Archive for the ‘Idiotic instances’ Category

There was a time in my life that I wanted to make a video each summer, with the main point being me chasing after one thing or another and trying to catch something on tape.  I was going to chase after things such as Bigfoot, the New Jersey Devil, the Chupacabra…….but NEVER in a million years did I ever consider chasing after the Mothman.

If there is one creature that I know not to fuck with, it is the Mothman.  This is some advice I hope that you take as well.  The main reason I would not even consider fucking with the Mothman is because I witnessed how far the Mothman will go to fuck with people for NO APPARENT REASON AT ALL….. such as Richard Gere and Laura Linney.

I was watching Monsterquest the other night, about this creature coined the “Swamp Beast”, or “Swamp Ape”.  The parts of the Monsterquest, which entertains me the most, have nothing to do with the monsters that are being chased.  I feel the best part of the show, is watching and listening to the people who seek after the monster each episode.  Here is a short clip from the show focusing on a doctor and his occasional minion follower………

CLIFF NOTES ON THE VIDEO (I have seen quite a few shows that talk about the things that this guy mentions, so I know what he is talking about….)

Vocalizations:

  • These are the noises of the swamp beast or bigfoot like creatures that witnesses hear.

Knocking:

  • Usually primates hit trees with large sticks to communicate over long distances….it is thought that if bigfoot exists, it might do the same.

Choke Cherries:

  • Behind the guy

Human and Ape Vaginal bacteria:

  • This doctors “perfect cocktail” to lure in and arouse the swamp beast, which shockingly has a “fairly rude odor”.

Idiots:

  • Everyone in this video

My friend Andrew went to college for Microbiology.  He told me that one of his internships or something had him working in the health clinic at our college.  He also went on to tell me that his responsibility was to deal with petri dish cultures of vaginal bacteria and STD swaps or something to that nature.  He said at most times it was god awful, not that I have any idea why.  And not that I am knocking the human female in any way.  I am sure that you can find a bacteria on everyone,  grow it on a petri dish, and it will emit a “fairly rude odor”

What I am knocking is this guy, who is a doctor,  willingly created a hypothetical, and 100% incorrect pheromone using human and ape vaginal bacterias in order to hunt down the swamp beast.

The ONLY reason why he will be unsuccessful in creating the proper pheromones, using vaginal bacteria from humans and apes to lure in the “swamp beast”………….. is the same exact reason that I would be unsuccessful in creating the proper pheromones, using vaginal bacteria from Irish women and midgets to lure in a “leprechaun”……..

Never mind the whole muggle issue we seem to have here with women and midgets.  Although, I have yet to ask a midget if they possess any magical powers, so there may be hope.

This doctor is more than likely very proud of his work, seeing as he has scientifically raised the bar for all the morons who choose not to work, but have the time to hunt down something that doesn’t exist.  BUT I SEE THIS IS A GOOD THING……I guess if all the morons in the world had something to do, such as hunt for mythical creatures, we might just see less idiots in our daily travels.

Unfortunately, every time you go to the DMV or traffic court, you will more than likely bump into a few of these idiots, seeing as they need to somehow recharge their life force, by way of renewing their license or registration, or answering to a judge for their erratic idiotic driving behaviors.

If you really want to lure in the swamp beast by use of pheromones you should just take a swab of the swamp beasts vaginal bacteria and use that, instead of a made up one mixing human and apes vaginal bacteria. Problem solved.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, expressing my fears of the mothman, introducing you to people who chase after the swamp beast, and saying vaginal bacteria way too many times.

I cannot say that I am the first to post such information, but last night when I was watching a commercial with Kerri and Erin, I thought that it would be something easy to blog about.  Thank you for your help ladies.  Watch this commercial and really listen to it, you can read along below if you want since I typed out the information for you as well:

I figured I would analyze the information into positives and negatives and show the time line:

POSITIVE:

The first 6 seconds ( 0:00 to 0:06)

“Herb quit smoking with Chantix and support. Talk to your doctor about Chantix and a support plan that is right for you.”

NEGATIVE:

The next 1 minute and 2 seconds ( 0:07 – 1:09)

“Some people have had changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood, and suicidal thoughts or actions while taking or after stopping Chantix. If you notice, agitation, hostility, depression or changes in behavior, thinking or mood that are not typical for you, or if you develop suicidal thoughts or actions, stop taking Chantix and call your doctor right away. Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems which can get worse while taking Chantix. Some people can have allergic or have serious skin reactions to chantix, some of which can be life threatening.  If you notice swelling of the face, mouth, throat, or a rash, stop taking chantix and see your doctor right away.  Tell your doctor which medicines you are taking as they may work differently when you quit smoking.  Chantix dosing may be different if you have kidney problems.  The most common side effect is nausea.  Patients also reported trouble sleeping and vivid, unusual, or strange dreams.  Until you know how Chantix affects you, use caution while driving or operating machinery.  Chantix should not be taken with other quit smoking products.  If you are pregnant or plan to become pregnant, talk to your doctor before starting chantix.”  (This last sentence was not spoken but did appear on the screen)

POSITIVE:

4 seconds (from 1:10 – 1:14)

“The urges weren’t like they used to be, and that help me quit.”

NEUTRAL:

6 seconds (from 1:15 – 1:21)

“Talk you your doctor to see if prescription Chantix is right for you.”

Where to begin?

I have so much to say that I do not know where to begin, but I have decided to keep this a shorter blog day.

