Archive for the ‘ALL ABOUT ME’ Category

For the past few years, my dental assistant always asks me whether or not I floss.  I always understand this to be a politically correct way for the dental assistant to tell me that she knows I that I do not floss……….and that I am a lazy fuck.  Funny enough; the other day while my open mouth was being violated by her, she didn’t even ask.  I fear that she may have given up on me, and she has lost all hope in me.

The reason I do not floss requires a two-excuse response.  The excuse you receive is 100 percent dependent on whether you are asking why I do not floss when I brush my teeth before I go to work in the morning……..OR, why I do not floss when I brush my teeth before I go to bed at night………..

I will first explain why I do not floss in the morning.

In the morning, I take advantage of every minute before I arrive at work.  I like to sleep in the morning……..A LOT.  I never want to get out of bed.

If someone came up to me and said:

“Dude……..wake the fuck up……..each and everyday………..whenever the fuck you want.  The work day will never start until 20 minutes after you arrive at work, regardless of how long you take to get there.  It will always be 8:00 A.M. upon your arrival.  Take a shower if you want, or don’t…..if you think that your longer hair looks presentable (regardless of just waking up).  Eat a breakfast; or don’t, if you just feel like having an iced coffee.  Buy that iced coffee at Starbucks; sit down on the most comfortable couch they have, for as long as you want while you play on your generation 3 prototype IPAD.”

I most definitely would be pretty pumped about this idea.

I would have no way of describing the powers that this person must posses in order to grant me such a luxury.

The dude would have to be at least on par with Jacob from LOST.

Fuck……even if the Man in Black offered me that pimp life, I most likely would side with him.

Back to my work situation (which explains why I do not floss in the morning)

I work at a place that takes me two minutes to get to in the morning.  It’s probably about 2 miles away at most.

I am 30, and this is my ninth year into my professional career.  Please don’t think that this means that I care AT ALL about arriving early to work, or me showing up to work occasionally rocking some semi bed head.

My hair is longer now……..its easier to have my long hair be presentable while being kind of messy, than it was a couple months ago when I had short hair. It used to require a shower each and every morning, in order to deal with my shorter hair…….which would stick the fuck up in every imaginable way possible.

In the present; I do not have to shower every morning, so I really enjoy taking advantage my time before work by sleeping.

I am supposed to be at work at 8:00 at the latest.  I have no responsibilities until 8:20……..so I usually try my best to arrive at work at 8:00 A.M. at THE EARLIEST.

Most other workers arrive at work around 7:30, or 7:45 at the latest.

On a typical workday…..

At 7:30:

  • I am still sleeping.

At 7:45:

  • I am usually around the second level of my snooze process to awake on five minute intervals. If I am laying in bed awake at this time, I decide it is an acceptable time for me to get up.

The other day I woke up at 8:07……..(my alarm went off at 7:35, I thought I pushed snooze………….)

I was mistaken……

I was at work at exactly 8:13………

I had 7 minutes to spare, before my responsibilities began.  I feel that my appearance would receive a grade of a C+.

Remember…….a C is considered average, so I am grading myself only slightly better than average.

I am ok with this.

I woke up randomly…… and very luckily, at a time which was still very feasible to succeed in arriving to my work before my responsibilities began.  Grading my appearance at a C+ is stellar…….especially considering that I was at work, ready to go……..only 6 minutes after I was in bed fully asleep.

(Most likely delta waves were taking place in my brain, my dream was extremely vivid previous to waking up)

Maybe those around me at work would grade me lower than I perceive my grade.  I truly could be considered a scrub by some people now that I think about it.  That would be pretty bad if all this time I have been a scrub in denial of how blatantly apparent my scrubiness is.

I remember one time it was in the early evening, and I was on the couch.  My girlfriend wanted to get into her comfy pajamas, so she asked me if I was already wearing mine.  My response was:

“NO…… I am still wearing the clothes that I slept in the night before, which just so happened to be the same clothing that I wore to work the day before, which is also the clothing that I wore to work today.”

