Archive for the ‘Our own twisted movie reviews’ Category

I think that many of us are guilty of watching the movie “Hostel”.  I must say that I was quite excited to see this movie when I first read about it on the internet, but I was a different person 5 years ago.  Anyways, the movie came up in a conversation the other day, and it made me think of a few things that I thought were worth mentioning.

First I need to explain a few things that I have read, regarding the inspiration of the concept of this disturbing movie.

Supposedly, the director Eli Roth, got inspiration for the movie, based on a website that he either once saw for himself, or that he was told about.  Regardless of whether he saw the website or not, the premise of the website is what gave him the premise for his movie.

So the website essentially said that if you had 10,000 dollars, you could sign up on this website and go to Thailand.  You would be able to enter a room somewhere, and a person would be sitting in the room blindfolded, and you would be allowed to take a gun and shot him in the head.  The facilitators of this extremely fucked up business would tell you that a portion of the money that you spend will go directly to the family of the person you just killed, and that they willingly volunteered to be killed, in order for their family to receive the money.

Now, I can only hope that such a website never existed, but I do understand how fucked this world that we live in can actually be.  We get to live a very simple peaceful existence in our country, because we live in a country that is run by an extremely strong government and military.  I am very grateful for this.  I also understand that life is very “cheap” in other parts of the world, and the idea or murder, rape, and torture are probably much easier to fathom as a way of life.

I was recently talking to a friend, and she stated that she would never want to travel to Eastern Europe, because she was tramautized from watching the movie “Hostel”.  It was at this point, 5 years after the movie Hostel came out, that I realized how effective Eli Roth actually was with scaring the shit out of people.

Over 30 years ago another movie did a similar job of making you think about what you should or shouldn’t be doing.  Steven Speilberg made the movie “Jaws”, and he did the same thing that Eli Roth did.  He made many people afraid to go into something that is otherwise an enjoyable, and in a high percentage of the time, a safe place to be: the ocean.

I think many people still to this day, are at least slightly concerned with the idea that a shark will attack them while they are swimming in the ocean.  Maybe it is just a nagging voice in the back of their heads, but it is still a voice that is heard.  I can only imagine that when “Jaws” came out in the 70’s, that the voice was not a nagging voice in the back of everyone’s head, it was THE ONLY voice inside many peoples head when they were either: contemplating whether they should go swimming, or when they actually did go swimming.

I am not saying that I like the movie “Hostel”, in fact in this day and age, I find it entirely too fucked up of a concept to find any enjoyment in.   I don’t like the idea of someone finding ANY pleasure at all in the torture or pain of someone else.  There are many movies which I consider disturbing.  I always found “The Exorcist” disturbing, or any movie that has to do with evil entities, demons, or the devil.

Funny enough, I find movies when a human is being evil, to be much more disturbing, then any movie about a higher being such as a demon which is evil.  There is something that just bothers the shit out of me in regards to a human treating another human, inhumanly.

If I crashed on the island in “LOST”, I would have been less useful to the survivors than Hurley in terms of taking on “the others”, with any type of aggression or force.  I would just keep saying that everyone should just chill the fuck out……… but I do think I would have been an awesome fucking candidate.  I doubt that my name would get crossed off the list, I have hopes that Jacob would protect me and my mindset, since it would be good for the island……..Ben would have been my number 2, or better yet Hurley would have been my number 2, and Ben would have been my number 3.  My Island would have also had the humidity turned down, so I would not sweat upon having a conversation with you.

Back to Hostel…….What I do like about the movie, is how Eli Roth took an idea which he heard about (which happened in Thailand, not Europe), and he adapted the story to take place in a part of the world where young people like to travel to.

Many twenty-somethings travel over to that part of the world, and have the times and memories of their lives.  I feel that he understood this, and he thought that it would be a great idea to fuck with the heads of all the people who wanted to travel to that part of the world.

