My eventual epiphany, my excuses for not flossing depending on the time of day, waking up VERY late for work, my possible denial of being a scrub, and the Jacob-like being who could grant me the most pimp of daily morning scenarios if I am still required to have a job.

Posted: February 18, 2011 in ALL ABOUT ME

For the past few years, my dental assistant always asks me whether or not I floss.  I always understand this to be a politically correct way for the dental assistant to tell me that she knows I that I do not floss……….and that I am a lazy fuck.  Funny enough; the other day while my open mouth was being violated by her, she didn’t even ask.  I fear that she may have given up on me, and she has lost all hope in me.

The reason I do not floss requires a two-excuse response.  The excuse you receive is 100 percent dependent on whether you are asking why I do not floss when I brush my teeth before I go to work in the morning……..OR, why I do not floss when I brush my teeth before I go to bed at night………..

I will first explain why I do not floss in the morning.

In the morning, I take advantage of every minute before I arrive at work.  I like to sleep in the morning……..A LOT.  I never want to get out of bed.

If someone came up to me and said:

“Dude……..wake the fuck up……..each and everyday………..whenever the fuck you want.  The work day will never start until 20 minutes after you arrive at work, regardless of how long you take to get there.  It will always be 8:00 A.M. upon your arrival.  Take a shower if you want, or don’t…..if you think that your longer hair looks presentable (regardless of just waking up).  Eat a breakfast; or don’t, if you just feel like having an iced coffee.  Buy that iced coffee at Starbucks; sit down on the most comfortable couch they have, for as long as you want while you play on your generation 3 prototype IPAD.”

I most definitely would be pretty pumped about this idea.

I would have no way of describing the powers that this person must posses in order to grant me such a luxury.

The dude would have to be at least on par with Jacob from LOST.

Fuck……even if the Man in Black offered me that pimp life, I most likely would side with him.

Back to my work situation (which explains why I do not floss in the morning)

I work at a place that takes me two minutes to get to in the morning.  It’s probably about 2 miles away at most.

I am 30, and this is my ninth year into my professional career.  Please don’t think that this means that I care AT ALL about arriving early to work, or me showing up to work occasionally rocking some semi bed head.

My hair is longer now……..its easier to have my long hair be presentable while being kind of messy, than it was a couple months ago when I had short hair. It used to require a shower each and every morning, in order to deal with my shorter hair…….which would stick the fuck up in every imaginable way possible.

In the present; I do not have to shower every morning, so I really enjoy taking advantage my time before work by sleeping.

I am supposed to be at work at 8:00 at the latest.  I have no responsibilities until 8:20…… I usually try my best to arrive at work at 8:00 A.M. at THE EARLIEST.

Most other workers arrive at work around 7:30, or 7:45 at the latest.

On a typical workday…..

At 7:30:

  • I am still sleeping.

At 7:45:

  • I am usually around the second level of my snooze process to awake on five minute intervals. If I am laying in bed awake at this time, I decide it is an acceptable time for me to get up.

The other day I woke up at 8:07……..(my alarm went off at 7:35, I thought I pushed snooze………….)

I was mistaken……

I was at work at exactly 8:13………

I had 7 minutes to spare, before my responsibilities began.  I feel that my appearance would receive a grade of a C+.

Remember…….a C is considered average, so I am grading myself only slightly better than average.

I am ok with this.

I woke up randomly…… and very luckily, at a time which was still very feasible to succeed in arriving to my work before my responsibilities began.  Grading my appearance at a C+ is stellar…….especially considering that I was at work, ready to go……..only 6 minutes after I was in bed fully asleep.

(Most likely delta waves were taking place in my brain, my dream was extremely vivid previous to waking up)

Maybe those around me at work would grade me lower than I perceive my grade.  I truly could be considered a scrub by some people now that I think about it.  That would be pretty bad if all this time I have been a scrub in denial of how blatantly apparent my scrubiness is.

I remember one time it was in the early evening, and I was on the couch.  My girlfriend wanted to get into her comfy pajamas, so she asked me if I was already wearing mine.  My response was:

“NO…… I am still wearing the clothes that I slept in the night before, which just so happened to be the same clothing that I wore to work the day before, which is also the clothing that I wore to work today.”