Sometimes I work in different buildings depending on the day.  I; for one reason or another, always felt that it is more acceptable to wear the same clothing multiple days in a row to work, as long as I am in such a scenario.

Less people at work to witness my blatant laziness allows me blossom in life spiritually.  Seeing as I don’t need to find anything different to wear, it can allow for more sleep in the morning. I would say this happens maybe once every month and a half.  So…..yes, I know I can definitely be a scrub from time to time.  I have kept up with my laundry these days though.

Anyways………

So, I never have time in the morning to floss nor could I be bothered.  I would rather floss before I go to bed, and be allowed to use that possible morning flossing time for sleeping instead.

I will now explain why I do not floss before I go to bed.

I have every intention of flossing when I brush my teeth before I go to bed, but honestly….. I really don’t feel like dealing with that shit at this point of the evening.

I am ussually tired when I brush my teeth; and I just want to be done with my well-conditioned nightly maintenance behavior, so I can be comfortable in bed.

I also really like to sleep; so I would rather go to bed to get the most of my time with sleep, instead of spending some of that potential time with flossing.

Tonight I had an epiphany…….

I had some food stuck in my teeth after dinner.  I believe it was chicken from the soup I ate.  I went in the bathroom and grabbed one of those  Dentek floss things to get the food out between two of my molars……..

I then found myself sitting down, watching tv, while I was subconsciously doing the thing that I never seem to have time to do.  I was flossing……

So fucking what if it wasn’t during a time that I brush my teeth?  The benefits can be reaped regardless.

I told my girlfriend that a few nights a week, I plan on flossing while we watch TV.

So…….. After 30 years of life;I have finally have figured out how to incorporate something into my life, that should have always been always incorporated. Until right now, I have been unable to figure out how to accomplish such a feat.

It makes so much sense.  Just use one of these fucking things after each dinner and I will be money.

I will reinstate the hope back into my dental assistant…….

Next dental visit; she will be uncontrollably smirking with glee all while her smile is perfectly hidden underneath that dental mask she wears.  I will know of this smile because I will be able see the sparkle in her eye that uncontrollably occurs along with the uncontrollable smirk she hides.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

I go into the dental office, sit down, open my mouth as wide as I can, and shut my fucking eyes as hard as I can……the entire time.

I only open them if I am told to wash out my mouth.

Maybe the dude with Jacob-like powers could just set me up with some kind of deal where I don’t need to ever go to the dentist ever again as well.

I most definitely would be pretty pumped about this idea as well…….

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……….

I just realized that I might not be as good of a person that I thought I was.  Before I explain what I just did, I must also point out that this is the second Friday night in a row in which I find myself on the couch writing for my blog.

Before you pass judgment and assume that I am getting to a point in my life where I seem to rather stay in on Friday nights, I must say that you need to hear that I am not choosing to sit on the couch and write on Friday nights, it just coincidentally happened that way the past two weeks.

Yes, last Friday night I did indeed do nothing on the couch……..but write about ancient aliens.  This Friday night is different.  Yes, its is like last Friday in every same way except I do indeed have plans.  I am waiting on the couch for my good friend Vin, who is coming over at midnight, he always works second shift at a news station in Massachusetts.

Vin has been a great friend since Kindergarten.  That makes it close to 25 years of friendship in our 30 year old lives.  He has a wife and a daughter now.  Sometimes we get together on a Friday/ Saturday night after he gets out of work.  His wife and daughter will be asleep, so it is a time in which he can come over around midnight and hang out for a couple hours before he heads home.  He still has to wake up at an early time, so we don’t come close to getting wasted.

This was the first time we were to get together in a few weeks, so I decided that I should buy us some beer that I know we will both enjoy. Going to buy this beer leads to the situation I was in which made me originally say  “I just realized that I might not be as good of a person that I thought I was”.

But, before I can explain that situation, I need to talk about which beer I automatically choose and the two different factors which brought me to this decision.