In the case of my friend, Eli Roth has succeeded in what he set out to do.  She will never travel to Eastern Europe.  That is effective movie making to say the least.  I just read today that they are preparing for a part three, for the Hostel movies.  It will be direct to video, it will not be directed by Eli Roth, and it will take place in Vegas.

If you have not been to Vegas yet, get over there before you see part 3.  Or better yet, give up on the notion of ever even watching fucked up shit ever again.

Don’t click on that link on a website that has a video or picture of something that will scar your mind.

And if you are bold, try doing what I have successfully done for the past 5 years……..Don’t watch the news on television AT ALL, seeing as it is all bad shit that that is being reported.  As important as news can be, I look at it this way:

  • If something REALLY important happens on the news, someone will call me probably within 5 minutes…….otherwise its just a waste of my good mood, to hear about all the depressing shit on the news.

I feel much better since I stopped watching all the reports on:

  • which teenager got shot to death
  • or who died in a car accident
  • or how our state and cities are dead fucking broke
  • Or how China owns our country since they bought a large amount of our mutli-TRILLION dollar debt
  • or how foreclosures are at all time highs
  • or how jobs are not available for people who are unemployed
  • or how unhealthy we are
  • or how much it costs to send a kid to college
  • or how our schools are cutting funding, positions,and sports
  • or how fucked up the oil spill is (which I only know because a friend loves to watch the news, he is my polar opposite)
  • or how fucked up the middle east is
  • or how many of our soldiers have died in the middle east

Seriously, stop watching the news, stop reading the paper FOR ONE WEEK, and see how you feel……  Watch things that make you happy, read things that make you happy.  Stop reading my blog if it you think its shitty.  Do what you want.  If something in the news has a direct affect on your well being, someone else will let you know anyways.

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…..


The first time I saw Boondock Saints, was because of one of my roommates I randomly was assigned to and met in college my sophomore year.  Bill became a very good friend through the years, and I remembered stopping by his house to help him move back to college our Junior year.  The first thing he mentioned to me was a movie in which I NEEDED to see.  It was “Boondock Saints”, the year was 2000, and it was watched many times.  Bill recently contacted me telling me he wanted to review Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day and put it on my blog.  I must say that I started to read this review, but I am holding off for a bit to read it until I witness the sequel for myself so I go into it with a fresh mind.  I hope you enjoy Bill’s review of  Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day. (I have since watched this movie, and my response is at the end of Bill’s review. March 21, 2010)


Background:  The Boondock Saints

It would be unfair to share this review without first explaining the eager anticipation for which I awaited the release of this movie.  Boondock Saints came out in my college years.  It would have been  even HUGER than it was if it had not been for the untimely Columbine shootings that took place upon its completion.  Nobody would touch the movie as it was thought to glorify gun violence, and it was kicked dirctly to DVD.  Simply put the movie was incredible.  My drunken college allies and I jumped aboard the wave of awesomeness that carried the film to its  renown cult classic status.

The film had it all: original soundtrack by writer/ director Troy Duffy’s Band The Brood (later renamed The Boondock Saints), great cinematography, a tangible script, and an emphasis on guns and vigilantism.   The characters were well developed and easy to love; I don’t know anybody who has seen the film that would not give a nut to have a Guinness with the MacManus brothers at Doc McGinty’s Bar….even if they don’t like Guiness or have a nut to spare.

The Boondock Saints is one of those movies that is  not only is in  the DVD collection, but has been watched a hundred times.  I bet it inspired a lot of pea coat sales and fake Irish accents. …I know it influenced my first handgun purchase: a Beretta 92FS.  Here are some clips to set the mood:

The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day

My wife came home with a movie, fresh from the RedBox, and taunted me, “Guess what’s out?”  I squealed like a school girl, running over to the DVD player….I hadn’t known that it had been released!  When the title screen came on I had goose bumps.  I was on the couch with my feet on the coffee table, a newly poured whiskey and coke next to me with beads of condensation dripping down the glass…”Fuckin-A,”  I thought, “life is good.…this moment is 10 years in the making.”


