Bachelor party shenanigans, rants, and conspiracy theories…..

Posted: June 13, 2010 in ALL ABOUT ME, My theories yet to be proven, Short Andrew Michaels
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Holy shit man, I have a lot of shit to talk about in regards to bachelor parties, in which the man of the hour gets fucking beat to shit by the strippers…..

First off, this WILL NOT be anything like my eventual bachelor party.  I will not get fucking beat to shit, by a nice smelling female stranger, as my friends watch in extreme laughter…….that is SO fucking far from my cup of tea.

This morning, I awoke to an extensive amount of one dollar bills in my wallet, and yes, all of the bills are facing the same direction, president facing the same direction as well.

So the two dancers that came to the bachelor party, came with a madam of some sorts.  This was the woman who owned the dancers business, and her job was to put the show together, and collect all of the money that is scattered on that dirty, dirty fucking floor.  The dancers DID NOT bring any blanket or tarp to put on this dirty, dirty fucking floor and had no problem being in contact with it……….

But that’s perfectly fine with me, because the integrity, and cleanliness of these two girls never once crossed my mind during their show, even though they did have a way, to sure as hell not smell like the dirty type of girl, that would have no problem rolling around on that dirty, dirty fucking floor.  These dancers must all agree with each other, that loads and fucking loads of nice smelling body lotions, are a female dancer’s best fucking friend.

It’s funny what I caught myself doing in front of this madam, and the eventual conversation which I had with her, as my friend was getting his bare ass beat raw, with a belt, that was taken off an unsuspecting male patron at the party……in fact, I believe these dancers had about 4 belts all held together as they were performing this insane ass whipping.

I went up to the madam because she stated that she had plenty of one dollar bills.  I gave her a twenty dollar bill.  She handed me 20 one dollars bills, but they were all over the place, in the way that they were stacked on top of each other.  Some bills on top were facing each other, then the next three were upside down, the next one was right side up…..but backwards,  the next one was facing the “proper way”, the one after that “proper one” was upside down……so on and so fourth, for the full 20 one dollar bills stack.

My OCD kicked in fucking hard, because as my friend was getting his ass handed to him with multiple belts, I am standing there with the madam, fixing and rearranging all of the one dollar bills so they are all facing the same direction.  I looked up and said to the madam “Look at how pathetic I am, these dancers are beating the shit out of my friend, and here I am making sure, that all of the fucking one dollar bills that I am about to throw on top of them, are having all of the presidents facing the same direction, facing up……..”

The madam laughs as she looks at me and says “You must be the guy, who at his house, has all lines on his carpet, from being freshly vacuumed……. all the time.”  In the background, the dancers whack the shit out of his ass again, the crowd goes vibrantly wild as usual in reaction to this.

I am looking at the madam and I think to myself:

“Bitch….. I don’t have any fucking carpets in my house, and I certainly wouldn’t have any freshly vaccumed carpets with freshly laid lines in my house.  I, for one reason or another, have always felt more comfortable, when my money is all facing the same direction, all while the presidents are all facing the same direction………….EVEN IF, I am about to just drop all of this money on the dancers to ensure this ass whipping is to continue at full force”

In reality I look at the madam and I say:

“Nah dude, I don’t like to clean…..”

I walk away from her and proceed to make it rain…….. 10 whole fucking Washington’s, all on the dancers, I then go up to one of the dancers and say “I want you to beat the fucking shit out of this guy.”  It should be noted that this was not the bachelor, but the bachelor’s good friend, who for one reason or another, was ok with getting really beat up, in front of a large group of people, by two dancers with belts, which were stolen off of unsuspecting male patrons of the party.

The dancers know what the fuck they are doing, in regards to the ass whippings which they give, and I think there is a very primal, instinctive reason, why it  works the way it does.  You see, one dancer lays the male down and unbuttons his pants……….and to any male who is the type that is into dancers, is liking where this is going at this point.

Then the dancer turns the male over, and tries her best to pull down his boxers in order to expose his bare ass, in order to receive an ass whipping of epic proportions.  Once the first hit is made with the belt, the beating has only just begun, but the fight is all over, for the male to be able to function in any rational and normal way.  The reason why this is, is because instead of fighting and struggling with the dancer to keep his boxers at least partially on, he is now holding his bare ass in extreme numbing pain.