First off, the beer……….. I would buy a four pack of guinness.

Reason 1:

It’s only four beers, so we can have two pints of good dark beer that we both enjoy, we will both be slightly tired so we won’t need much beer.

Reason 2:

The first time that I embraced how wonderful a guinness can be, was when I was given one by Vin who recommended me having one.

Now………………….. you now understand every single thing that came together in order for me to be in a liquor store at 9:00 on a Friday night.

I walked into the small liquor store down the street from my house.

There is only one guy working.  I instantly judge with no control over what I naturally think of him:

“Looks a little thin.  Probably late thirties, early forties.  This fucking guy looks like he drinks quite a bit.  He has that face which makes me feel that the reason he works in a liquor store……….is because he likes to drink.”

I barely make eye contact with this man, who I so quickly judged.  I asked if he had any guinness.  He said “yes”, and walked behind the counter.  I look at the glass door as he opens it,  and then at my prize as he removes it.  He hands it to me, my eyes still on my alcohol.  He mentions a price, and I barely look up at him as I hand him the 20 dollar bill.  He hands me my change, now I fumble to put it in my wallet with one hand which my eyes have now focused on.

I say to him “Thank you very much man, take it easy…….” as I am turning away from him, as I am finishing fumbling with all the bills that need to go in my wallet, as my eyes have never left my wallet.  I never looked up to the guy once.

I then realized, that I never really even acknowledged this guy as being an actual person.  He was initially judged by me upon the first second of me seeing him.  He was nothing more than a worker who I guess that I can instantly create an origin story for.

I didn’t even have the decency to look up at him as I thanked him.  I felt that I caught myself naturally acting as if I was above him.

I realize my ignorance in this situation……….

I need to make amends.

I should go back to that liquor store right now………..

When I see him, I will not judge him this time regarding whether or not he likes to drink………….

I will not make up origin stories explaining how he came about working at this small liquor store…….

I will treat this man as an actual person this time, instead treating him as just a worker who doesn’t deserve my attention………

I will leave right now……….Oh, fuck…….. it is 10:30…………………. The liquor store closed at 10:00.

I will not find him there…….he’s probably well on his way to getting shitfaced in some unknown location as we speak…….

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing on another Friday night……….

I must admit that I really do enjoy watching the television show “Ancient Aliens”.

Think about this question:

“Did God come from Earth?”

The obvious answer is universally accepted as “No, God is not from Earth”.  This would mean that God comes from somwhere other than Earth; and would be considered an alien, based on our definition of the word:

“A creature from outer space”

So lets say that the thing in which we call God, was actually a visitor from somewhere else in the universe (or outside of the universe?).  This individual would be a really extraordinary living being.   It would be capable of traveling incomprehensible distances through space.  It would look extremely superior to the people thousands of years ago who chose to write down a story in which they had an experience with what they can only assume is their “God” or a “Creator”.

These stories could be what make up the Old Testament, or any other ancient text involving any form of a God.  All those stories could actually be the best interpretation of visits from aliens. These visits led to knowledge being passed down, showing us how we should live.

I feel that God does indeed exist, except I have no way of being able to describe something in which I have never personally experienced or met myself.  I cannot let anyone’s interpretation of what God is fill my mind, I leave it open for personal interpretation if I ever get the chance to meet this superior being.

I believe that whatever God is and if it is still around, it is most likely not too happy with the overall state of mankind.  We are doing a lot of the things that were told we are not to do.  We are human, we are imperfect.  We are supposed to live in an imperfect world in order to see how we choose to live our lives in that imperfect world.

I guess I have become less religious in the way I once was.  I was not the church going type, but for a large portion of my life I based many decisions on the idea that one day I was to be judged by God upon my death.

I haven’t really worried about being judged anymore.  I try my best to be good to those around me.  I hope to have a more positive impact on this planet than a negative impact.  Every now and then I will be a negative impacting individual, but I always feel that my positive impacts will hopefully out weigh my negatives.  On top of this, I always feel bad if I am a negative impacting individual.  This is how I rationalize that I will get into the afterlife or heaven if it exists, without being religious in the way most religious people seem to think that it is required to enter such a place.

