Archive for January, 2010

Letter in a Bottle

Posted: January 29, 2010 in Steve's posts

I have asked a few friends to be a part of my blog, and Steve is the first one to respond with something to post on my blog.  Steve and I have known each other since elementary school and NOBODY calls him Steve.  I am calling him Steve, instead of his common name only because I call myself Andrew Michaels on this blog, but NOBODY calls me by that name in real life.  Also, he is not to be confused with my friend Andrew, whose first name is actually Steve, even though I have only ever called him by his last name.  Steve lives in California and has been working in writing in one way or another for a long time now.  He has a short film that I recently watched and really enjoyed.  I plan on posting the short film some time next week on the blog.   I hope that this  becomes a regular weekly random posting from Steve.  Only time will tell. I hope that you enjoy this short story!

This short story is entitled……..

LETTER IN A BOTTLE

I saw a woman at the roller rink that looked exactly like a porn actress in a porno I own. And even though I knew she could not have been the porn actress, based on the fact that the porno was made in 1987 and the actual actress would have aged 20 some years, I was still compelled to make her aware of the uncanny resemblance.

I told her, and to my surprise she replied with, “But this is 1987”. And as I looked around in slow motion, a wave of embarrassment washed over my spiky mullet. She was right.

I couldn’t help but be reminded of the time that I bought a DeLorean and purposely got a ticket for going 88mph, just to tell the judge that if I was truly going 88 mph that I would be in 1955. His reply, “But you are in 1955”.
I can’t explain time travel to you because I don’t know when you are reading this or when I am writing this but just know that I love you and in time we will be together.


1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Fuck Screech, he is not worth my time so I have decided to leave this list blank. Also he is not worth saying anything to, if I ever bump into him.  He probably thrives off of people recognizing him and giving him attention.  The only good thing he ever did was have a small part in the movie “Made”.  If you have not seen the movie “Made”, do yourself a favor and watch it the next time you want to watch a movie, but of course only after you have watched Star Trek first.  Vince Vaughn was of course playing Vince Vaughn, but this was before he played Vince Vaughn in his following 10 movie appearances after he starred in  “Made”.

One of the scenes in the movie took place at the “Tavern on the Green” in New York City, which recently went out of business.  I must say that I am very happy that it went under.  I was once coaxed into going there back in the early 2000’s.  The people that I was with, I guess liked to go to nice overpriced places. I on the other hand was pissed off the entire time I was there, due to the idiotic prices people were willing to pay in order to be seen or say that they ate at the “Tavern on the Green”…….I cannot believe how much of my weekly salary at that time, went towards a medicore dining experience.

One person we were at the restaurant with, bought an Iceburg lettuce salad as a starter.  It cost 13 fucking dollars and it was just  10 pieces of iceburg lettuce taken off of the lettuce head and placed on top of each other on the plate, BUT I must say that they were kind enough to give a little cup of salad dressing on the side.  They had the balls to not even slice up the lettuce for their overpaying customers.  I am officially stating that I am happy that we live in a world without Tavern on the Green.

I guess I have spent a lot of time doing things throughout my life, without a clue to why I was doing them.  I bought my house because it seemed like the convenient thing to do at the time, instead of moving, even though the mortgage at the time was 75% of my take home pay.

When I was in fourth grade, my slicked back haircut was a really big deal to me.  My mother had to help me style it with gel and hairspray every morning.  One morning she was sick and could barely get out of bed.  She told me that she could not help me with my hair, because she was very sick (physically of course)……. Unfortunate for her, I was much more sick (mentally of course)…….. because I cried up a fucking storm until she got her sick ass out of bed to do my mutherfucking hair……real gangster shit I pulled on her right there……I still feel bad about this 20 years after the fact.   On a side note, we never moved out of Warwick, because I cried up another storm until my mother said that “we wouldn’t move”….. I still feel EXTREMELY BAD about this 20 years after the fact…….

