End of the month confessions PART 1

Posted: March 26, 2010 in End of the month confessions
Tags: , , , , ,

I think that I have a lot to confess about from things throughout the years.

Seeing as I don’t really attend church (since I think that its extremely boring), and seeing as I have not confessed my sins in years (since I feel that anyone should be able to confess their sins directly to God if he or she exists), I have decided that I am going to have a monthly confession on my blog, where by you reading it, I am automatically forgiven for anything that I confess, since I say so.

Here one thing that has recently popped up in my head:

  • I have been mumbling my way through my “Hail Mary” prayers my entire fucking life.  It is easy for me to get away with this since I am not too often in situations where I have to say my Hail Mary’s, (its probably less than once a year when I  put on this “must see performance”).  Its also easy to get away with this, since most of the time when people are praying, they are not focusing on the other people in the church.  The only people who might notice that I have been doing this (my whole life), are people who are just like me, and choose to look around the church while almost everyone else is in prayer.  This makes me think that my secret is only evident to those who share my same secret. It must be unbelievable if it was ever caught on tape, with full audio of what I say, and subtitles at the bottom of the video during a Hail Mary prayer………

This is how my Hail Mary has ALWAYS gone:

Hail Mary full of grace, the lord is with thee

Blessed our souls of mumble mumble mumble

Blessed our mumble mumble mumble

Holy Mary, mother of god keeper of mumble mumble

(The rest is pure mumbling…….)


I have been saying it this way for over 20 years, and I am not even sure if the words that I DO SAY are correct.  Usually when in prayer if you look down and pretend to be saying it, it is extremely easy to get through it.  Maybe I am being punished for this behavoir, and this is why I have always complained to myself since the 7th grade  (wording it in one way or another), for not having the “fastest metabolism”.

For some reason I have never memorized more than one prayer in my life, and for some other reason, I still to this day pray almost every night before I fall asleep, reciting the one prayer that I have ever memorized .  I still do this even though I would hardly consider myself religious.

I used to pray for a variety of reasons when I was growing up.  One of the main reasons was for protection.  I used to be scarred shitless of getting abducted by aliens.  I would pray every night, and envision that the house would have a force-field like protection from any form of ANYTHING that I was afraid of.

I used to imagine about those pale white aliens, with those big black fucking eyes (which of course were capable of reading my thoughts), sitting right outside of my bedroom window, yet they were not able to enter my room, because I would say my “Our Father” prayer before falling asleep.

For some reason I would look to my God for protection, from something like an alien, that if today, had I seen  or witnessed it, I would have considered it proof, that the God (that at least I was praying to), probably does not exist. That’s a fucking sentence right there.

If my God that I was praying to, created the sun, the earth, and man, and I truly wanted protection from aliens abducting me, maybe I should have been praying to God’s God all those years.

You know, the one who created everything……… including God.  God’s God might have been better suited to keep those aliens away, since God’s God probably created the aliens as well as God.  I definitely am thinking that God’s God might be better suited at keeping away the interstellar, rude, invasive, inconsiderate aliens.

I remember during one of my chunky phases in childhood (which was also during my scared shitless phase of getting abducted by aliens),  I said to myself “If I ever get abducted by aliens, I will offer them my fat for free, just in case they wanted it, for study…..”

I thought that this was a good deal for both parties (had I been in the unfortunate situation which I was scarred shitless of being in), and maybe, just maybe they would actually entertain my offer……  At the same time, I would no longer be scared of my newly found friends, after they had helped me morph from an early-staged pubescent porker,  into an early-staged pubescent NON porker.

That day of abduction and interstellar, technologically advanced liposuction  never came………….. and I ended up changing my diet, running my ass off, losing the weight, changing my diet back to what it used to be, not running my ass off, and gaining the weight back…….This has happened no less than 10 times in my life…..probably closer to 15 times.

But then again, I don’t think that I have ever been abducted by aliens, (unless of course I just need to go into hypnosis, in order to unblock the memories which prove otherwise)……so maybe the religious God to which I still to this day pray to, has indeed protected me all these years.

But God……what the fuck is up with this fucking metabolism?  I would have gladly been interstellerly, rudely, invasively, inconsiderately abducted by aliens, had I known that the aliens would have taken me up on my fat trade offer…….

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….confessing way more, than just the original intended Hail Mary performance…………

  1. Jaimee says:

    First of all…I believe we stood in the same “metabolism line.” Second…the church thing. I probably get there five times a year myself. It’s not that I find it boring, quite the opposite actually…I find it very relaxing. When I’m there, I simply don’t think about anything else. My mind simply stops racing or worrying about whatever is going on in life. Perhaps the smell of the incense helps a bit! I enjoy the scent, Kyle not so much, so very rarely do I get to use it around the house. A sacrifice I have made 🙂 I digress. I don’t get there because #1 Hubby has zero interest…and I’m not motivated enough to drag myself there alone #2 I like to sleep in (or at least stay in my jammies)on Sunday mornings whenever possible and #3 Early Saturday night?….usually interferes with whatever you have going on in the afternoon or night. Confession? I don’t know where I would begin. I’m certain I haven’t made an “official” one since it was last required. Confirmation perhaps. As for your mumble mumble…lol…I am the EXACT same way when it comes to the Nicene Creed. In fact, I know it so poorly that I just had to Google to see what the name of it was :o)

    • I feel that when someone replies with a comment as long as yours, that there are usually only two possibilities regarding the content of the reply to which was wrote.

      Possibility number 1, is that you related to a lot that I wrote about, and was at least in one way or another entertained, seeing as you felt the desire to share similar situations you have experienced and add to what I have written. Possibility number 1 is what I think you experienced because I have always felt that, one being able to relate to what he or she is reading, automatically makes the piece of writing more enjoyable to the reader.

      Possibility number 2 has not happened yet really, but I am sure that the law of average will state that at some point during the life of my blog, will happen. In possibility number 2 the person replies as long a comment as you did, but it is because the commenter is unable to display their distaste towards my writing in only a few sentences, thus requiring at least one large paragraph of reasons why I am an asshole.

      I must say that I will try my best to embrace the day that this occurs (even though I am not the type that likes to be hated by some) and will probably print out the reply and frame it, to show all others who enter my house, the level of a response that I got out of someone from reading my literary adventures on the internet.

      Thank you Jaimee.

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