Even if I was actually visited by God and I was told that there is no afterlife, I feel I would still live the way I live now.  I feel that we are part of something much larger and incomprehensible in scale.  We cannot just be here by chance. Something had to allow for the conditions; which allowed us to be here, to even be conditional in the first place.  So something allowed us to live; because of the conditions which were allowed to naturally be present in the universe.

We are definitely here for a reason.  We just might not ever be able to comprehend why we are here, or the reason might make us feel a hell of a lot less significant in the grand picture.  Either way I would want to know, even if it meant me realizing that we are far from important in the realm of things.  I only hope that one day I will experience something that explains this to me.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing on a Friday night………..

Give it a chance……

Posted: January 8, 2011 in ALL ABOUT ME

I am still debating whether I want to discuss in detail the act of shitting one’s pants as an adult, actually it is not debatable whether or not if I will write about it, but just when I will get around to expressing everything that needs to be addressed on the subject of such a monumental event…..  For now, just listen to this song (which has absolutley nothing to do with shit,  pants, or how the two could be associated with each other in any conceivable way.)

 

PUSH PLAY

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now………

I guess I have a few things to talk about.

First topic to talk about…….. last night I was in munchies heaven.

This consisted of three different types of food which was consumed in large quantities as I sat on my couch at 12:30 A.M. on Christmas eve.

First, I had a bunch of these golf ball shaped peanut buttery centered and chocolate coating desert thingies that a friend from work made for me.  These things are great, and it is the second year I have been blessed with these in my life.  Last year she was my secret Santa and one of the gifts she gave me was this very delicacy.  I decided last year to try an experiemnt which worked out wonderfully.  I cut them up and made a marshmallow fluff sandwich which was so good that I decided to take a picture of it.  Unfortunately, I cannot find this picture I took.  Also, I ate all of them this year during my munchies session last night before I had the chance to make another fluff sandwich.  It was my intentions to have another fluff sandwich this year, but sometimes you do not prioritize your food for future use while you are in the middle of a munchies binge.

My friend is a reader of this blog and occasionally comments here, so maybe she miraculously kept that picture and she can add it under the comment section for me………just don’t hold your breath in anticipation that she kept it.

Second, I had ice cream cake.  Anyone who does not like ice cream cake is obviously a total bitch or a ridiculous asshole.  Vanilla ice cream, chocolate ice cream, chocolate fucking crunchies, and of course frosting.  I usually only eat ice cream cake during someone’s birthday……..except for two different situations that I can think of.  I am eating it this time because it is leftover cake from my girlfriend’s birthday party.  It is easily safe to say that I have eaten a substantial amount more of this cake than my girlfriend has eaten.  It just sits in the freezer, and I am the type of guy who is seriously afraid of that cake getting freezer burn.

The other occasion I can recall eating ice cream cake not during someone’s birthday took place when I was a junior in high school.  I was 16 years old and my mother went away for a few days.  She gave me 30 dollars for food for the weekend.  My job was to go to the supermarket and buy some stuff to make sandwiches and such for the next few days.  I bought a 28 dollar ice cream cake instead.  Plus……….I had two dollars left over.

Third, I had some freshly baked cookies that my neighbor cooked for me.  I was out at a bar last evening from around 7 to 11.  When I got home I stopped by my neighbor’s house to give them some music for a music system I set up in their house.  It was my time and behaviors that took place while I hung out with them, which ultimately caused my munchies binge session last night on my couch when I got home.  I will tell you this much, ice cream cake and fresh baked cookies go phenomenally well with each other.

Second topic to talk about, fucking Christmas.

The other day my girlfriend said to me “You really don’t get into the whole Christmas spirit…..”  She is right, these last few years I admit to just that.  Here’s my fucking problem, the music is fucking killing me.  Christmas music starts way too early these days.  The first time I heard Christmas music on the radio this year was on November 2nd………..November fucking 2nd.