I was in the 6th grade chorus, I have no idea why I did this.  When I was seven years old I woke up in the middle of the night and puked all of the ho-ho’s and ding-dong’s onto my chest that I had eaten before I fell asleep.  I willingly choose to just fall back asleep instead of dealing with it.

These are just some of the reasons why I can honestly and safely say that I  have been an idiot for the majority of my life.  I have been making strides in the right direction though.

On a side note, do me a favor and try eating 4 fiber-one bars in one day and tell me how you feel the next day.  Please comment your results so I can compare them to my own.  They were on sale at a grocery store near my house for 98 cents a box.  Chocolate and Oats man………chocolate and fucking oats…….good shit.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, talking about the five things that I wouldn’t say to Schreech, hoping that you take my advice and watch “Made”, talking about a small percentage of the dumb things I have chosen to willingly do in life, and hoping that you will take the fiber one challenge……

One of the world’s biggest hoaxes is global warming.  At least in the sense of people saying how we are killing our planet.  We are not killing our planet, in fact short of placing a black hole at our planet’s core like they did in Star Trek, there is nothing that we can do that will have any real effect on the planet which we call our own.  If you have not seen the new star trek movie, do yourself a favor and watch it the next time you want to watch a movie.  I have NEVER been a fan of anything related to Star Trek, but I must tell you that I would consider it to be one of the best movies I have seen in 2009.

Back to global warming……  Even if we launched every single nuclear missile that is ready to launch, our planet in the long run will be ok……what will not be ok is the human race.

Even if we actually raise the temperatures high enough to melt the ice caps, all that will happen is that the water levels will rise, which will cool the air to the point where the planet will cool down and then probably enter another ice age.  The polar caps will then refreeze due to the colder climate, and much of the land that we once inhabited as well.  Slowly the planet will warm up again and it will all be back to normal, with one major difference.

The big difference will be that the planet will no longer have to deal with humans since we will either be in significantly smaller numbers or extinct due to lack of food and heat.  The planet constantly goes through cycles like this over time, and at the worst case scenario, we are just speeding up the process a little bit………A LITTLE BIT.

People might say that global warming is bad because species are going extinct due to our lifestyles that we live……..I say fuck you Jobu!  Any animal or creature that is not capable of adapting to changes in its habitat will eventually be wiped out based on Darwinism anyways.  Only the strong survive.  Besides, these animals or creatures will only survive until the next meteor hits our planet, which will wipe out 99.9 % of the species on the planet anyways.  So, they are going to die at some point anyways, as are we.

The only loss that the human race will feel if we cause animals to go extinct is if one of those animals or creatures could have been studied and in some way and they could have benefited mankind through medication, antibodies, or genetic engineering.  Food chains may get messed up due to this, but once again, it will not hurt the earth.

Some people might say that we are using too many fossil fuels and that we are killing our planet and its atmosphere.  I once again say fuck you Jobu!  65 million years ago a meteor smaller than half of the size of Rhode Island hit our planet.  The meteor broke through the crust of the earth and burnt up the same fossil fuels that we use for energy.  The only difference was that the meteor burnt up a significantly larger amount of fossil fuels at a significantly smaller amount of time.  The end result was thousands, if not hundreds of thousands of years of earth being covered in a layer of smoke from fossil fuel after burn.  Obviously we do not burn that much fossil fuels, since our sky is still blue in the present.  And after all was said and done, with this accelerated use of fossil fuels, our planet ended up just fine……. it was the dinosaurs that did not fare so well.

On a side note, the dinosaurs caused global warming as well.  The amount of methane gas that they released through digestion was enough to raise the temperature of the planet.  This did not kill the Earth.

We do not need to save our planet.  Our planet has dealt with far worse than the microscopic effect humans have had on it.  If our planet was able to laugh at the attempts which have been made to hurt it, I believe earth would truly be geeking out uncontrollably at our attempts.  What we need to do is save ourselves. Global warming will eventually get to the point where it will make the planet very difficult to be inhabited by humans due to pollution in the air, or much less land due to raised ocean levels.  The planet will respond to our bad behaviors by making it difficult for us to survive.  Then we will be put to the test of Darwinism.  I believe that if we as a species can survive through what the Earth does to us in response to our global warming, it will be at the first time that we have truly excelled as a species since the first time a human being created cheese.

