Bachelor party shenanigans, rants, and conspiracy theories…..

Holy shit man, I have a lot of shit to talk about in regards to bachelor parties, in which the man of the hour gets fucking beat to shit by the strippers…..

First off, this WILL NOT be anything like my eventual bachelor party.  I will not get fucking beat to shit, by a nice smelling female stranger, as my friends watch in extreme laughter…….that is SO fucking far from my cup of tea.

This morning, I awoke to an extensive amount of one dollar bills in my wallet, and yes, all of the bills are facing the same direction, president facing the same direction as well.

So the two dancers that came to the bachelor party, came with a madam of some sorts.  This was the woman who owned the dancers business, and her job was to put the show together, and collect all of the money that is scattered on that dirty, dirty fucking floor.  The dancers DID NOT bring any blanket or tarp to put on this dirty, dirty fucking floor and had no problem being in contact with it……….

But that’s perfectly fine with me, because the integrity, and cleanliness of these two girls never once crossed my mind during their show, even though they did have a way, to sure as hell not smell like the dirty type of girl, that would have no problem rolling around on that dirty, dirty fucking floor.  These dancers must all agree with each other, that loads and fucking loads of nice smelling body lotions, are a female dancer’s best fucking friend.

It’s funny what I caught myself doing in front of this madam, and the eventual conversation which I had with her, as my friend was getting his bare ass beat raw, with a belt, that was taken off an unsuspecting male patron at the party……in fact, I believe these dancers had about 4 belts all held together as they were performing this insane ass whipping.

I went up to the madam because she stated that she had plenty of one dollar bills.  I gave her a twenty dollar bill.  She handed me 20 one dollars bills, but they were all over the place, in the way that they were stacked on top of each other.  Some bills on top were facing each other, then the next three were upside down, the next one was right side up…..but backwards,  the next one was facing the “proper way”, the one after that “proper one” was upside down……so on and so fourth, for the full 20 one dollar bills stack.

My OCD kicked in fucking hard, because as my friend was getting his ass handed to him with multiple belts, I am standing there with the madam, fixing and rearranging all of the one dollar bills so they are all facing the same direction.  I looked up and said to the madam “Look at how pathetic I am, these dancers are beating the shit out of my friend, and here I am making sure, that all of the fucking one dollar bills that I am about to throw on top of them, are having all of the presidents facing the same direction, facing up……..”

The madam laughs as she looks at me and says “You must be the guy, who at his house, has all lines on his carpet, from being freshly vacuumed……. all the time.”  In the background, the dancers whack the shit out of his ass again, the crowd goes vibrantly wild as usual in reaction to this.

I am looking at the madam and I think to myself:

“Bitch….. I don’t have any fucking carpets in my house, and I certainly wouldn’t have any freshly vaccumed carpets with freshly laid lines in my house.  I, for one reason or another, have always felt more comfortable, when my money is all facing the same direction, all while the presidents are all facing the same direction………….EVEN IF, I am about to just drop all of this money on the dancers to ensure this ass whipping is to continue at full force”

In reality I look at the madam and I say:

“Nah dude, I don’t like to clean…..”

I walk away from her and proceed to make it rain…….. 10 whole fucking Washington’s, all on the dancers, I then go up to one of the dancers and say “I want you to beat the fucking shit out of this guy.”  It should be noted that this was not the bachelor, but the bachelor’s good friend, who for one reason or another, was ok with getting really beat up, in front of a large group of people, by two dancers with belts, which were stolen off of unsuspecting male patrons of the party.

The dancers know what the fuck they are doing, in regards to the ass whippings which they give, and I think there is a very primal, instinctive reason, why it  works the way it does.  You see, one dancer lays the male down and unbuttons his pants……….and to any male who is the type that is into dancers, is liking where this is going at this point.

Then the dancer turns the male over, and tries her best to pull down his boxers in order to expose his bare ass, in order to receive an ass whipping of epic proportions.  Once the first hit is made with the belt, the beating has only just begun, but the fight is all over, for the male to be able to function in any rational and normal way.  The reason why this is, is because instead of fighting and struggling with the dancer to keep his boxers at least partially on, he is now holding his bare ass in extreme numbing pain.

