talking.  I then took the liberty to spy over my fence to see what these people were doing in such close proximity to my property.  It ended up just being my neighbors kids, parking their car and entering their home.  BUT had it actually been some schmucks that were up to no good, I would have had first hand knowledge towards the juvenile delinquent activity which was about to occur.  I caught myself in this overcautious spy mode, in the suburban neighborhood in which I live as I was looking over the fence.  I questioned why I even cared to look.

I envisioned who I was destined to become, if I continue with this unnecessary interest in neighboring people’s everyday business.

I flashed forward to 40 years into the future.  I am still living in the same house, looking out the window.  I am looking at the damn kids that are causing ruckus, outside of my property…….. and I don’t like it one bit.

Very rarely will I go outside, and vocally express my distaste towards these little fuckers who have NO RESPECT for their elders, or their elder’s property.  Most of the time, I just look out at them and say nothing.  I know that this is they way I would act towards them, because it is exactly how I act today.  I bite my fucking lip half the time I have something that I could say when I am displeased.  The other half of the time, I do not come up with the right thing to say until I have been very far removed from the conversation, in which I wish I could go back in time to re-converse.

In actuality, I know today (in the present), that these kids who bother the shit out of me (40 years from now),  are pretty normal kids.  They are just a product of their time, which I, as a 70 year old man, have no way of relating to.  So fuck them, I obviously don’t understand them, so it’s only due to common sense that I don’t like them.

The kids that I despise so much would look upon my house, and see “Mean Mr. Michaels” looking right back at them, with a VERY effective death stare.  They would have learned over many years of growing up as my neighbor, to NOT to fuck with anything in regards to my property.

  • DO NOT park your vehicles on my grass.
  • DO NOT litter any of your shit on my property
  • DO NOT ask me if I want to receive the newspaper from you, its over priced, and I don’t read it.
  • DO NOT  fuck with my well being in any way, so just stay the fuck away from me.  There is little that we could actually talk about anyways……

I expressed my concerns towards a friend, regarding this vision towards the future and my existence as becoming “Mean Mr. Michaels”.  I decided right then and there, that now was a time to change in order to prevent such a possible and probable future from happening.

So I decided that I am going to stop giving a shit about what is going on outside my property.  Until I randomly catch some kid fucking with my shit, I am just going to let it all go.   I am very good at this anyways.  I let shit go on a regular basis, and I believe I have become very good at it over the years.

I will not become “Mean Mr. Michaels”.   I will be cool as shit, to all who look upon me.  Timeless and cool as shit, even in his 70’s.  The kids will want to hear what I have to say, because it will not just be the ramblings of an old man.  I will have good things to talk about, and if I don’t, I will just give them candy, and maybe show them some cool card tricks.  It’s pretty easy to entertain kids, so they will all like me.  Just don’t fuck with my lawn……

This is what Andrew Michaels is Doing Now………..

Watch Verne’s hands, the younger blond son……..

The Office

Posted: July 3, 2010 in Uncategorized

So its official, next season is the last season for Steve Carrel on “The Office”.  The show has been on for 6 seasons, and their have been discussions on whether the show should continue or not, after Carrel’s 7th season headlining the show.

Should the show continue without him?

I kind of feel that the show has run its course, but I remember reading some fan’s thoughts on some internet forum, that how it would be cool if the show came back for an eighth and final season with Ricky Gervais taking over the office after Michael’s departure.  I was discussing this with some friends at the fire last night that we had in the backyard.

I went on to talk about how I think that it would be a bold move since the type of humor would change compared to what the comedy was, for the first 7 seasons with Steve Carrel.  Its mood could be totally different, and it could be very sad to see these characters for the last time together.

So I finished my five minute thought-provoking speech on how “The Office” could possibly do one more season after Steve Carrel leaves, by bringing in Ricky Gervais, all while changing the entire style of comedy.

One of my friend’s responds after I finish talking:

“I swear to god I see the shape of an alligator in the wood that is burning in the fire, I wish I could take a picture of it……..”

So I think that I have come to the decision that “The Office” should end when Steve Carrel leaves after next season…….

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

I think that many of us are guilty of watching the movie “Hostel”.  I must say that I was quite excited to see this movie when I first read about it on the internet, but I was a different person 5 years ago.  Anyways, the movie came up in a conversation the other day, and it made me think of a few things that I thought were worth mentioning.

First I need to explain a few things that I have read, regarding the inspiration of the concept of this disturbing movie.

Supposedly, the director Eli Roth, got inspiration for the movie, based on a website that he either once saw for himself, or that he was told about.  Regardless of whether he saw the website or not, the premise of the website is what gave him the premise for his movie.