The only reason I think that we should not be using oil is because it is expensive, and lots of money leaves our country for its purchase.  Setting up more natural energy such as water power, windmills, solar energy will in the long run be good for us.  It will produce more jobs for creating and maintaining these structures.  Even nuclear energy is a much better option than oil.  People will say that nuclear energy is harmful for the environment.  I say fuck you Jobu!   All cars could be electric powered and recharged, by all those nuclear reactors we could be using.  This way the only pollution would come from the power plants, instead of the power plants and our vehicles.  Submarines and aircraft carries have successfully been using nuclear reactors directly for energy for years……. (I do have to thank Randy for talking to me about nuclear power plants a few summers ago )

I think Al Gore has some ulterior motives with his whole  “Inconvenient Truth”…….Politicians always seem to have other things going on in their heads other than what they say.  Anyone who believes that we have any chance of hurting Earth over the long haul of its life, is not looking at all of the facts,  but instead just looking at the facts that can be used for political, social, or monetary gains…….

This is WhatAndrewMichalesisdoingnow…….. showing my perspective on what is really happening on this planet due to our lifestyles, and expressing my firm beliefs that the worst case scenario to come out of global warming is the extinction of human beings, not the extinction of our planet……Is very bad to steal Jobu’s rum. Is very bad.

Saving money

Posted: January 25, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME

I save money, but I think that I could save more.  There are many reasons why I can think of, which may be to blame for this.  First off it seems that everyone I know decided to get married, I have gone to around 30 weddings in the past 5 years.  At least 30 bachelor parties in the past 5 years is also accurate.  Going on the occasional trip for a vacation is also a reason.  Student loans could be a viable excuse, but I only pay the minimum payment and plan on continuing that way.  Owning a house could also be a reason.  The price of oil could be an excuse.  Bars between the ages of 21 through 26 are definitely a reason (good looking guys do not get their drinks bought for them as often as good looking girls….).   Buying things that I do not need for my house could also be to blame.  And then I can always blame the economy, even though I don’t know how I could back that answer up with any data to prove anything. BUT ultimately I blame those  Mayan people.

I plan on  saving much more money once I personally find out if the world is going to end on December 12, 2012.  At least if the world ends that day, I will know that I spent lots of the money I have earned, on things for myself or for things for people in my life who I enjoyed during my time here.  Maybe everyone else who decided to save every cent will find more comfort in death, knowing that they did not bounce a check for the past ten years.  I will find comfort in death knowing that I DID bounce checks (although not in the past couple years)…….and in the end it did not matter one bit, especially if all of society ceases to exist on December 12, 2012.

On a side note, I was never worried about the Y2K fiasco and I believe that anyone who actually did worry about it was a fucking idiot (And they probably still are idiots today since most often than not, idiots grow up into older idiots).  People actually thought that automobiles with computer chips in them (most modern vehicles have these) were going to cease the ability to work because the computer chip inside the car would register a date of 1/1/00, instead of 1/1/2000.  Even if the automobiles became self aware and saw that their computer chips were registering an incorrect date, do you truly believe that automobiles around the world would unite and all decide that it is best that they no longer be functional based on this incorrect date?  Besides, if our automobiles were self aware of themselves, I think that a long time before the year 2000, they would have decided that it would be better for their species as a whole, to not be just a form of transportation for another species.  This would be the only way that all automobiles would cease to work for humans, not some stupid number/date mix up.

But when it comes to these fucking Mayans…….I just don’t know what to ultimately think.  I do find comfort in the fact that they were too stupid to believe that by mass amounts of beheadings and human sacrifices, they ultimately caused the moon, sun, and the earth to line up in such a way, that they caused a solar eclipse.  The more that I think about it, the more comfort I feel in the world not ending on December 12, 2012.  BUT this has absolutely no bearing at all on my decision to not start saving more money……at least not until December 13th, 2012.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, hoping that we all make it over this 2012 hump.