The intro grabbed my attention with a lead in by the ghost of Rocco…the boys have been living a quiet life in Ireland and have grown big ass dirty hippy beards.  After learning of the slaying of their beloved preacher they get all “crazy” and prep for their return to the states in a spliced scene of cleaning their guns and cutting their untamed hair/beards with sheep shears.  Looking as fresh as a bar of Irish Springs soap they are dressed to kill.  FUCKING GAY!!!!

This scene was so Ramboesque…it could not have been more stereotypical if they had finished the scene by tying red sweat bands around their heads.  They are wanted men in America…perhaps they should have kept the hippie thing going and thrown on a couple tie dyed shirts…they would have been unrecognizable.

On a side note, Sean Patrick Flannery looked as though he had Cushing’s Disease or is suffering from a bad sinus infection.  Allergy to bad scripts?

Meet Eunice Bloom:

The FBI detective on the case is a hotshot female.  She gets out of her escort vehicle with a close up camera shot panning up from her red stiletto heels and climbing her tight, black nylon-clad legs.  This really build some anticipation…at least I think that’s what that feeling was.  I almost shit myself when the head shot revealed Julie Benz, the dumb blond that plays Dexter’s romantic counterpart, Rita in Showtime’s DEXTER.  I’ve wanted to punch that chick in the face ever since season 1 of Dexter.  Now, sporting one of the worse forced accents that I have ever heard….let’s say aristocratic old west whore….I wanted to punch her in the face and kick her in the uterus.  Sufficed to say I lost my…er…anticipation.

As her character, I hesitate to say “develop” here because we never learn much about Bloom and her background, “develops” we find she is just as eccentric as FBI Agent Smecker (Willem Dafoe)was in Boondock Saints….headphones and all while piecing together crime scenes.  She begged me to despise her more by sporting a belt buckle holster for her firearm.  Who would ever do that?  Besides being impractical, it leant no credibility to her character as a believable FBI agent….she looked like a comic book character.

Rocco’s Replacement:

The brother’s MacManus hitch a ride to the states on a Cargo ship.  They meet “Romeo”….think a tatooed Tommy Chong from Cheech & Chong….and befriend him.  Romeo is nothing more than a replacement for Rocco.  He is quirky, dumb, impulsive, has long dark hair, and seeks belonging.  Problem is he is not Rocco!  Rocco was great in his role, but he got shot and killed in Boondock Saints.  Leave his character there so we can appreciate him for what and who he was!  I don’t give two shits about the spic pseudo-Rocco.  He has no bearing in the story and  his character has not been developed.  This is the point at which I said  “Really?….is Duffy going to repeat the same movie with shittier characters?”   The answer would be revealed as a disappointing, “yes.”

Concezio Yakavetta:

Here is the son of the badass Italian mob boss….you know….the “I’ll have a Coke!” guy.  Talk about piss poor character selection. …Judd Nelson?  You have a giant pool of out of work actors to choose from, and you pick the Breakfast Club guy?  Let’s get Molly Ringwald in here to play the MacManus’ long lost mother.  Also, I think Emelio Estevez would have played a ruthless assassin. …

Papa Yakavetta was smooth like fine wine.  This guy is Pabst Blue Ribbon on a good day.   He doesn’t look, sound, or act like his supposed father.     Nelson does however look, sound, and act like Rocco from the first movie.  Same fucked up nose too.  Why risk the confusion?

Yakavetta Assasination Scene:

Rope saves the day….again.  If this isn’t beating a dead horse, they even fight over “bringing fuckin’ the rope” before it’s divine need is revealed.  Sound familiar?  Sounds boring.