Sometimes I work in different buildings depending on the day.  I; for one reason or another, always felt that it is more acceptable to wear the same clothing multiple days in a row to work, as long as I am in such a scenario.

Less people at work to witness my blatant laziness allows me blossom in life spiritually.  Seeing as I don’t need to find anything different to wear, it can allow for more sleep in the morning. I would say this happens maybe once every month and a half.  So…..yes, I know I can definitely be a scrub from time to time.  I have kept up with my laundry these days though.


So, I never have time in the morning to floss nor could I be bothered.  I would rather floss before I go to bed, and be allowed to use that possible morning flossing time for sleeping instead.

I will now explain why I do not floss before I go to bed.

I have every intention of flossing when I brush my teeth before I go to bed, but honestly….. I really don’t feel like dealing with that shit at this point of the evening.

I am ussually tired when I brush my teeth; and I just want to be done with my well-conditioned nightly maintenance behavior, so I can be comfortable in bed.

I also really like to sleep; so I would rather go to bed to get the most of my time with sleep, instead of spending some of that potential time with flossing.

Tonight I had an epiphany…….

I had some food stuck in my teeth after dinner.  I believe it was chicken from the soup I ate.  I went in the bathroom and grabbed one of those  Dentek floss things to get the food out between two of my molars……..

I then found myself sitting down, watching tv, while I was subconsciously doing the thing that I never seem to have time to do.  I was flossing……

So fucking what if it wasn’t during a time that I brush my teeth?  The benefits can be reaped regardless.

I told my girlfriend that a few nights a week, I plan on flossing while we watch TV.

So…….. After 30 years of life;I have finally have figured out how to incorporate something into my life, that should have always been always incorporated. Until right now, I have been unable to figure out how to accomplish such a feat.

It makes so much sense.  Just use one of these fucking things after each dinner and I will be money.

I will reinstate the hope back into my dental assistant…….

Next dental visit; she will be uncontrollably smirking with glee all while her smile is perfectly hidden underneath that dental mask she wears.  I will know of this smile because I will be able see the sparkle in her eye that uncontrollably occurs along with the uncontrollable smirk she hides.

Who the fuck am I kidding?

I go into the dental office, sit down, open my mouth as wide as I can, and shut my fucking eyes as hard as I can……the entire time.

I only open them if I am told to wash out my mouth.

Maybe the dude with Jacob-like powers could just set me up with some kind of deal where I don’t need to ever go to the dentist ever again as well.

I most definitely would be pretty pumped about this idea as well…….

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now……….

  1. lauren says:

    I too began a “floss fest” much like yourself a couple of visits ago. I just couldn’t handle another dentist visit seeing disappointment on their faces and then dealing with the shame in my heart. I worked that floss (I, too, used the dental pics, cause I hate sticking my whole fist in my mouth…GROSS!) like it was my job…sometimes twice a day.
    FYI…even the dental pics were not enough. Apparently, the pics don’t hook around the tooth enough so plaque still builds up in the places that the dental pic does not reach. After consciously making a tremendous effort to floss, I still had a disappointing dental appointment. Its just too much work, and im too lazy, to make sure I get the floss all around the tooth. All in all, it wasn’t worth it. Ill deal with the shame. lol

    • Well……I plan on keeping on with my new system. It can’t hurt, and it is actually convenient. Maybe someday I will come upon millions of dollars. I would definitely get those porcelain teeth caps. You don’t need to even brush you teeth then. MORE SLEEP…….

  2. jen says:

    If it makes you feel better, I floss all the time and the dentist STILL tells me to do it more. Seriously, they are never happy. Last time they told me to stop drinking tea. Really, tea? I don’t smoke crack, isn’t that good enough? Now I have to give up tea? I’ll get right on that…

    • Jen…..this is quite disheartening news to hear. You know, I had a root canal last year. This basically means that my first tooth has rotted away to the point of needing to be replace with a fake cap.

      It’s one of the very early signs of death……

      Had I not lived in a society which has modern dentistry; that tooth would have led to bacterial infections in my nerves, which would have led to my untimely demise in my early 30’s.

      It’s kind of fucked up to truly grasp the situation.

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