One of the worst feelings is when you can’t find your wallet.  Anyone who cares about you would be there for you to try to help out in finding it.  They ask questions to try to help in the situation, but many times these questions have already been thought of by yourself in your head so you may answer them quickly, and kind of in an asshole fashion.  Usually I just answer yes and no, but the following responses may be some thoughts running through my head for Bad-AndrewMichaels to answer with.

“When was the last time you knew you had it?”

  • Right before I realized I lost it……

“Did you have it with you this morning?”

  • Yes, otherwise you would have been asking me this question in the morning……..

“Is it in you jacket pockets?” or “How about your pant pockets from the pants you wore yesterday?”

  • No, it is not in one of the two places that I would keep it on me, but thanks for thinking of one of the two most obvious places that it could possibly be……I would not have thought to look there otherwise…..

“Is it in your car?”

  • No, it is not in my car, I already checked, twice……  It’s not under the seat either, I looked, even though it would be extremely hard for my wallet to to fall down and do a backwards spin to land in such a spot……

I know that people are trying to help when they ask such questions, but anyone who has not already asked these questions to themselves, deserves to lose their wallet.

When you lose your wallet, you are more than likely to see how dirty it is under the cushions of your couch, even though you are checking a place that you have not sat on since the last time you had your wallet.  You may find a quarter or two, but you will also find a skittle, a wrapper, and most peculiarly, some fine dirt that has a sand like quality because it has been filtered slowly through your cushions.

One of the tough executive decisions that comes with losing your wallet, is deciding at what point you should truly consider canceling your credit cards.  There are many things to consider and I have made some graph diagrams explaining the thought process of all the different possibilities and outcomes.

  • The first graph is the most obvious one. This states that over time, the longer you do not have your wallet, the more inconvenient it becomes due to not being able to use your credit cards, having your license, or having the cash on you that was in it, never mind the lingering fear that it could have possibly been stolen:

  • The next graph shows the inconvenience level of calling up all of your credit card companies and waiting on hold to cancel all of them.  After you have canceled all your cards and are off the phone, you will get some degree of inconvenience taken away since you do not have to worry about your credit cards being used by someone else fraudulently.  But the inconvenience of not having your wallet still prevents you from feeling too much better.

  • This next graph shows the inconvenience level of calling up all your credit card companies and waiting on hold to cancel all of them.  You get a temporary feeling of relief,  BUT then you find your misplaced wallet. Now you can no longer use your credit cards, so you now have raised your inconvenience level back up until they arrive in the mail probably 5 to 7 business days later.  This is the main reason people like myself wait until the last possible minute to cancel their credit cards.

  • Now on to the next graph. It shows how your inconvenience level will not progressively go up if you choose not to cancel your credit cards, gambling on the fact that you know that you have only misplaced your wallet somewhere safe.    Having this feeling of safety allows temporary vacations from the fear that your wallet is truly stolen.  The more time that passes ultimately causes a level up on the inconvenience factor followed by another vacation plateau status until the next raise in inconvenience.

  • Finally you can now scientifically see when is the perfect time to realize that you should really consider calling up all your credit card companies and cancel your all your cards. I have taken all the guess work out for you and by just using this graph you will know exactly when to take action. The circled  area shows when it is the precise time that you should take action and get on the phone with the credit card companies.  I hope that this information helps everyone who reads it. It is the least I can do with such a gifted mind.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow……..I am going skiing this weekend, I have not gone skiing in over 4-5 years. Maybe in a future blog I can scientifically breakdown for you the reason I have chose to take such a long vacation from skiing.  Enjoy the weekend, recommend my blog to someone else! And I know that one of the graphs is a little off compared to the others based on the information that I previously stated……I figured that

1. no one would notice  ………and……

2. If you happen to notice you might mention it to me ………so…….

3. I am mentioning it first that I was too lazy to make it right, because more than likely you wouldn’t notice it anyways, and probably still don’t, also don’t bother trying to figure it out because it is not worth your time.