So the website essentially said that if you had 10,000 dollars, you could sign up on this website and go to Thailand.  You would be able to enter a room somewhere, and a person would be sitting in the room blindfolded, and you would be allowed to take a gun and shot him in the head.  The facilitators of this extremely fucked up business would tell you that a portion of the money that you spend will go directly to the family of the person you just killed, and that they willingly volunteered to be killed, in order for their family to receive the money.

Now, I can only hope that such a website never existed, but I do understand how fucked this world that we live in can actually be.  We get to live a very simple peaceful existence in our country, because we live in a country that is run by an extremely strong government and military.  I am very grateful for this.  I also understand that life is very “cheap” in other parts of the world, and the idea or murder, rape, and torture are probably much easier to fathom as a way of life.

I was recently talking to a friend, and she stated that she would never want to travel to Eastern Europe, because she was tramautized from watching the movie “Hostel”.  It was at this point, 5 years after the movie Hostel came out, that I realized how effective Eli Roth actually was with scaring the shit out of people.

Over 30 years ago another movie did a similar job of making you think about what you should or shouldn’t be doing.  Steven Speilberg made the movie “Jaws”, and he did the same thing that Eli Roth did.  He made many people afraid to go into something that is otherwise an enjoyable, and in a high percentage of the time, a safe place to be: the ocean.

I think many people still to this day, are at least slightly concerned with the idea that a shark will attack them while they are swimming in the ocean.  Maybe it is just a nagging voice in the back of their heads, but it is still a voice that is heard.  I can only imagine that when “Jaws” came out in the 70’s, that the voice was not a nagging voice in the back of everyone’s head, it was THE ONLY voice inside many peoples head when they were either: contemplating whether they should go swimming, or when they actually did go swimming.

I am not saying that I like the movie “Hostel”, in fact in this day and age, I find it entirely too fucked up of a concept to find any enjoyment in.   I don’t like the idea of someone finding ANY pleasure at all in the torture or pain of someone else.  There are many movies which I consider disturbing.  I always found “The Exorcist” disturbing, or any movie that has to do with evil entities, demons, or the devil.

Funny enough, I find movies when a human is being evil, to be much more disturbing, then any movie about a higher being such as a demon which is evil.  There is something that just bothers the shit out of me in regards to a human treating another human, inhumanly.

If I crashed on the island in “LOST”, I would have been less useful to the survivors than Hurley in terms of taking on “the others”, with any type of aggression or force.  I would just keep saying that everyone should just chill the fuck out……… but I do think I would have been an awesome fucking candidate.  I doubt that my name would get crossed off the list, I have hopes that Jacob would protect me and my mindset, since it would be good for the island……..Ben would have been my number 2, or better yet Hurley would have been my number 2, and Ben would have been my number 3.  My Island would have also had the humidity turned down, so I would not sweat upon having a conversation with you.

Back to Hostel…….What I do like about the movie, is how Eli Roth took an idea which he heard about (which happened in Thailand, not Europe), and he adapted the story to take place in a part of the world where young people like to travel to.

Many twenty-somethings travel over to that part of the world, and have the times and memories of their lives.  I feel that he understood this, and he thought that it would be a great idea to fuck with the heads of all the people who wanted to travel to that part of the world.

In the case of my friend, Eli Roth has succeeded in what he set out to do.  She will never travel to Eastern Europe.  That is effective movie making to say the least.  I just read today that they are preparing for a part three, for the Hostel movies.  It will be direct to video, it will not be directed by Eli Roth, and it will take place in Vegas.

If you have not been to Vegas yet, get over there before you see part 3.  Or better yet, give up on the notion of ever even watching fucked up shit ever again.

Don’t click on that link on a website that has a video or picture of something that will scar your mind.

And if you are bold, try doing what I have successfully done for the past 5 years……..Don’t watch the news on television AT ALL, seeing as it is all bad shit that that is being reported.  As important as news can be, I look at it this way:

  • If something REALLY important happens on the news, someone will call me probably within 5 minutes…….otherwise its just a waste of my good mood, to hear about all the depressing shit on the news.

I feel much better since I stopped watching all the reports on:

  • which teenager got shot to death
  • or who died in a car accident
  • or how our state and cities are dead fucking broke
  • Or how China owns our country since they bought a large amount of our mutli-TRILLION dollar debt
  • or how foreclosures are at all time highs
  • or how jobs are not available for people who are unemployed
  • or how unhealthy we are
  • or how much it costs to send a kid to college
  • or how our schools are cutting funding, positions,and sports
  • or how fucked up the oil spill is (which I only know because a friend loves to watch the news, he is my polar opposite)
  • or how fucked up the middle east is
  • or how many of our soldiers have died in the middle east

Seriously, stop watching the news, stop reading the paper FOR ONE WEEK, and see how you feel……  Watch things that make you happy, read things that make you happy.  Stop reading my blog if it you think its shitty.  Do what you want.  If something in the news has a direct affect on your well being, someone else will let you know anyways.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…..