This makes it much easier for the dancers to grab his boxers and tear them off him.  As soon as he lets go of his numbing ass check, in order to start back up with the struggle of keeping his underwear at least partially on, the dancer will hit the male again, extremely hard with the belt, in fact harder than the last time.  Once again the crowd goes rampantly wild.

Eventually the male is in so much pain, that he gives up with the boxers struggle, and just allows the dancers to rip his underwear off, since he is just too damn tired, and in too much god damn pain, to give two shits about his boxers.

Moving on……….I picked up on a conspiracy theory that I felt was going on during the event, and only someone like myself would come up with such a random thought, during a bachelor party, while the main entertainment was taking place.

I had been buying vodka and red bulls the whole time we were at the bar, so I figured I have already spent 30 dollars at the bar.  One of our friends, (actually the one who got his boxer shorts ripped off) had a bottle of Captain Jack spiced rum in his trunk.  That’s right, NOT Captain Morgan………NOT Jack Daniels……..but “CAPTAIN JACK – SPICED RUM”.  This tells you the quality right there, with such a blatantly corny rip off name.

REGARDLESS, it was spiced rum, and we all decided that we should all make a strong Captain Jack and coke drink, to either go along with the drinks that we had, or to be the sole drink of some of the individuals (But not me, I prefer to double fist, during events of debauchery……)

We all bought a soda of our choice at the bar, along with a cup full of ice.  I believe that the soda cups are orange colored, and alcoholic drinks are in yellow cups, at least that’s what I saw with my drinks and my buddies.  This only makes sense for the owner, so at any given time when he looks around, he can tell who supposedly is not drinking alcohol, and who is drinking an alcoholic beverage.

We took theses non alcoholic beverage orange colored cups out to the parking lot and proceeded to make strong Captain Jack and coke drinks for all four of us.  As we are hanging out at the car, a dude approaches us and says,  “I can’t be having you guys doing that here” (obviously this is the owner, but before this moment, everyone in our group just assumed he was just a patron of the party…)

I look to him and say “I am sorry man, I will dump it out if you want…….”  He looks at me and says “Don’t dump it out, but don’t do it anymore please”. We all agree to this and he walks away…………eventually we head back into the party too.

So the four of us walked in, and he saw all of us with non-alcoholic cups, filled to the brim with extremely strong Captain Jack and cokes.  We all decide to stand in the background, as we are waiting for the event to begin, and I let the group know that I need to leave them, to take a leak.

I come back, and they all say that the owner was giving all of them dirty, bad fucking looks.  (Like he was extremely pissed off that we were in his bar, with drinks we obviously didn’t pay his business to have)

I look to my friends and say “You guys are fucking idiots, and overreacting for sure”………..The dancers come out and start to do their thing.  We decide to all take a seat to watch the dancers do their thing.  One  dancer comes over to one of my buddies and does her thing, so he puts his orange non alcoholic colored cup (which is filled to the brim with a strong Captain Jack and coke) under his seat.  The dancer is continuing to do her thing, and she knocks over his drink under his seat, while she is doing her thing.

The dancer then goes to one of my other buddy’s seat, and starts to do her thing yet again, and while she is busy doing her thing, he thinks to himself, that its best to put his non alcohol colored cup (which is also filled to the brim with a strong Captain Jack and coke), on the ground, so the dancer can freely do her thing, and the drink will be out of the way.  As this dancer is doing her thing, she knocks over his non alcohol colored cup as well, spilling it all over the ground.

This was the second drink out of the 4 illegally made drinks, that ended up not being drunk in a compounds of a business, that did not sell us the Captain Jack and cokes (not that I expected this bar to have  Captain Jack in stock).

It was at this point I realized that we were in the middle of a conspiracy theory.

The groups or parties of this conspiracy were as follows:

I feel that the owner of the business, and the dancers who frequently work at the business, were working against us (who were not paying the owner of the business, for our Captain Jack and cokes, that we were drinking).  I felt 100 percent sure that the owner told the dancers, to knock over ANY cups that were non alcoholic colored (orange).

Worst case scenario, it is just soda in it, and the male patron wouldn’t be bummed out by the spill, because he could easily just go to the bar and buy another soda for a dollar and change………BUT BEST CASE SCENARIO, it is a Captain Jack and coke drink, in the non alcohol colored cup, and the male patron will have to go to the bar and buy a new mixed drink (from the business this time, instead of from the trunk of my friend’s car).