There was a time in my life that I wanted to make a video each summer, with the main point being me chasing after one thing or another and trying to catch something on tape.  I was going to chase after things such as Bigfoot, the New Jersey Devil, the Chupacabra…….but NEVER in a million years did I ever consider chasing after the Mothman.

If there is one creature that I know not to fuck with, it is the Mothman.  This is some advice I hope that you take as well.  The main reason I would not even consider fucking with the Mothman is because I witnessed how far the Mothman will go to fuck with people for NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL….. such as Richard Gere and Laura Linney.

I was watching Monsterquest the other night, about this creature coined the “Swamp Beast”, or “Swamp Ape”.  The parts of the Monsterquest, which entertains me the most, have nothing to do with the monsters that are being chased.  I feel the best part of the show, is watching and listening to the people who seek after the monster each episode.  Here is a short clip from the show focusing on a doctor and his occasional minion follower………

CLIFF NOTES ON THE VIDEO (I have seen quite a few shows that talk about the things that this guy mentions, so I know what he is talking about….)

Vocalizations:

  • These are the noises of the swamp beast or bigfoot like creatures that witnesses hear.

Knocking:

  • Usually primates hit trees with large sticks to communicate over long distances….it is thought that if bigfoot exists, it might do the same.

Choke Cherries:

  • Behind the guy

Human and Ape Vaginal bacteria:

  • This doctors “perfect cocktail” to lure in and arouse the swamp beast, which shockingly has a “fairly rude odor”.

Idiots:

  • Everyone in this video

My friend Andrew went to college for Microbiology.  He told me that one of his internships or something had him working in the health clinic at our college.  He also went on to tell me that his responsibility was to deal with petri dish cultures of vaginal bacteria and STD swaps or something to that nature.  He said at most times it was god awful, not that I have any idea why.  And not that I am knocking the human female in any way.  I am sure that you can find a bacteria on everyone,  grow it on a petri dish, and it will emit a “fairly rude odor”

What I am knocking is this guy, who is a doctor,  willingly created a hypothetical, and 100% incorrect pheromone using human and ape vaginal bacterias in order to hunt down the swamp beast.

The ONLY reason why he will be unsuccessful in creating the proper pheromones, using vaginal bacteria from humans and apes to lure in the “swamp beast”………….. is the same exact reason that I would be unsuccessful in creating the proper pheromones, using vaginal bacteria from Irish women and midgets to lure in a “leprechaun”……..

Never mind the whole muggle issue we seem to have here with women and midgets.  Although, I have yet to ask a midget if they possess any magical powers, so there may be hope.

This doctor is more than likely very proud of his work, seeing as he has scientifically raised the bar for all the morons who choose not to work, but have the time to hunt down something that doesn’t exist.  BUT I SEE THIS IS A GOOD THING……I guess if all the morons in the world had something to do, such as hunt for mythical creatures, we might just see less idiots in our daily travels.

Unfortunately, every time you go to the DMV or traffic court, you will more than likely bump into a few of these idiots, seeing as they need to somehow recharge their life force, by way of renewing their license or registration, or answering to a judge for their erratic idiotic driving behaviors.

If you really want to lure in the swamp beast by use of pheromones you should just take a swab of the swamp beasts vaginal bacteria and use that, instead of a made up one mixing human and apes vaginal bacteria. Problem solved.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, expressing my fears of the mothman, introducing you to people who chase after the swamp beast, and saying vaginal bacteria way too many times.

When I was in my late teens I was walking around in the mall.  I guy in an army outfit who looked like a nice guy made eye contact with me and came up to me.  He started recruiting me for the Army and asked me the following question:  “What is the best, most exciting thing that you have ever done in your life?”

I have to admit that I was taken back a bit, and I could not think of anything that was worthy of mentioning.  I was basically admitting with my lack of response, that I did not do anything yet in my life that was so awesome that it was worth retelling.  Since that day I have been asked this question again on a few different occasions and each time since the first time I was asked, I usually at least have had an answer when I was asked.