Christmas music should start TWO weeks before Christmas, NOT THREE weeks before Thanksgiving.  I hate it…………99 percent of it.  All the Christmas songs that I used to like to hear have all been distastefully re-categorized as music I don’t give a fuck about ever hearing ever again.  I just got an enema, and any enjoyment I had for any of that music has been permanently flushed out with my large quantities of shit in the tube that is required to be shoved up my ass.  Actually I have never had an enema, but I have done multiple cleanses, I recommend it even if solely for the entertainment value that goes along with seeing how much shit can actually come out of your body after having no solid food for a few weeks.

I understand why these radio stations do what they do.  Our country is in the fucking gutter and Christmas is a good feeling, it makes us think about good shit, not bad shit.  It only makes sense that hearing Christmas music should make you feel a little better if your life is not going as you hoped it would due to the fucked up economy our leaders have caused and allowed us to live in.  I say fuck the leaders, and fuck the Christmas music.  One of the best things about the day after Christmas ……..for me anyways, is that I won’t have to keep changing the fucking radio to find some non holiday music.

Third topic to talk about, a unique question for you to consider.

Let’s say you were given the opportunity to live for another 150 years, and you would be as youthful as you are today.  Obviously just about anyone would take this opportunnity but there is a catch.  Up until this point in your life today, there is a detailed book with pictures that tells the story of your life.  Who you are, why you are who you are, how you are who you are, where you are who you are……..so on and so fourth.  This obviously would be a large book since it details your whole life.  You would then have all of your memories wiped clean and you would go into a purgatory state for as long as it took for you to read the book that details everything about you.  Upon finishing that book, you come out of purgatory and start your 150 year adventure in the world.  You will be 100 percent dis-attached from the person who you once were.  All memories you now have of who you were are remembered in the third person.  You will have no attachments to all of those people in your life today who help define you for who you are.

New memories can be formed from this day forward.

How many of you could essentially pack up and leave forever?  You would essentially be killing yourself and who you are in order to live for another 150 years of youth.  Imagine if the first person you meet was a total douchebag, he would be the closest thing you have to a friend, seeing as you have never talked to anyone before since your memory was wiped clean.  You could very well become a douchebag for the next 150 years.  Think about it………..would you go on the 150 year adventure of youth?  That is a serious consequence…..but it only makes sense that it would take such a serious sacrifice in order to have such an extraordinary opportunity as having all the benefits of being a vampire without any of their weaknesses.  You would be even more bad-ass than “Blade”…….even that day-walker still needed blood or serum to survive, and you wouldn’t.  Plus Blade is in jail right now for tax evasion.  He would beat you in a sword fight though, if he was released from prison during your state of temporary immortality.  You can’t have the upper hand in everything……..

Merry Christmas everyone, I have been waiting two months for this day to come and go.  Now I can finally just enjoy the day with friends and family and put it all the music behind me.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now………

Ever happen to you?

Posted: December 15, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

So…….I have been playing video games my whole fucking life.  I am 30 years old.  We people in our 30’s live in a very unique generation because of video games.  I cannot for the life of me see my father when he was 30 years old playing ANYTHING remotely close to a video game.  Even if my dad grew up in a time when there were the video games that we have today.

But then again, I guess if he grew up at a young age with video games as a form of entertainment, then he would be just fucking like me.

He played “kick the can”………….KICK THE FUCKING CAN.  At the respective age as when my father was playing kick the can, I was most likely playing the original Nintendo.  Anytime I died in any game, I would blame someone in the room for the cause of my accidental death.  If someone was talking; and I died in the game, then I would  yell at that person.  I would let them know that becuase they were talking, it lead to my untimely death in the video game.

I guess I got so pissed off when I died, because there would always be at least three people in the room.  This meant if I died, I had to give the controller to the next person who was waiting to play.  We always shared in my household.  I fucking hated sharing, but nonetheless followed the rules.  The only way I could release my frustrations with having to take turns playing video games, was yelling at someone when I died.