Luckily I noticed this conspiracy theory as soon as the second non alcoholic cup was knocked over.  I told the dancer that “I was on to her……”  I don’t know how she interpreted that comment, seeing as this conspiracy theory was more than likely just a figment of my imagination.  But maybe I really was on to her…….and she was blown away by my Sherlock like detective work……..(On a side note, have you seen that fucking movie yet?  Sherlock Holmes is the FUCKING SHIT…..rent or buy that movie immediately.  Robert Downy Jr.  is SO fucking on, in that movie…….)

I must admit that I am not the type of guy who personally gets all involved into the whole dancer thing at a bachelor party.  I am the type of friend who has no problem giving money to the cause while it is happening for my friends, but I really don’t give a shit about one of these dancers doing anything for me.

So, after making it rain Washington’s……multiple times for my friends, a dancer came over to me.  She gave me a purple nurple, because my friend told her to do so.  I looked at her and said

“Listen, I am really not into you giving me a nipple rip, how about…… you don’t pull that shit again?”, she giggled and proceeded to sit on my lap, so I said to her:

“I have some keys in one pocket, and my cell phone in my other pocket (which has some sharp edges), so be careful, its probably going to be pretty fucking uncomfortable sitting on me”  She laughs again, and I say:

“And listen honey, don’t even think for a fucking second, that you are going to whip the shit out of me with that belt, I am WAY too chill, to find anything remotely entertaining, in that degrading and painful activity……”

She proceeded to laugh, and asked me if I was a pothead………

Later I got up and was walking towards a friend and the other fucking dancer, whipped my back leg………I looked at her and said:

“You just didn’t fucking do that…..”

How the fuck is a dancer supposed to react towards such an anal retentive response, after she whips someone?  That’s right, the dude who was giving the strippers the most money out of practically everyone, did not want any part in getting hit with that fucking belt, and I let her know it.  I must say that I have become quite assertive in my life with female dancers, and I must think that it is all in part because of me growing up, into a mature adult.

I tell the dancers, how it is these days………….I truly communicate with them, and let them know what I am definitely “not kosher with”.

Because of this recently acquired assertiveness, which I have obtained in regards towards female dancers, she choose not whip me again, as I walked away with my non alcoholic cup (orange), which was half filled with Captain Jack and coke, because I MADE SURE, that they didn’t have a mother fucking chance to knock over my cup, and to continue on with and succeed in their master plan to knock over all of the illegally made Captain Jack and Cokes………

Score:

Andrew Michaels…….ONE       — –        Dancers/Business owner….. ZERO

…….your move mother fuckers, but just remember…..I am a fucking winner.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

Trying to come up with a scientific explanation for astrological signs people are born with and the effects they have on their indivdual personalities

So I was talking with a friend the other day and she was telling me about how she believes in astrological zodiac signs.  My girlfriend also throughout the years has claimed that her behavior and personality can be attributed to her being a Sagittarius.

I have never been a believer in the idea that depending on when two people have sex and an embryo is formed, it will have major influencing factors on the type of person and personality that the future person will one day exhibit.  I have always been a believer that the future person’s personality is derived from within the genetics that he or she receives from his or her parents, and the behaviors this future person witnesses on a regular basis from the people who take care of that growing human being, whether that be the biological parents or not. Basically, I have been a firm believer that douchebags usually are formed from at least one douchebag parent.

But I am willing to take a step back and try to scientifically explain my theory on how astrological signs could be true in the profiles of individuals.  But the only way to scientifically explain this is to take a slight leap into science fiction since what I am going to express is not possible to prove or disprove scientifically at this point.

Gravity has an effect on ALL things in our universe.  It is speculated in quantum physics that there are such particles called “Gravitons” which exist on some level in the universe, but not necessarily in our dimension.  These gravitons are the particles that make up all the gravitational forces, and it is speculated that as soon as they are created to have an effect on an object, they enter another dimension, where their effects can still be felt in our dimension, but their particles cannot be seen, since they are no longer “here”…..wherever the hell “here” and “there” actually is.