My first year in my profession at around the age of 22, I had a younger person by the name of Bill ask me “AndrewMichaels, what is the best thing that you have ever done in your life?”  I immediately responded, “When I was a junior in college, I took some scissors, and cut a hole in the center of my blanket…..” It probably was not the response he was expecting, and I left it at that, without explaining anymore what the hell it meant…..

I call this blanket “The MEX” because I have been wearing my blanket like a poncho ever since 2000, and seeing as Mexicans like ponchos (I think they do….although I have yet to ask a Mexican if ponchos are still hip…..).  So it was coined The Mex very early on in its creation.  Although this is not THE BEST thing I have ever done in my life, I still do rank it quite high on the list.  10 years after I created “The Mex”, and I am wearing it as I write this blog today.  I have gotten more use out of this blanket than most people do with all the blankets combined, that they ever have during their entire life.  My friend once came over last year while I was wearing it, and asked me if I was wearing a snuggie……

I took extreme offense to this and told him to “fuck off, I invented the god damn snuggie back in 1999, and it is called the Mex…..asshole!”

People on many different occasions have made millions of dollars off of the ideas I was too much of an idiot to promote. Here are two other ideas off the top of my head:

  • I invented Myspace in 1999……in my head.  I was starting to learn how to create websites my sophomore year in college, and I thought it would be awesome if everyone at the college I went to, had their own personal site linked to each other and we could all interact and meet over the internet.  I did not follow through with this idea because I thought that “only dorks would want to meet over the internet…..”
  • In 1993 I invented the text message…….. in my head.  My dad was a cop and he had a beeper.  In order to get a hold of him when he was working, we beeped him our home phone number.  I thought back when I was in 7th grade that it would be awesome if you could push the 2 button once for an A,  twice for a B, and so on.  This way I could send him a message in case it wasn’t an emergency.

The main reason I started talking about all this today and got off track, was regarding Jeopardy.  When contestants know that they are going to be on the show, they have to think about something funny, interesting, or entertaining about themselves, or come up with one of the best, most exciting things that they have ever done, for the “meet the contestants” portion of the show.

My guess is that I could talk up a fucking storm during this “Meet the contestants” portion of the show and that would be my shining moment.  During the actual game, it would a whole different story though.   I may know some of the correct responses, but gibberish would come out of my mouth,  each time I would ring in to say my response.  It would be a HUGE accomplishment if I was allowed to participate in final Jeopardy.  But it wouldn’t matter, because I would be wearing The Mex on national television.

My girlfriend and I have always taped Jeopardy.   When we watch it, in tradition we usually fast forward through the commercials, and also the “meet the contestants” portion of the show.  BUT since I have become a daily blogger, I asked her if she had any problems with us watching this portion, for comedic purposes.  It didn’t take long to realize that a lot of people don’t have much good stuff to talk about.

(On a side note I have a lot more Jeopardy stuff to talk about in the future.)

I wish I had a video of someone the other week, she was talking about how when she was a kid, she woke up and her gerbil was dead.  I thought, “This poor fucking girl”,  BUT it had nothing to do with her losing her gerbil, we all experience death at some point……. I just felt extremely bad for her not experiencing anything in her LIFE at some point.

For one reason or another a lot of weird people are smart enough to be on Jeopardy. OR more likely, a lot of smart people on Jeopardy come off as very weird when they are put into a normal conversation, when their intelligence level does not come into play as the subject of the conversation.

I know that I could be a lot smarter, but at the same time I also know that I could be a lot more socially retarded.  I would not be willing to risk any of my social skills whatsoever in order to improve my intelligence.  Anyone who IS willing to so,  probably already is socially retarded to begin with.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, expressing 1 of the top 5 things I have ever done in my life (which involves a blanket), showing some of my missed attempts to be obscenely rich, and wishing that if I ever get to be on national television that my Mex be right there with me.

On a side note, I still have problems everyday spelling these words correctly (here is how I instinctively spell them): ocassionally, atleast, and ussually…..spell check saves me every fucking time…….