This makes it much easier for the dancers to grab his boxers and tear them off him.  As soon as he lets go of his numbing ass check, in order to start back up with the struggle of keeping his underwear at least partially on, the dancer will hit the male again, extremely hard with the belt, in fact harder than the last time.  Once again the crowd goes rampantly wild.

Eventually the male is in so much pain, that he gives up with the boxers struggle, and just allows the dancers to rip his underwear off, since he is just too damn tired, and in too much god damn pain, to give two shits about his boxers.

Moving on……….I picked up on a conspiracy theory that I felt was going on during the event, and only someone like myself would come up with such a random thought, during a bachelor party, while the main entertainment was taking place.

I had been buying vodka and red bulls the whole time we were at the bar, so I figured I have already spent 30 dollars at the bar.  One of our friends, (actually the one who got his boxer shorts ripped off) had a bottle of Captain Jack spiced rum in his trunk.  That’s right, NOT Captain Morgan………NOT Jack Daniels……..but “CAPTAIN JACK – SPICED RUM”.  This tells you the quality right there, with such a blatantly corny rip off name.

REGARDLESS, it was spiced rum, and we all decided that we should all make a strong Captain Jack and coke drink, to either go along with the drinks that we had, or to be the sole drink of some of the individuals (But not me, I prefer to double fist, during events of debauchery……)

We all bought a soda of our choice at the bar, along with a cup full of ice.  I believe that the soda cups are orange colored, and alcoholic drinks are in yellow cups, at least that’s what I saw with my drinks and my buddies.  This only makes sense for the owner, so at any given time when he looks around, he can tell who supposedly is not drinking alcohol, and who is drinking an alcoholic beverage.

We took theses non alcoholic beverage orange colored cups out to the parking lot and proceeded to make strong Captain Jack and coke drinks for all four of us.  As we are hanging out at the car, a dude approaches us and says,  “I can’t be having you guys doing that here” (obviously this is the owner, but before this moment, everyone in our group just assumed he was just a patron of the party…)

I look to him and say “I am sorry man, I will dump it out if you want…….”  He looks at me and says “Don’t dump it out, but don’t do it anymore please”. We all agree to this and he walks away…………eventually we head back into the party too.

So the four of us walked in, and he saw all of us with non-alcoholic cups, filled to the brim with extremely strong Captain Jack and cokes.  We all decide to stand in the background, as we are waiting for the event to begin, and I let the group know that I need to leave them, to take a leak.

I come back, and they all say that the owner was giving all of them dirty, bad fucking looks.  (Like he was extremely pissed off that we were in his bar, with drinks we obviously didn’t pay his business to have)

I look to my friends and say “You guys are fucking idiots, and overreacting for sure”………..The dancers come out and start to do their thing.  We decide to all take a seat to watch the dancers do their thing.  One  dancer comes over to one of my buddies and does her thing, so he puts his orange non alcoholic colored cup (which is filled to the brim with a strong Captain Jack and coke) under his seat.  The dancer is continuing to do her thing, and she knocks over his drink under his seat, while she is doing her thing.

The dancer then goes to one of my other buddy’s seat, and starts to do her thing yet again, and while she is busy doing her thing, he thinks to himself, that its best to put his non alcohol colored cup (which is also filled to the brim with a strong Captain Jack and coke), on the ground, so the dancer can freely do her thing, and the drink will be out of the way.  As this dancer is doing her thing, she knocks over his non alcohol colored cup as well, spilling it all over the ground.

This was the second drink out of the 4 illegally made drinks, that ended up not being drunk in a compounds of a business, that did not sell us the Captain Jack and cokes (not that I expected this bar to have  Captain Jack in stock).

It was at this point I realized that we were in the middle of a conspiracy theory.

The groups or parties of this conspiracy were as follows:

I feel that the owner of the business, and the dancers who frequently work at the business, were working against us (who were not paying the owner of the business, for our Captain Jack and cokes, that we were drinking).  I felt 100 percent sure that the owner told the dancers, to knock over ANY cups that were non alcoholic colored (orange).

