“Boys, put down your silverware…..”

Posted: February 22, 2010 in Short Stories......by Andrew Michaels
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I want to get married someday, I know I want to have kids……. someday.  I understand that marriage and family is what you make and put into it.  I have many friends who are married, and quite a few who have kids.  I feel that all my friends who are married with children,  understand my dark nature when it comes to humor and won’t be remotely offended by this story, and besides, they have like 10 years before this scenario would even be possible anyways.  Notice all of these disclaimers, it might mean that I have a feeling that this piece of work may not be everyone’s cup of tea……..so if you are offended, I guess it just really sucks pretty hard to be you.

That being said I hope you enjoy my diabolical short story today.  I would like to thank Kristi, Kristin, and Andrew for listening to the very early stages of  this short story during casual conversation at Shannon’s party last Saturday.  I sometimes question my friends on whether I am trapping them with my conversations and they can’t seem to escape or sometimes even speak, because I have a lot to say…….thankfully I am still told that this is not the case.

The title of this story is:

“Boys, put down your silverware……”

(It takes place at the dinner table.)

“Boys, put down your silverware, and listen, there are a lot of things I have to say….. Your mother and I are getting a divorce.  We want you to know that we love you both very much, and that it is not your fault that we are getting a divorce, but in all actuality……………………it kind of is your fault.

You see, before we had you two wonderful children, it was just me and your mother…………….. and the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD at our hands for the taking.

We liked to go out with friends.  We used to go out, get totally wasted, do idiotic things, AND seemingly not get injured……. Or at least we got injured much less often than the theoretical rate of injury one might assume that one should have gotten injured, based on our behaviors we exhibited on a daily basis.

We used to make each other laugh because our sense of humors were still intact before you drained them from us…….now our only form of humor is talking about something funny that you or your brother did.  ACTUAL funny shit……….that people really do find humorous, was thrown out the fucking door the day you two arrived.

We used to go on GOOD vacations.  We used to get GOOD uninterrupted sleep.  We used to have all this money to recklessly spend on things that were totally unnecessary but entertaining and enjoyable.  We used to not care if the pets caught us having sex, but when you two came along, you made the idea of getting laid in our own house nearly impossible.  You two sleeping over your friends house, was a god blessing for me, since I knew that if I brought up to your mother the possibility of having sex that evening, I had a one in ten chance of getting laid.

Your mother never used to complain about her body before she had the both of you.  Now she complains about it all the fucking time ……..and for good reason son, her entire outfit now acts like a full body bra that is holding EVERYTHING up, while at the same time, its slowly strangling her entire body to death, much like an anaconda’s favorite killing method of its prey before it swallows it whole.

When you used to feel the house shake sometimes, and would ask me what that was, I would always say that it was the train going by the house.  When you got older and I continued using this excuse, you started to respond with,  “But daddy, there are no train tracks near our house”.   I would then act like I did not hear your response, each and every time, until you decided that you would rather be playing with your toys, then to try and figure out why your father would just sit there and not respond to your clear and obvious response, regarding the lack of train tracks in the general vicinity to that of which we call “home”.

I am telling you now that when your mother takes off her clothing, a rather large mass of her body is now immediately affected by gravity due to this sudden lack of full body support, and it all rushes towards the center of the earth spontaneously.  This shock wave of force is what has been shaking the house all these years.   So when you learn about gravity in high school, you can share with the class and your teacher, your mother’s story regarding gravity and how all those years you actually thought that it was a train.  Hilarity will ensue in the class, and some girl in the class will undoubtedly think that you are funny.  You will probably lose your virginity to her,  since you left this good laughing first impression on her in science class.  You see son, people who are genuinely funny, will never have a problem getting laid, never forget that……..(WHISPER) never forget that…..son (WHISPER)

I must say over the years , every time your mother speaks about her body in frustration, its the ONLY TIME that she uses declarative statements, and doesn’t sound ridiculously stupid.  This is primarily because in those moments of her vocal display of her low self worth and her low self body view, she usually stated things which were true and undeniable.  Progressively over the years, she would say:

  1. “My fat just bulges over the top of my favorite jeans, and they are getting too tight”
  2. “I can’t even sit comfortably in my favorite jeans anymore”
  3. “I can’t even come close to buttoning these anymore, never mind being uncomfortable in them anymore”
  4. I look like absolute shit….

Its funny though, son……Every once in a really great while, your mother shows me that she actually has some intellectual thinking capabilities wandering around in her head, because she takes the “I look like absolute shit” declarative statement, and mixes it up with some interrogative qualities.  A perfect example is when she says:

  1. “I look like absolute shit, how did I let myself get to this point?”

Please understand though, that these instances are even more rare, then the already rare instances of her not sounding retarded from her declarative statements.

Once she said:

  1. “I absolutely love these new jeans I bought, they just fit my body so much better”

Yes son, that’s right,  your mother just took the plunge of death, into a life which involved  “mom jeans”, and until my recent good fortune regarding this divorce, I thought I was going to have to deal with your mother wearing those awful jeans for many, many, years to come…….Maybe you will understand when you are a little bit older, how awful it is to look at your significant other, while she it wearing mom jeans, all while you are trying your best to not make a face of extreme distaste towards her ferociously awful appearance in those jeans.  I do not even like to read the newspaper, but many times I would pretend to read it, just so I could hide my facial expressions behind the newspaper as I held it up.