When the boys visited the gun dealer, they were each gifted a pair of .50 Compensated Dessert Eagle Pistols.  This weapon has a magazine capacity of 7 in the magazine and 1 in the tube, for a total of 8 maximum shots without a reload.  Given that each brother had two guns, they were capable of each sending 16 bullets downrange without a reload.   In this scene they kill many with many well aimed shots (I counted over 50 and erred on the side of caution) without a reload.  Nit picky?  Maybe…but this kind of shit bothers me.  When I watch a movie I want it to be believable….the plausibility adds to the entertainment value.

Return of Agent Smecker:

His accent was COMPLETELY different.  He went from traditional weird ear piercing Willem Dafoe voice in the first movie to the same bastardized old west aristocratic whore accent as his counterpart Agent Bloom in the second movie…..WTF!?

Repetition, repetition, repetition:

*Brothers fuck with Romeo at gunpoint and then bust out in laughter, just like they did with Rocco in the first movie.

*Symbolism Conversation between FBI Agent Smecker and Detective Dolly in Boondock Saints/ sybolism conversation between FBI Agent Bloom and Detective Dolly in All Saints Day

*Agent Smecker and Agent Bloom might as well be the same character.  They both are eccentric, both know it all, and prefer fucking men.

*Botched plans that end up somehow going right dominate the action scenes of both movies

*Same exact gun purchase scene from the underground IRA arms dealer

*Rope saved the day in both movies

*The “Okay Coral” was again referenced during a crime scene investigation.

There are more of these similarities than I can’t count…but I don’t want to.

Saving Grace:

*The back story of Billy Connolley’s character was original and interesting.  I cared more about the flashbacks of his youth than the present day portion of the movie.

*It was cool when Greenly got killed…one of the only unpredictable things in the movie.

*Ending set up for another sequel….maybe Duffy could try to not fuck this one up.

If you are a fan of the Boondock Saints you have no choice but to see the sequel, All Saints Day.  I can only relate it to being starved to death and resorting to drinking your own urine.  Hopefully it sustains you long enough until somebody produces for you a nourishing meal.  Enjoy the anticlimactic self-plagiarized All Saints Day, and pray something better is around the corner.



Bill……………. Kerri and I watched this last night.  I have to disagree with you, I thought that there were no saving graces at all in this film.  I sat in disbelief the entire movie while I watched:

  • the EXTREMELY shitty acting
  • awful new characters (detectives and mob were all extremely bad and VERY unbelievable)
  • with no curiosity from myself to see how the crime scenes became the way they did, unlike the first film
  • the fucking awful music
  • the retarded dream sequences with Rocco AND hockey
  • the terrible drinking scenes which did not look fun at all, unlike the first movie
  • the inexcusably awful “planning sequence” for the drug warehouse
  • the male nudity galore, (and I am the type of guy that some people might think wants this in a movie based on my blog postings with male lost characters being shirtless)
  • very lame brother-fighting

I read that Sean Patrick had plastic surgery right before the filming of this and that his face had still not “calmed down” from it.  Troy Duffy said that he wants to do a directors cut, which has and extra 30 to 40 minutes, and I can only think that it already felt way too long.

I was never entertained during this movie.  I usually do not sit through entire movies that are this bad, but for some reason, I felt compelled to continue watching this awful movie until the end, regardless of what my instincts told me to do.  I can easily say that this is THE WORST movie that I have watched from beginning to end in a LONG TIME.  Usually I just turn off a movie that is this bad.

People usually do not ask me, “What is the worst movie that you have seen lately?”  but before watching this movie, I would have responded to that question with ……. “People usually do not ask me that question, but I am glad you did, It was called Dark Ride”, I saw that movie over three years ago.  It takes a long time to replace my least favorite recent movie viewing experience, since I usually turn them off if they are this bad.  I foresee that for many years to come, if anyone, for some fucked up reason asks me, “What is the worst movie you have seen lately?”, I feel that my response for a long time, will be Boondock Saints 2.  I have less interest in watching the first one now too……..