On a side note if your ego is ever getting the best of you, and you are way too much into yourself and very little else, you should try watching an episode or two of the exquisite show called, “The Universe” on the history channel.  This is the show that  teaches me about such things as gravitons.  “The Universe” will very effectively make you realize how unimportant and trivial you are, in terms of things happening around you.  Shows like this make me think on a regular basis of how ridiculous many people are, with their worries and concerns about the most trivial and pointless things in our society.  We are all  EXTREMELY LUCKY just to be here for a ride which we call life, and at least in our society and way of life, we have the opportunity to have a pretty good fucking ride.  I feel that many people in our country fail to realize this.

I for one am very happy that I live in a country where obesity, diabetes, and heart attacks are at record  high levels.  These are not things that we should be concerned and worried about, these are things that we should be proud of and embracing.  It shows us that we REALLY get to live and enjoy life.  I look at it as living in a country, where I have the opportunity over the course of my life if I so choose , to eat enough shit, drink enough shit, and smoke enough shit to one day have the great opportunity to:

• Die fat
• Die from Cirrhosis of the liver
• Die young from a heart attack
• Or develop diabetes and possibly lose a limb, go blind, or shave around 17 years off of my intended life

And I truly do consider to be able to die in such a way in our country, a GREAT OPPORTUNITY.  Go take a vacation in Zimbabwe, I guarantee that if there is a study on the prevalence of heart attack related death, obesity related death, liver failure related death, and diabetic related death in their country……..they would “on paper” look to be much healthier than our country.

Unfortunatley the average life expectancy in their country is 43.5 years.  They deal with starvation, extreme HIV, and cholera on a daily basis.  I don’t even know what the fuck cholera is, but I DO know that I do not need to worry about it……..  But at least they are skinny, don’t have to worry about heart attacks, or to make sure that their blood sugar levels are not too high, and if someone has high blood sugar from some unforeseen way of ingesting too many sugars in a region that has major famine, only then would someone in Zimbabwe have to worry about taking a shot of insulin to balance the high levels of blood sugar, which would be nearly impossible to do, since drugs are impossible to obtain in the 1 remaining major hospital in their country, because hyperinflation has caused the purchase of drugs nearly impossible.  That was the longest sentence I have ever written on my blog, I am sure that it is punctually flawed…..

Back to my science fiction approach to explaining astrological signs, and their relationship to the personalities people exhibit, based on their birth date.  What if gravitons can have an effect on your growing mind while you are inside the womb of your mother?  Based on how the planets are lined up, the stars are lined up, and the galaxies are lined up at the time of your conception, it could have a very unique gravitational pull on your growing cells as you are developing your brain.  Can this gravitational pull have an effect on the state of your developing mind, inside of your developing brain, inside the womb?

I understand that I am taking a rather large leap in proposing that a physical force could have a effect on a permanent mental state which is developed over the course of a persons lifetime.  But what other scientific approach is there, in terms of you being who you are, based on the theory that it all relates to the alignment of the stars at the time of your conception and birth?  I don’t know if my case holds up at all, but I am trying to explain something that I don’t really believe in myself.   Maybe people are taking too many leaps in believing that when you are born during the year, has ANYTHING to do with who you are, based on the 30 day window you have to fall into a particular zodiac sign.

I still personally just think, that some people suck because they are douchebags.  And all douchebags seem to suck.  This correlation makes much more sense to me.  But there are a lot of things that are unexplainable, like astrological profiling that is correct on describing someone, or the occasional two douchebag parents who have a non-douchebag kid…….

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……

My Theory: Why we have not been formally greeted by EXTRA TERRESTRIALS.

So I was watching Planet Earth, and it really got me thinking.

From outer space you can observe the largest living organism on Earth, The  Great Barrier Reef.

If Extra-Terrestrials were to come to our planet to observe, learn, and better themselves in some way…….they definitely would not be observing humans.  They most definitely would be observing, learning, and bettering themselves by studying coral reef.

Coral Reef have so much more to offer to the extra-terrestrials, compared to what humans could ever hope to possibly offer.