Worst case scenario, it is just soda in it, and the male patron wouldn’t be bummed out by the spill, because he could easily just go to the bar and buy another soda for a dollar and change………BUT BEST CASE SCENARIO, it is a Captain Jack and coke drink, in the non alcohol colored cup, and the male patron will have to go to the bar and buy a new mixed drink (from the business this time, instead of from the trunk of my friend’s car).

Luckily I noticed this conspiracy theory as soon as the second non alcoholic cup was knocked over.  I told the dancer that “I was on to her……”  I don’t know how she interpreted that comment, seeing as this conspiracy theory was more than likely just a figment of my imagination.  But maybe I really was on to her…….and she was blown away by my Sherlock like detective work……..(On a side note, have you seen that fucking movie yet?  Sherlock Holmes is the FUCKING SHIT… or buy that movie immediately.  Robert Downy Jr.  is SO fucking on, in that movie…….)

I must admit that I am not the type of guy who personally gets all involved into the whole dancer thing at a bachelor party.  I am the type of friend who has no problem giving money to the cause while it is happening for my friends, but I really don’t give a shit about one of these dancers doing anything for me.

So, after making it rain Washington’s……multiple times for my friends, a dancer came over to me.  She gave me a purple nurple, because my friend told her to do so.  I looked at her and said

“Listen, I am really not into you giving me a nipple rip, how about…… you don’t pull that shit again?”, she giggled and proceeded to sit on my lap, so I said to her:

“I have some keys in one pocket, and my cell phone in my other pocket (which has some sharp edges), so be careful, its probably going to be pretty fucking uncomfortable sitting on me”  She laughs again, and I say:

“And listen honey, don’t even think for a fucking second, that you are going to whip the shit out of me with that belt, I am WAY too chill, to find anything remotely entertaining, in that degrading and painful activity……”

She proceeded to laugh, and asked me if I was a pothead………

Later I got up and was walking towards a friend and the other fucking dancer, whipped my back leg………I looked at her and said:

“You just didn’t fucking do that…..”

How the fuck is a dancer supposed to react towards such an anal retentive response, after she whips someone?  That’s right, the dude who was giving the strippers the most money out of practically everyone, did not want any part in getting hit with that fucking belt, and I let her know it.  I must say that I have become quite assertive in my life with female dancers, and I must think that it is all in part because of me growing up, into a mature adult.

I tell the dancers, how it is these days………….I truly communicate with them, and let them know what I am definitely “not kosher with”.

Because of this recently acquired assertiveness, which I have obtained in regards towards female dancers, she choose not whip me again, as I walked away with my non alcoholic cup (orange), which was half filled with Captain Jack and coke, because I MADE SURE, that they didn’t have a mother fucking chance to knock over my cup, and to continue on with and succeed in their master plan to knock over all of the illegally made Captain Jack and Cokes………


Andrew Michaels…….ONE       — –        Dancers/Business owner….. ZERO

…….your move mother fuckers, but just remember…..I am a fucking winner.

This is what Andrew Michaels is doing now……..

  1. […] Bachelor party shenanigans, rants, and conspiracy theories … […]

  2. Jaimee says:

    Ha….Andy, I must thank you for such an entertaining inside look. Let me say this first. I don’t care where the hell I might be…but I’d be facing all my bills in the appropriate direction as well. Secondly, I never knew about the whole belt whipping tradition. I don’t, however, have a big problem with that. As a woman, I wouldn’t really want my man there to begin with…so I wouldn’t completely object to him getting his ass beat as a result! As for the conspiracy…how wise you are. What a shame it would’ve been to have lost your Captain Jack. And lastly, I second your Sherlock Holmes recommendation. I’ve always loved Robert Downey, Jr. and have been so happy in recent years to see him healthy and doing such great work 🙂

  3. Jaimee says:

    p.s. LOVE the diagram…lol

    • Jaimee, I am glad you like the diagrams, because those are always going to be an integral part of my stories. For one reason or another I always found humor in drawing out the crazy shit I am thinking, in a visual representation. As for the insight into the “belt whipping tradition”, it is hardly a tradition, and most times I am at a bachelor party, crazy shit like that DOES NOT happen, but since IT DID just happen, it inspired me to write about this recent adventure……

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