Archive for the ‘LIVING LEGENDS’ Category

I still to this day want to meet Steven Seagal……Seriously.

First I must get all the recent bad stuff out of the way………

I still want to meet Steven Seagal regardless of him recently being downgraded from Direct to Video movies, to this reality TV show he has on A&E called Lawman, which is a total Cops knockoff, with the occasional clips of shooting or defense training.  (Yes I have watched it, and it is the main driving force behind this blog.)

I still want to meet Steven Seagal regardless of him being downgraded to a direct to video actor since 2003:

I could do this another 15 times……but I hope you got the point.

Moving forward……I still want to meet Steven Seagal regardless of the music career that he has been working on for I do not know how long.

And  finally, I still want to meet Steven Seagal regardless of the Mountain Dew commercial he did for an obvious quick dollar, when he downgraded a little bit of his own pride……  I must say that this commercial made me feel warm and fuzzy inside upon my first viewing, mainly because it was poking fun at some of his best work while he was in his prime, like Hard to Kill or Out for Justice.   It ended up upsetting me though because the Steven Seagal of 1988-1994 would have told Mountain Dew “To go fuck themselves, for thinking that I would star in a commercial for a soda company…..”

My hero’s decent is as follows

  1. TOTAL BADASS MOVIE STAR (1988-1994)
  2. DIRECT TO VIDEO MOVIE STAR (2003-present day)
  5. REALITY TV STAR (2009-present day)

The rest of this blog (unless I get off track) will deal with his time while he was a TOTAL BADASS MOVIE STAR which I consider from 1988 until 1994, …….  He had movies that were theatrically released after 1994 until 2002, but none are worth mentioning in my eyes.

The Steven Seagal that I remember while in his prime was……THE…….SHIT.  He was more badass than Chuck Norris, that’s for sure.    When was the last time you heard a Steven Seagal joke, expressing how awesome HE is or was?  He is much more deserving of his own line of jokes compared to Chuck.  Those jokes helped revitalize Chuck Norris in the public’s eye, without him having to do any work at all for himself.  Funnily enough, Chuck also went on to star in a Mountain Dew commercial.

But seriously, Chuck was probably fucking ecstatic that he was actually getting attention from the public and it was not from him pushing infomercials for exercise equipment, or starring in such movies as “Sidekicks”.  His main opponent in that film was Joe Piscopo from SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE…….  Then he had that awful cowboy cop show.  It looked so bad and boring, that I never even sat through an episode to see if it truly sucked as much as it looked like it did, so it might be possible to actually be decent, but I do not know for sure and most likely will not ever know.

I am getting away from my point, back to one of my heroes…..  Any guy who watched action flicks in the 80’s and 90’s knew that Steven Seagal was THE MAN.  On top of this everyone also knew that his characters he portrayed WERE NOT TO BE FUCKED WITH.  Any character that had ANY association with the wrong doing which ultimately affected Steven Seagal’s well being, paid SEVERELY for inconveniencing his life in whatever way the plot in the movie called for.  His use of Akido on all the thugs, criminals, and scumbags is extremely entertaining and cringe worthy to say the least.

Here are two such scenes from Out for Justice (watch them all the way through, the first one takes a minute to get going):

On a side note I had the chance around 6 or 7 years ago to try to become as bad ass as he was.  My good friend Vin’s younger brother, Mike, who also is a friend was turning 21.  Of course we had a stripper for him at my house, and the bodyguard who came with her called himself “LONE WOLF”.  LONE WOLF went on to tell me how he has been practicing Akido for years.  I expressed sincere interest in going to where he trains to start doing Aikido for myself.  That night went on to be a long drinking night of grain alcohol, Later in the night I was falling asleep at the Tai Shon Palace after continuing with scorpion bowls (this was a Chinese restaurant, which is now The Brickyard on Warwick Ave) .  I walked home extremely intoxicated, zig-zaging on the sidewalk falling onto Warwick Ave multiple times.  I got home to see that all the doors were locked, so I had to crawl through the bathroom window which was very inconvenient to do intoxicated, but a very convenient location since I had an extreme desire to vomit.  After waking up the next morning to a very severe hangover, I retired the thought of becoming badass and just continued to be a hungover piece of shit.

The movies that will forever have a place in my heart are as follows:

  1. Above the Law
  2. Hard to Kill
  3. Marked for Death
  4. Out for Justice
  5. Under Siege

And to a slightly lesser extent due to movie pacing:

6.   On Deadly Ground

Steven Seagal knew how to take out the trash, he knew how to break the bones of countless scumbags, he knew how to leave those scumbags on the floor as they screamed in agonizing pain due to the adrenaline wearing off from the 3 second ass kicking they just received, he knew how to use a cue ball better than anyone else…. he knew how to wear a slicked back ponytail better than anyone I have ever seen (except for my friend Rowan), he knew how to take out a full room of bad guys and he pulled it off in a more realistic portrayal compared to any other american action star, he knew how to beat up the occasional pimp to save the occasional ho, he knew how to save the earth from oil hungry businessmen, he knew how to fend off recently defected military soldiers who decided it would be a good idea to cause a little terrorism on an American battleship while at the same time knowing how to cook a great meal for a large quantity of people, he knew how to save a puppy that was thrown from a moving vehicle, and he knew how to eventually bump into the scumbag that threw the puppy and then proceed to kick the guy in the balls.  Steven Seagal was the most knowledgeable man I have ever encountered on film.

Here is a quote from R LEE ERMEY’s character from On Deadly Ground, which I find fitting for a closing statement about Steven Seagal’s characters in general:

“My guy in D.C. tells me that we are not dealing with a student here, we’re dealing with the Professor. Any time the military has an operation that can’t fail, they call this guy in to train the troops, OK? He’s the kind of guy that would drink a gallon of gasoline so he could piss in your campfire! You could drop this guy off at the Arctic Circle wearing a pair of bikini underwear, without his toothbrush, and tomorrow afternoon he’s going to show up at your pool side with a million dollar smile and fist full of pesos. This guy’s a professional, you got me? If he reaches this rig, we’re all gonna be nothing but a big goddamned hole right in the middle of Alaska.”

This is Whatandrewmichaelsisdoingnow…….expressing my love and giving tribute to a living legend that I still want to meet today, even if he is a little bit past his prime.