Extra-Terrestrials would look at humans and say:

• You are THE ONLY species on this planet, which is causing harm, and unnecessary death to other species on your planet.
• You are self-destructive as a species, as well as destructive.  You murder, rape, destroy, and torture your very own species, never mind what you do to other species.
• You create weapons to kill your own species, and test the very same weapons in the very same location where a species (which promotes life) inhabits.

• Sure, you are self aware and a very slightly intelligent species……. but your technological advances are only a mere small step above the technological capabilities of your non-language, cave man ancestors .  You cannot teleport, time travel, or travel faster than the speed of light.  You have only traveled as far as your moon, in actively-occupied space travel.  Your genetic code has yet to be perfected through perfect genetic engineering and beneficial manipulation.  It is highly probable that you will destroy yourself, before you have the opportunity to learn all of these technological advances, which we have, and use on a regular basis.  We traveled here all the way from the other side of the Galaxy in 25 minutes…….   We are kind of a big deal in terms of interstellar travel and technological capabilities.  Our technology is already extremely advanced.  We have not traveled this great distance for technological reasons at all.
• You overpopulate on your planet to the point of ruining the balance, which your planet has established naturally, to sustain a level of harmony among all its living species.

Extra-Terrestrials would look at the Coral Reef and say:

• You are a  species on this planet, which is allowing MANY OTHER SPECIES on your planet to fill and flourish with life.
• You are not self-destructive or even destructive as a species, in fact are the exact opposite, you promote and help life flourish on your planet.
• You do not overpopulate, in fact you allow for many other species to have the ability to populate your planet.  (Those species also sustain a natural harmony among each other ) We can observe,learn, and study you, and how you allow life to flourish wherever you are located on your planet.

A place on earth without coral reef, which allows for life, but not to flourish:

A place on earth with coral reef, which allows for life to flourish:

A place on Earth without humans, which is filled with life:

A place on Earth with humans, which is drained of all life, except for humans:

My theory is:

If Extra-Terrestrials have and are visiting our planet, I am certainly sure that they:

• Would much rather spend their time studying aspects of our planet, such as corral reef, which promote and allows for life.
• Rather than humans, which harm and take away life from our planet.

Why would Extra-Terrestrials even consider wasting their time, to introduce themselves to our species, after all the harm we have done to ourselves and our planet?

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow………

The Stephen Hawking conspiracy theory

Are you the type of person who just goes with the shit that is presented to you? OR, are you the type of person who questions everything that is presented to you?  I fall into both categories, as do most of us.  I wish I had the ability to question more things that are presented to me, but I admit that I am a little too gullible most of the time.  I feel like the only time I am really creative with my writing is when I am questioning something,  that for one reason or another, is universally accepted.

Last night I got to thinking, while I was trying to accept what I was seeing.  Then I realized that what I was thinking is worthy of today’s blog.  I must say that as long as I keep thinking, it should not be too hard to find something on a daily basis to complain about, make fun of, or question.

What if Stephen Hawking is a fraud or just an act?

Why has no one else questioned this?  I do not doubt the achievements the man has made in the world of theoretical science.  What I do doubt, is the possibility that he may not be intelligent at all in the present,  even though he still gives interviews which make him seem very intelligent.

Every single interview that he gives today or in recent years is completely pre-recorded ahead of time.  Meaning, the weeks or days before an interview, his speaking machine is programed to say a specific statement.  He does not sit there at the interview and type away at his speaking machine for a few minutes to say 30 seconds of information regarding black holes, relativity, or something else my mind is really too inferior to grasp. Although that may make for some good tv.

What the hell would actually happen during this live interview, if the statement was incorrect in one way or another?  Would Stephen start flipping out in the middle of the interview, with defiance to the words which he was being represented incorrectly with?  Can Stephen Hawking flip the fuck out? Once again, this would make for good tv.

Even though my mind is too inferior to really grasp what he is explaining, it is superior enough to question the possibility that:

(PUSH PLAY, I RECORDED MY MAIN THEORY)

I will keep in the back of my mind for the rest of my life that Stephen Hawking is possibly one of the many hoaxes of the world we live in.  I do not expect you to believe this information that I have provided you, but I really hope you at least agree to the possibility that I am correct.  Until I see an interview where he types away on the machine with full video evidence that he is the ultimate cause for the words to come out of that machine, I am going to stick to my doubtful theory.