Herb said that “the urges weren’t like they use to be, and that help me quit”

Herb no longer had the urges to smoke cigarettes,  probably because his mind was manifested with the urge that he had to kill himself or his family.  Maybe Herb is a very smart person and was taking his time to plan the perfect murder.  To plan the perfect murder in this day and age is very difficult with the advances in forensics, and I would think that a smart individual should  probably take about two or three months to get everything lined up for the perfect kill.  Coincidentally, around the time of the end of his planning, Herb realized that he did not need Chantix anymore to quit smoking and discontinued using it.  Unfortunately, this meant that Herb wasted two to three months of planning, because the urge to take someones life no longer seemed sexy to him.

This is WhatAndrewMichaelsisdoingnow telling everyone that if you have a dream to quit smoking, and as long as you can deal with changes in behavior, hostility, agitation, depressed mood,  suicidal thoughts or actions, allergic reactions, serious skin reactions, swelling of the face, swelling of the mouth,swelling of the throat,  a rash, nausea, trouble sleeping and vivid, unusual, or strange dreams…….CHANTIX MAY BE THE SOLUTION YOU HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR, check with your doctor though.

I have never believed in jinxing a team based on what I say or what was said during an important or pivotal play, that is about to take place in a sporting event.  What the fuck is SO wrong with speaking optimistically about your favorite team, during a key moment of the game? Why do some people feel the need to tell you “not to say things like that”, if you say something regarding the positive outcome that your team can have?  You mean to tell me that some people truly believe that what I just said out loud in regards to my team, will ultimately cause the team to fail in the situation that has been presented to them in their game?

Somehow many sports fans do actually believe that; not only do you possess the ability to effect the outcome of the game in a negative way by the use of positive words, but you also possess the ability to be hundreds or thousands of miles away from that game, and remotely use this ability to affect its outcome when you are watching the event on tv, and are not actually at the stadium.

There is NOTHING wrong with speaking positively about your team at ANY TIME during the game. If someone says otherwise to you, just realize that they have some shit in their heads that they have yet to figure out, like rational thought. Explain to them what a wise man on a blog once told you, and try to persuade them to come to the other side.

I say that you should say things, like  “We will get a touchdown here”, when it is in the end of the 4th quarter.  OR, you should say “We will hit a home run and win the game” when its the bottom of the 9th with 2 outs.

Speaking positively about your favorite team during a crucial play has certainly gotten its bad rap for far too long.  It is better than speaking negatively about your team in the hopes of an anti-jinx to help your team through the tough situation.  And most importantly, it is MUCH better than sitting there quiet, because you actually fear the possibility of ultimately causing someone in a professional fucking sport to mess up the situation they are in with a fumble or a strikeout, all because you opened your mouth and used some words in the language that you speak.  If that were the case, we would all be professional fucking gamblers.  This is what AndrewMichealsisdoingnow, sticking up for people like myself, who feel they should not feel they are doing ANYTHING WRONG at all when they are speaking positively about their favorite sports team at any point during the game.


Really, Liza?

Posted: December 29, 2009 in Idiotic instances
Tags: ,

Have you ever seen Liza Minnelli’s performance of “You are not alone” at Michael Jackson’s 30th Anniversary All-Star Tribute to the King of Pop?  I have, and last night as I was witnessing it for the first time,  I knew that it would be the focus of my next day’s blog.

The video is provided below to save you any trouble from having to find it. Please watch the entire performance, seeing as I endured it last night for the sole purpose of talking about it to anyone who I can lure to my blog.  Take it in, try to embrace what she was going for………what was she going for? Maybe try listening to it with your eyes closed, just try to find some creative way to get through it, and then take my polls after viewing it.

After watching this video I have some questions or declarative statements which must be said.

  1. What the fuck was that?
  2. Is she to actually be taken seriously?
  3. Air kisses from Michael kind of creep me out.
  4. Does Liza just get a pass for everything she does because she is the daughter of the HIGHLY over-rated Judy Garland?  I am not saying that it was not hard to be Judy Garland. Infact I know it WAS hard being Judy Garland, because in the commercial preview for the “made for TV movie” based on her life, her character was  crying while she was yelling something to the nature of how  “It’s hard to be Judy Garland”

I am NOT saying that the Wizard of OZ is over-rated.  I understand that such a movie as this has a place in just about every single one of our hearts.  That being said I believe that Judy Garland was nothing more than a circumstantial actress who was in the right place, at the EXACT right time, upon getting the opportunity to play Dorothy.

The Wizard of OZ would have been just as good with another actress in the role of Dorothy.  Now if you were to ask me if the same theory applies when you replace the unique performances of the Scarecrow, Tin-Man, the Lion, or the wicked witch, I would say that our conversation has now developed into…….a serious fucking problem.

I have two polls which can help me out with more data on this information I have provided.  (Not that I think I have anyone actually on my blog to vote at this point.)Thank you for looking. This is what AndrewMichaelsisdoingnow, watching Liza Minnelli and ranting about her mother.


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Every year that passes I look back and wonder why we have done some of the stupid things that we have done.  Thankfully no one got hurt during the filming of this event about 3 years ago.  I do not know if  today  I would shoot a projectile so close in the direction, of so close of a friend as Vin.

Thank you Vin, I would not expect you today to take at a swing at a flying potato, not that you even took a swing at it then, but it is so great that we got this on tape…..