Whenever you saw me sitting in the back porch, with a beer in my hand held against the side of my head, staring at the ceiling, you would come over and say “Daddy, what are you doing?”  I would always say,”Oh nothing, champ, what are you doing?”……Right at that point I effectively got your mind off of me and made it about you.  Now, maybe you have an idea of what I was actually doing…….More than likely, moments before I was in the porch, with a beer held against my head, staring at the ceiling, I probably saw your mother in those awful, awful jeans.  Although there was not too much going on with that porch ceiling, other than counting how many ceiling tiles there were, 75 if you were wondering, it sure as hell beat looking at your mom, in those fucking mom jeans.

I am not saying that you are the reason for our arguments, for that I blame your mother 100 percent.  I would never blame the two of you for our arguments.  You two were just the “gasoline” that was thrown onto the already burning fire.  Or maybe you two were the “spark” that started the fire in our house, and had we really wanted to,  we could have probably easily put out the fire by throwing water on it, but instead we just chose to watch our house burn down, in the safety of us all viewing it from across the street.

You accelerated us. Our lack of sleep, money, time, privacy, and sex are not solely to blame from your existence, but you definitely played a pivotal role in it, and I honestly thank you for that, son, I am truly grateful for this.

Our arguments have become a little bit meaner in nature, with each fight that we have had since you two have been born.  Over the last ten years we have grown a sincere desire to not want to talk each other ever again.  I would be an asshole of a father, by lying to you, and saying that it wasn’t at least partially your fault………but that doesn’t mean we don’t love you, we really do.

But don’t cry,  we more than likely would have eventually grown to dislike each other anyways.  You helped us realize that we can’t stand each other anymore, and had it not been for you two, who knows?……..maybe we would have stayed together for another five years before we realized that we were wasting our time in life with someone that we have an extreme distaste for.

So guys…….honestly……….Who’s ready for dessert??????

We have popsicles, ice cream, and I think we have some leftover key lime pie in the fridge………..no one??? Seriously guys?  You guys love dessert…….. Whats the matter, did you eat your dinner too fast?  Maybe you just need to burp,  sometimes you will be amazed at how much more space you can make in your stomach with a good belch.  This one time when I was in high school, my friends and I went to a buffet, and the food was so good that I went into the bathroom and vomited on purpose, in order to get another plate. Seriously guys…… no dessert for ANYONE?”

This is What Andrew Michaels is doing now…….

  1. Sarah E. says:

    Seriously, Andy. I laughed at this but then took offense at this. I gave birth twice and do not, I repeat, DO NOT wear anything to control my body from gravity. Secondly, I will never wear mom-jeans. What about writing something a bit more creative, like, the wife’s point of view? The husband’s was sooooo predictable.

  2. Surprisingly Sarah, you are not the first female to bring this to my attention……..Another friend named Sarah as well, is going to write for me the wife’s response to the husband’s long one way conversation. It will be my first sequel blog posting……I look forward to the day that it arrives.

  3. Sarah E. says:

    I look forward to the sequel as well, it may include something like this:

    Son, the real reason why things went south with your father was the fact that the minute he said “I do” all romance went out the window. Long before we had you, your father gave up any kind of courting and decided that a slap on the rear constituted as a romantic gesture. To combat such slaps, I grew a fat ass and stuck it in the most unflattering jeans I could possibly find.

    Furthermore, his constant habit of asking me to be his gopher when I am in the middle of my drudgery household chores that he never pitches in to help with has so grown on my nerves. The fact is son, the 6 little words that I would love to hear are not “let’s get naked and do it” or “get me a Phillip’s head screwdriver”, they are “what can I do to help?” Those 6 little words uttered on a Saturday morning would most certainly guaranteed your father a good night.

    I have grown weary and believe that I can lose this fat ass, color my hair and and find someone willing to have a conversation with me and know where the toilet scrub brush is in the house. Take my advice and always practice what you did to win your girl over even after you’ve won her.

    AUTHOR’S NOTE: My husband of 5 years often asks the 6 magic words and often gets rewarded for it.

    • nice……but you have to be more over the top with your words towards the divorcing husband. What color would you dye your hair? Would you get hair extensions too, like Kate Gosselin did? She is on the prowl…..Dancing with the stars……..how the fuck is she a star? Or anyone on that show for that matter?

  4. Sarah E. says:

    Never would I sew fake hair into my head, nasty. Fake nails are nasty too, so overall Kate Gosselin is a nasty fake bitch who deserves raising those kids alone. She should have been less of a bitch to her stupid, useless husband and maybe he would have stuck around. How she became a star is beyond me. In fact, we decided at lunch last year who would be in the all time loser D-list cast of Dancing With the Stars celebrities and Kate made the top 10. Others included Shannon Dogherty (check) Pam Anderson (check) Tonya Harding (not yet, but wouldn’t it be awesome if her heel broke and she clutched it on the ballroom floor crying?) Kathy Griffin (just the plastic surgery alone!) One of those shitty Duggar kids, Jared the Subway commercial guy, Screech from Saved by the Bell, Ricki Lake (Fat Ricki, please!), and MC Hammer (Enough said). A list I must say I am very proud of and hopeful for future seasons as I am a Dancing With the Stars fan.

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