Have you ever played through an entire video game over the course of a few weeks while you were drunk around 90 percent of the time that you played it?  I have……….I remember being drunk most of the time when I played Halo 2.  I don’t remember too much about the plot of that game.  I do remember being entertained by most of the levels at the time; but upon completing each level, I did not store any of it in my long term memory storage facility.  I also remember being consciously aware of my drunkenness during my sessions of playing through it. Don’t judge, but I was 24 and drinking large quantities of hard liquor every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday.  Summers were worse.  I guess I was just bored.

I bet I could play Halo 2 all over again and feel like its a game that I never played before.

Imagine reading an entire book only during times of inebriation…….. Seriously, you should consider doing this, and I am not even fucking around.

Find a book that seems decent.  Read one page any time you are intoxicated.  Bookmark it.  Read the next page the next time you are drunk.  Never reread a previous page.  Over the course of a few years or decades you will complete this book.   Then read through it like a regular book when you are not drunk.  This might be the ultimate experiment.  Any takers? No?  OK, I am going to do it then……might take me a while though.  I don’t drink as much these days.  But maybe if I win the lottery I would take up drinking again.  This would result in a faster completed experiment.

 

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

P.S.    Glee seems to be all the rage these days.  I bet that my site will get more traffic now that I mentioned it.  I will never watch Glee. But if it gets me traffic I will take it.  Are there any shirtless or naked pictures of Glee male cast members?  I know that makes me sound gay (I am not), but it will bring even more traffic to my site, and I will take that as well.

Dear Rite Aid:

Posted: December 2, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

Right from the start I knew I was in for trouble……….

I was in the process of taking the lid off, and I noticed that it was sticking harder than normal.  This could only mean one thing………………Freezer burn.

It’s been quite some time since the last time that I have enjoyed me some Phish Food.  I must say that after last night’s act of gluttony, I am left so unsatisfied.  Throughout my life, phish food has been there for me in my times of me feeling like shit, and the desire to temporarily feel better due to the wonderful combination of ingredients, to then once again feeling like shit, since I easily consume the entire pint and all 1800 calories that make up the ingredients that I so desire.

My ritual is always the same.  First I pull of the lid with ease, and I use my spoon to scrap off the first bite from the bottom of the lid, where creamy goodness awaits me as it has stuck to the lid.  Rite Aid, you fucked with my ritual right from the start.  The lid did not come off easily and there was no ice cream on the lid at all.  Instead, all the ice cream remained together in the cup since it was crystallized and freezer burnt.  I powered through the freezer burnt top layer in hopes to find the center more creamy and familiar to the reason why I bought it in the first place.  Although better, it definitely was not worth me going out in my pajamas to buy at 8 o’clock at night.  Yeah I put my pajamas on early when I don’t have shit going on, who the fuck doesn’t?  By the time I realized that my experience was not going to be what I hoped for, I choose to continue eating this sub-par version of an otherwise Ben and Jerry’s classic with rage.  I chewed hard and breathed hard through my nose in distress.  I told my girlfriend how much it sucked…….as I continued to eat it.

In the end I didn’t finish my pint, AND I ALWAYS FINISH MY FUCKING PINT.  Anyone who puts half of their pint away for seconds is an asshole.  Maybe I am just jealous of people who can save half for later, since I have no control of my appetite.  Or maybe I just think these people are assholes since it is disrespectful to not finish what you start eating.  Either way Rite Aid, I like these assholes who choose to save half of their Ben and Jerry’s pint, much more than I like you right now.

From now on in times of glutinous behavior, it will be the supermarket that gets my business, since they obviously know how to climate control their freezers.  I never thought that I could have a bad experience during my annihilation of a pint of Ben And Jerry’s Phish Food.  You ruined my fucking night Rite Aid.

Fuck you,

Andy

This is What Andrew Michaels is Doing Now…..